It is the 19th of January. I am sadden by what's been going on over the last couple of weeks.
I don't know if I'm a pessimist or a realist. But the worry I had when we found another angle on Kim's sporadic eating have come true. She has now stopped altogether, even the food parcels we are taking in.
I am leaning on the Front of the landy smoking the 3rd cigarette in a row. Pondering the Glass half empty / half full thing and decided that at the moment it could be 'Glass what glass some bugger drunk it and nicked the bloody Glass'. If I am this low after 2 month & 14 days, God know what I will be like when it been 12 months.
I Kick the little Voice in my head saying “If she gets that far' into a sound proof cell in my mind. I take a deep breath and head for the entrance.
“Don't say it” Kim says as I walk though the door “ I have had enough off mum” I know Shell has been on online chat with her since before I got home from work.
“She's right” was the reply as I dropped the bag of clean washing in the corner. “you do need to eat or you will become too weak for treatment. I know the chemotherapy is most probably changing the way things taste, but a dietitian has been up here working out a food plan with you. Please see them again and try even harder to eat”
I could tell by the the look on her face that everyone has been talking to her about it, so I decided to leave it there.
I started trying to talk about other things but it was hard with the 'no eating elephant' in the room. After a while of uneasy conversion, I said see you later.
Talking to the nurses about the options over nutrition for Kim. The Doctor was not going to fit a feed line, as it could scratch her nose or throat.
The thoughts of a garden hose, funnel and a big jug of oxtail soup have flashed though my weird mind.
There are no words for how I feel about Kim not eating. Very worried is the understatement of the century.
Gunk
I am on the way to see Kim, we need to to about a phone call shell made to the ward that had her worried. I wash up and head in to the cell, sorry isolation room.
“ok, why aren't you” I asked “I don't like them” “ you need to eat to keep your strength up, get the vitamins and minerals you need” I reply. “It's crap, would you eat budget meals, cook in bulk, left to dry up, harden and go gooey for ages on a heated trolley?”
I am lost for words for a second or two, as I was trying to talk Kim back into regulator eating and my answer to her would be no. But I can't as I would prove her right. So I say the first thing that come into my head “ You know some of the places I eat at some times. I have to resort to a small hack saw to cut some of that food.”
Kim sighs and give me a look of 'is that the best you could do' “I see your jokes are not getting any better” We carry on the great food debate until we notice a young nurse doing something to the white board strip used for the patient name on the door. She gets up smiles, waves and points to the outside of the door, before opening it so we can see what she has done.
It was a great free hand drawing of spongebob Square pants, Kim loved it. After chatting about the drawing, the nurse started chatting about Kim eating. She nips out of view for a second or to and reappears with an apron on as the conversation carried on.
“Maybe some more teenage type meals could be more to your taste” the nurse suggests “as long as it looks like food, and not something that get dunked on your head in Get your own back” Kim replies. “ok, We will have to raid the children's wards menu then” With this the nurse leaves with a smiles and see you later.
I am have a bit of a mix of thoughts and emotions as I leave. Relief that another angle has been found for Kim eating problem. But worry that it may not work and she gets worse.
“ok, why aren't you” I asked “I don't like them” “ you need to eat to keep your strength up, get the vitamins and minerals you need” I reply. “It's crap, would you eat budget meals, cook in bulk, left to dry up, harden and go gooey for ages on a heated trolley?”
I am lost for words for a second or two, as I was trying to talk Kim back into regulator eating and my answer to her would be no. But I can't as I would prove her right. So I say the first thing that come into my head “ You know some of the places I eat at some times. I have to resort to a small hack saw to cut some of that food.”
Kim sighs and give me a look of 'is that the best you could do' “I see your jokes are not getting any better” We carry on the great food debate until we notice a young nurse doing something to the white board strip used for the patient name on the door. She gets up smiles, waves and points to the outside of the door, before opening it so we can see what she has done.
It was a great free hand drawing of spongebob Square pants, Kim loved it. After chatting about the drawing, the nurse started chatting about Kim eating. She nips out of view for a second or to and reappears with an apron on as the conversation carried on.
“Maybe some more teenage type meals could be more to your taste” the nurse suggests “as long as it looks like food, and not something that get dunked on your head in Get your own back” Kim replies. “ok, We will have to raid the children's wards menu then” With this the nurse leaves with a smiles and see you later.
I am have a bit of a mix of thoughts and emotions as I leave. Relief that another angle has been found for Kim eating problem. But worry that it may not work and she gets worse.
Ghost of Christmas past
“It's been hard over Christmas, boxing day especially” I say to the powerfully build bloke sitting on my sofa. “you do know” I continued “ I woke up in the early hours of boxing day morning in a cold sweat, as my dreams took me to revisit the last time I saw him. Lying there so waxy in a Hospice bed. Kim's leukemia has bought a ghost of the past back to me”
It seemed fitting that I was talking to Tom, a very close and dear friend of the present about a close and dear friend of the past. Although Tom some times looks like a bouncer, sorry Door staff. He has a heart of gold, and Know I need to talk about this.
He leans forward with concern, and sums up my thoughts in one line “You are worried this is the future for Kim.” “ You know that every illness is different and Kim's is no different in that way. She has a 80% chance of surviving this.”
“I know, I know” as I am saying this I'm playing uneasily with my lighter.
“This will play on your mind, especially when its around the anniversary of his death. It is a big event in your life. It will affect you. But that does not mean it going to happen again.”
“Yes, I suppose. This whole thing is getting me down a bit, I feel so mentally and emotionally tired. “
“ I know, Its hard on all of you. You do know that I am here for you to talk to, I am always on the other end of a text.”
I just nod in recognition of the offer
It seemed fitting that I was talking to Tom, a very close and dear friend of the present about a close and dear friend of the past. Although Tom some times looks like a bouncer, sorry Door staff. He has a heart of gold, and Know I need to talk about this.
He leans forward with concern, and sums up my thoughts in one line “You are worried this is the future for Kim.” “ You know that every illness is different and Kim's is no different in that way. She has a 80% chance of surviving this.”
“I know, I know” as I am saying this I'm playing uneasily with my lighter.
“This will play on your mind, especially when its around the anniversary of his death. It is a big event in your life. It will affect you. But that does not mean it going to happen again.”
“Yes, I suppose. This whole thing is getting me down a bit, I feel so mentally and emotionally tired. “
“ I know, Its hard on all of you. You do know that I am here for you to talk to, I am always on the other end of a text.”
I just nod in recognition of the offer
As a mark of respect - No Kim post
You may be wondering why there is no posting about Kim's leukemia this week. This is out of respect for a wonderful woman I knew on twitter and as a listener to Radio Shropshire.
Val Higgins, A woman that touched the hearts of many on twitter. A creative, witty and wise person who all way faced her cancerous tumour with dignity & a smile.
She meant so much to her friends on twitter, to some she was the witty encyclopaedia. to others a creative person that made them laugh or gave wise words, when they were needed, In what ever Val did she did it with wit and a smiles.
Or as I said on twitter
Goodbye @valdary you will be sadly missed by many people. At least you can be creative, witty and wise, without pain now.
Val Higgins, A woman that touched the hearts of many on twitter. A creative, witty and wise person who all way faced her cancerous tumour with dignity & a smile.
She meant so much to her friends on twitter, to some she was the witty encyclopaedia. to others a creative person that made them laugh or gave wise words, when they were needed, In what ever Val did she did it with wit and a smiles.
Or as I said on twitter
Goodbye @valdary you will be sadly missed by many people. At least you can be creative, witty and wise, without pain now.
Back to the treadmill
Without any problems with her temperature it was the prearranged time for Kim to go back to the ward ready for the next course of treatment. As we headed for Shrewsbury in the dark around 6pm I thought back over the last couple of days.
The fun of Christmas dinner, The jokes about the WII accident, Laughing at Stupid films on DVD during Boxing day, The incident with Stu and a trainer*. All in all I really enjoyed my Christmas with Kim, even though it hard work having a Leukemic child at home.
As we come to the island with the hospital turn, Alec a friend of mine appears, and waves in a weird manner, With his Amber warning lights. God they are bright, in the darkness of the night. We pull in just before the hospital for a quick chat. First about Kim, then my kidneys** then how Christmas when. After saying goodbye, it quickly around the corner and into the hospital car park.
There are smiles and hellos from the nursing staff, Friendly and happy chatter. With all Kim's stuff sorted out, and Kim waving the latest DVD she has at the staff, some Joke about one to one nursing care for about the length of the DVD. It was time to head home.
I sit down in front of the PC, this very PC I am blogging on now. And update my Facebook status with “Dave & Shell is back on the treadmill of having a kid going though chemotherapy”
With that one line status update it was back to Business as usual for a Family fighting Leukemia together. And the reality returned with a bump.
*Long story, I could write a blog just about what stu gets up to. But wont.
** More about them Later in the Blog
The fun of Christmas dinner, The jokes about the WII accident, Laughing at Stupid films on DVD during Boxing day, The incident with Stu and a trainer*. All in all I really enjoyed my Christmas with Kim, even though it hard work having a Leukemic child at home.
As we come to the island with the hospital turn, Alec a friend of mine appears, and waves in a weird manner, With his Amber warning lights. God they are bright, in the darkness of the night. We pull in just before the hospital for a quick chat. First about Kim, then my kidneys** then how Christmas when. After saying goodbye, it quickly around the corner and into the hospital car park.
There are smiles and hellos from the nursing staff, Friendly and happy chatter. With all Kim's stuff sorted out, and Kim waving the latest DVD she has at the staff, some Joke about one to one nursing care for about the length of the DVD. It was time to head home.
I sit down in front of the PC, this very PC I am blogging on now. And update my Facebook status with “Dave & Shell is back on the treadmill of having a kid going though chemotherapy”
With that one line status update it was back to Business as usual for a Family fighting Leukemia together. And the reality returned with a bump.
*Long story, I could write a blog just about what stu gets up to. But wont.
** More about them Later in the Blog
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