behind the scenes

Well Dear Reader. I have a choice to make, Do I carry on and bore you with writing about writing posts or do I wrap this blog up.

So Bye, last one out turn off the lights.

Don't worry, I am not just going to run off. I am going to do a post or two about the here and now. The thoughts and feeling I have on writing this blog and the thing that helped.

Lets go behind the scenes of the blog. I am typing this I am sitting at my messy work bench / desk , in front of me is my Amateur radio pc that I have always used to blog to my right is my everyday pc, that I do blog research on, and set up the auto tweets and FB status updates.

Hopefully you can see a photo of my desk above.

Every Thursday I have sat here, Listening to the Trunk of funk on BBC Radio Shropshire as I sorted my notes and thoughts into something near understandable English. Some say I fail, some say I moved them.

The one thing I know is the places I have written notes or thought up the base of a posting. Some are funny, Like 1am at Manchester airport, or on a simulator on holiday. Even writing a Christmas posting in the café of the worlds museum Liverpool on a hot sunny day.

That the fun of writing a memoir blog. You can scribble in a notebook or talk into a Dictaphone about any time within the blog at any time of year.

Next week Posting will be an update from April 2010 to December 2011, But who will it be about. Well that for next week.

Till then Dear Reader, stay safe.

To Blog or Not to Blog?

I have started writing in a notepad, as a way of remember or off load random stuff that appears in my head. I am still going to do this even though I am doing counselling sessions.

But what do I do with this mix of conciousness? When I'm done, burn it? Keep it in a dark cupboard for the rest of my life collecting dust? I think what I am going though deserve more than destroying or forgetting, but what am I going to do with it.

I have been typing on to the pc as well, throwing strongly imprinted days at the digital world that is a Open Office document. Its just a mess, I don't know what to do these ranting of a dyslexic, full of holes, spelling and grammar mistakes.

Anyway, I start chatting to Dawn a fellow Radio Shropshire listener on twitter. About what I should do with it, and if I should blog it.

Wondering if anyone would read my drivel, There was a big rush to buy the rights to publish the story in the women's gossip mags. But that would have been written properly with miss quoting and edited for suspense and emotions.

During the chat, Dawn made a comment along the lines of “Write the blog for you, no one else. If people read it, then that a bonus” or words to that effect. She should know about blogging, she had just been nominated for a blog award.

So as I carried on deliberating to blog or not to blog. I started to sort out the mess of words that laid on my computer. I was not expecting it to be easy. Far from it, I was expecting it to be a bloody nightmare. Spell checker and a online dictionary came to my aid. As I bashed away at the keys to write what was to become the first proper post, that I would name A bad night.

During the second block of writing, which was to become 3 posting of first full day, I wandered to Blogspot.com, a blogging site and joined up. All I needed now was a name and something to put on the blog.

I carried on writing the rest of the 3 postings, I start to cry. The story of Kim, her illness and our experience was coming to life. The pain and emotion of that day, the morning after comes flooding back. Stabbing at the scar on my heart.

Shortly after finishing the 3 part morning after, I gave the blog a name and wrote a welcome post, within the next few hours 4 posts would join it.

Thus starting my time as a blogger. The telling my story.The story of Kim and of living life in the shadow of leukemia.

Counselling Together.

Its been a week since my first counselling session. And I am heading back to Hope House, but this time I am not alone. Shell is with me.

She does not want to see a counsellor by herself. So we are going for couples counselling. I don't know if it to do with the safety blanket of having me there or the unknown entity of counselling.

Shell is nervously playing with her phone as we sign into the building. We are met by Suzanne, we get settled in the room. Suzanne start off gently, maybe as she could sense Shells apprehension.

I sit back from the conversation, as Shell talks about Kim and the family. It was nothing heavy, as she is not one for sharing emotions freely. Then it came around to Kim's illness.

Shell was not opening up, I don't know why. She talked about how much she missed her, how she had been the talking to her a lot on the phone, but did not talk about why she had a problem with going to see her.

I am sitting there thinking that the main nut to crack for Shell to get the most out of it, is for Shell to under stand the protective barrier of not having to look at the physical signs of the leukemia and the treatment in Kim. This would lead to exploring the problem of her not going out.

I can understand why in the time just after Kim's death, that Shell would not fancy going out. I had a fair deal of it at work, People reminding you. Now it not really their fault, they want to show you they care. But after a while the lines, ' I'm sorry for your loss' and 'my condolences' become sticks poking at the scar left on the heart.

The session comes to an end for today. It seemed that Shell was a bit happier about counselling. Doing it alone, was still beyond her at the moment. That's ok, I can live with that she taken the first steps. This is the largest distances, she been from the house since losing Kim. And she is getting help from a counsellor.

So It's been a big day for her, I am glad that she was able to come this far. Let hope the forward movement carry on.

First counselling Session

With the last post I talked about how BBC Radio Shropshire help me. So it seem logical to skip to the end of March, and talk about the start of counselling. The other foundation to my emotion recovery. Plus, my birthday was not much to talk about.

A bit of background about the organisation given us counselling. Hope House. A hospice that deal with children, over 320 and they families at anyone time. It also gives Post bereavement support to over 100 families, Some of these they have not had dealing with before the death of they child.

This is my first visit to hope house but it not my first time having counselling, but this is different. I am used to post traumatic type to stop post traumatic stress starting, not bereavement type. So I was a bit tense when I arrived.

I was introduced to the lovely Suzanne, who was going to be my counsellor. And headed of to one of the family rooms.

We just generally chatted about the family, Kim's illness. To get a basic background to my life, and also putting me at my ease. It did put me at ease with talking to her, putting in place the foundation of counselling. The feeling of being safe.

Now some of you may be thinking why being safe? In this situation you will be opening up and bearing your soul and the emotions that you would not allow others to see. You must feel secure, snug and protected to become unguarded, to let your protective barriers down to exposed your vulnerable, pained inner self.

Some of you will be reading that and thinking what a load of psychological bull faecal matter. Oh well, each to their own thoughts on it.

I have a lot of protective barriers, It come with the hobby of doing first aid. One of them is disjointing emotions, becoming emotionless. A bit like Star Trek's Spock, some times it is very handy. But it does come with a down side or two, big emotional reactions to the silliest thing or not being able to reconnect to them.

Suzanne has seen this before, and has experience in helping getting them back together with the person. in times of large emotion stress my mind runs off to Spock logic, so it was going to become a big part of my sessions, assisted by the greatest emotion link out side the family. Music*, the more I got exposed to music the more my happier emotions came to a point were I could access them, dragging the other emotions with them to a point that with the help of Suzanne meet up with them and share them, in the safe secure environment of the sessions.

The other was dark humour. I have to watch how I use this as many see it as being sick or uncaring, or even worse both. Suzanne was not phased by it, in fact she some times used it as a spring board to get though other protective barriers I had, to get to areas that were not otherwise forthcoming.

As you walk away from a session, you are trying to get the barriers back in place before you hit the real, everyday world. Sometimes I would return home, with some gaps in them. And sit saying very little, trying to get over what happened in the session and get the emotion and barriers in check.

I am sure people knew when I had a hard session. I was not the smiling chatty person I use as a mask to hid the scarred and damaged person inside.

Dear Reader

Hope house is a charity and only carry on it's wonderful work thanks to donations. If this posting touched your heart. maybe the next time you see one of they boxes, you may want to drop a pound in it or not, the choice is yours.

* The music was usually on Radio Shropshire. As I am writing this, I am listing to music to help me write. Trunk of funk then Jim on Iplayer.

Radio

I have mentioned BBC Radio Shropshire before. So I thought it was time to talk about what it has done for me since I found it.

A lot of my Job is lone working, that means I spend a lot of time on my own. And when you got thing on your mind that is not a good thing. Grief over Kim and worry about how Shell is taking her loss, does nothing for a good mood at all.

There are two parts to how Radio Shropshire helped. One was the day time show, when I was alone. The other was two what called specialist show.

The day time shows, showed me the county of Shropshire in a new light.

Clare Ashford has now moved to join Eric Smith on the breakfast show. Both are far too quick witted for that time in the morning.

Jim Hawkins does a mainly talk based show with some great music sprinkled though it. Showing the human side of Shropshire, Giving a new angle on local stories and people. With the core idea of helping people out along the way.

Colin Young's afternoon show. It has a fun personal feel, with some fun interaction bits. like prat nav, you have to guess the place in Shropshire with cryptic sat nav style directions. And hitting the headline, where you have to give a song to match the headline. Some times I try to get Col to read out the most weirdest answers to both of these, usually ending up with a comical comment from him.

Then there is Adam Green and Vicki Archer, with the drive time show. With more interaction with schools out, a guessing game where Vicki's pre school explain an object, it's harder than it sounds. Then there is place of the week, a place in Shropshire that they visit and learn about, taking us along for the ride.

I have friends on twitter from all over Shropshire thanks to these day time shows, I am taking with one of then that blogs, and mulling over starting one myself.

Then there is the specialist shows, shared between 3 local stations. Both are music shows.

The Trunk of Funk, Colin Young uses his massive knowledge of music from the 70's and 80's. Disco, funk, northern soul. It has a lively community on twitter and facebook, and Col interaction on air and online during the show. This really adds a feeling of togetherness, like we are on one big dance floor. Even if we are spread across the world.


Jim Hawkins Show is a bit different. He call it “taking music for a walk” I call it Magical mystery wander. I don't know most of the music he play, but its good and its fun. I like to spread this show across 3day, one hour a day. As a nice little pick me up.

As you can see two really uplifting specialist shows and the friendly day show, really help to lift my mood, and help me think happier thoughts.

So As you can see, BBC Radio Shropshire has helped keep me sane during the dark time, and keeps me the right side of the black dog, by being good it job. Being the voice of Shropshire.

Writers note, wondering if I decided to do the blog? You are reading it LOL.

Restaurant trip

Christmas is over. But the weather wants us to think Christmas is still here. Not much happened in January 2010, So here an out line of it. Its snowed, stop for a little bit then started again.

Right now I got January out the way. Its the 11th of February and I was out with my volunteering over the weekend. Now the event we covered was hovercrafting for the over 60. What a great event, The hovercrafters were a great laugh. One bloke an old pilot, mastered it within a minute and was a joy to watch. Its times like this that break the gloom of getting used to life without Kim.

Its what gone on tonight that is going to be to the fore over the next couple of days.

I am in an all you can eat Chinese restaurant 20 miles from home. There are 10 of us at a table for 11, no we have not miscounted. This is why I'm going to be in the middle of the fall out of the conversion going on now over the table for the next few days.

I will start at the begin. You remember Shell has this problem with going out. Well tonight is a family meal out, with shell's mum, dad and brothers. To celebrate a couple of birthdays, including Kims.

Her mum now knows how bad Shell is, after a full argument in the front room over her not going and her pigheadedness for fighting to stay in her safe zone.

As Shell wrapped herself up in the safety blanket she call home. We headed off to the meal, as her mum decided she would not wreck for all of us. During the drive, Pat is commenting to her sons Chris and Kev about shell problem.

Now it question time over the food, Pat is building up a picture of what has been going on.

I have mixed feeling about it. In one way I'm happy but worried about her. She need to feel safe, she need to grieve. On the over hand she need to move forward, at the moment she is stuck. And I cant get though to her. I have a feeling her mum can.

I am not a psychic, if I was Kim may still be here, but I feel tough love in shell future.

The Boxing Day After

I am slumped on the sofa. Feeling the affects of overdosing on turkey. Why do we do it, Stuff ourselves to the edge of exploding. You know so stuff one wafer thin chocolate mint would make us explode all over the front room.

I think I know why, I am half way though, yes you guessed it, a turkey sandwich. And that the answer, to get rid of a much turkey as possible so they not eating for the next 3 weeks.

Its a bit like that with my thoughts today. The leftovers of yesterday, feeding my thoughts today. Thoughts of a good friend I lost many years ago, I have talked about him in a post called Ghosts*.

And the soreness of remembering him today, on the day of this death added to by the grief I feel for losing Kim, make today very painful. I just want to shutdown and do nothing.

I get up and walk across to the bookcase we have almost full of Videos and DVDs. One shelf has books on it. I stand there looking at one book, and one video. Both with strong ties to my dearly departed friend.

The video is a signed copy of Red Dwarf Smeg ups. My mate went down to a signing of the Video by Robert Llewellyn, the actor that plays Kryten. I could not go, so he told me to give him the video and he would get signed. Which he duly did, even though he was very ill and had to use a wheelchair at this point.

The video is not special because it signed by an actor I truly enjoy watching, But because of the strong emotional story of how it got signed and the care my longed departed beloved friend had to get it signed for me.

The book is nothing special, it just a book like all the other that ran off the print run of this book. The special link is, Its my copy of the book I read to him as he lay there many years ago slowly passing away. I still cant read the last chapter of it, Its too painful.

As I start to move away, a DVD catches my eye. Mamma Mia , One of Kims favour films.

3 items, that would go unnoticed by casual lookers. Sitting there as strong links to loved ones lost. To happy times, to sad times, to memories, and emotions that others would not see.

With a single tear running down my cheek, I aimlessly wander off with the Ghosts of the past watching on.

*http://leukemicstepchild.blogspot.com/2010/07/ghosts.html

The Christmas after - Part 2

With all plates, dishes and cutlery in the dishwasher. It was time to get the flowers we bought the day before and drive down to the cemetery.

You would of thought, after Christmas dinner everyone would be asleep on the sofa, at least that what I could of done. When we arrive, even though there was a covering of snow. There was 5 cars parked up outside the gates.

As we walk down to Kim grave. we can see people, tending to they loved one graves, placing flowers, talking to the head stones. It was a wonderful sight, on this day when we celebrate the birth of a religious figure. Here we are remember loved ones lost. There seems to be a circle of life In this day and place.

As we removed the old flowers and I make a nice step arrangement, Steph is brushing the snow off the top of the gravestone. Shell is talking as if she is chatting with Kim. I can see her eyes are moist, ready to flow with tears.

This is the farthest Shell has been from home since Kim Illness. I am waiting for her to start loosing her cool and wanting to get back to the safety blanket of the house. But I get a strange feeling she too emotionally invested in this place to run way.

With the new flowers in place and the old ones in hand, we walk back to the landrover and to tea at my parents. Leaving Kim in peace in final resting place.

Christmas felt a bit sad this year. As it was missing one of it wonderful characters

The Christmas after - Part 1

I am woken by Steph Saying loudly “Daddy, Daddy, It's Christmas Day. Get up Daddy” I look at the clock, 0652 in the morning. Ok the ADHD tablets have settled her down a bit, but being woken by an excited 12 year old at this time in the morning is still not fun.

I head down stairs and into the kitchen to make myself a coffee. I have a strange feeling, the feeling of a void, a empty space. The presents are opened, Kids play or set up and half read instruction manuals. All the usual fun of a Christmas morning.

Shell disappears and returns a little bit later with stuff that wont fit in or on Pat's cooker. As we switched the location of Christmas dinner last year to aid Kim, it is Pat's turn this year.

As the food cooks on both cookers, I help set up the seating at Pat's. It's busy as everyone descends on the front room for lunch. Everyone gets a plate and sits down on one of the eleven chairs.

It was not until everyone was sitting down that it became clear, We had a one chair too many.

Sitting against the wall was a lone chair, One lone empty chair. The chair of the lost teen, The chair Kim usually sat on.

The void I felt earlier was Kim, well more to the point Not Kim. It was the space left by a missing part of the family.

Kidney appointment

Its the 22nd December 2009, I'm Sitting flicking through a 8 month old magazine waiting for my appointment with the urology consultant. 13 months and 11 days after I was told I would have an appointment in 6 weeks.

I walked in and shook his hand, sat down and started talking about my stones. It was when I told him the date I was released from hospital and this was my first follow up appointment, he looked a bit angry.

“So you had no treatment for your stones for over a year, have you had any more problems?” he asked, “Just over 13 months. And I have not had any more since” he walk around the desk, “ Well that very lucky that you have been OK, thank god. Over a year for a appointment, that is just disgraceful!!*”

He takes a seat and carries on “ So how are you getting on with your renal fusion?” “My what?!”
“your Horseshoe kidney,” paused at the blank look on my face “ they did not tell you” “um, no” I replied. He did not look impressed.

He pulled up my scan, turned the monitor around, so we could both see it. And started explaining about Horseshoe kidneys.

It is a congenital disorder, where the isthmus of both kidneys become fused together. with the two sets of renal arteries,veins and ureters being left for the most part intact. The amount of fusing can affect some of the nephron and the renal corpuscles held within, thus affecting osmosis of excreta.

In other words for the less medically minded. It happens during development in the womb, and the bottom parts of the kidneys mash together to make one kidney, with two lots of blood in/out and pee tubes. How much of them are mashed together affect how much stuff that makes up pee can be cleaned from the blood in a fix time.

If you are still confused**, I have one kidney that look likes a horseshoe.

side affects of this condition are nausea, abdominal discomfort, Stones and Infections. The only way of keeping the risk of the last two down is by not getting dehydrated.

It may be one of the reasons I don't drink alcohol any more, as drinking 2 pints make me really bad for up to 4 days afterwards , plus I cant see the point of making a complete alcohol fuel idiot of myself. The consultant agreed with my logic on both counts.

Happy that the long wait for an appointment had not adversely affected my health. He told me that I would need to do a pee sample for one 24 hour period, gave me a slip for the bottle. And bided me a cheery goodbye.

I when to exchange my slip for the bottle, the nurse returned with 2 bottles both 5 litres in size, my god do they expect me to fill both of them. My mind boggled.

Writers note

Dear Reader, As I am writing this in 2011, Just as news has come out about THIS NHS trust failures in administration of follow up appointments. That left a man with life changing problems, that means he has lost his independence. So I am lucky really, it was just kidney stones.

* There was more to this line, but I don't think it was in keeping with the corporate line.
**do a internet search for 'horseshoe kidney'

Jackfield

Well not much of Interest has happened over the last 3 week.

moving stuff between sites for display. I think I made a few drivers do a double take with the skeleton from science sat seat belted in the front seat of the minibus. Next time, I am dressing it up in jacket and hat. I may get it waving with the aid of some fishing line.

Did a trip to Jackfield tile museum. That's a weird but interesting place to visit, Its has a Edwardian tube station and a old children's ward as exhibits. The Iron bridge gorge is a beautiful place and has some delightful places to sit, think and relax.

Sitting looking out over the river Severn flowing thought the landscape. I thought of Kim and the sights she will never see, and that she is now free of pain. I breathed in the wonderful gently view laid out in front of me. I enjoyed it for a bit then opened a letter I pick up when I left the house this morning.

It was a standard NHS Appointment letter, saying I had an appointment with a kidney specialist at The Royal Shrewsbury Hospital on the 22 December at 1430. I quickly looked at my diary, The students finish on the 18 December so I don't need to find any cover for my routes at work, Thank God!

Then I start thinking, on the 11 November 2008 I was told I would have an appointment in approximately 6 week, that would be around 16 December 2008. It is now the 10 December 2009, One day of 13 Months to get a appointment letter I should have had about 2 week after I was released from Hospital. By my working out it will be 13 Months 11 Days from the day the Junior Doctor said I would be book for it to having the appointment.

I write it into my diary, and go back to relaxing and de stressing views in front of me. Before my blood boiled over the massive failure of the hospital administration system.

Little did I know what was going to happen between now and that appointment, something that will affect me, but By law can not blog about it. It will be referred to as D incident.

Beautiful Gift

Some times, some things just takes the wind out of your sails. One of them was an reply to an email asking for copy of Kim's year Eleven photos, As the year group photo was damage by her dog a couple of week after we had it the first time.

Here is the main part of the lovely email

“ Since your enquiry we have spoken with the Marches School and they informed us of the sad news that Kimberley had recently Passed away and we extend to you and your family our condolences at this very difficult time.

Finally, under such sad circumstances, I confirm that there will be no charge for the Year 11 photograph with some extra individual prints. “

The last bit of the email really got me. Here is a company, Um, no, Lets get this right,

Here is H Tempest Photograph, Showing their understanding that Photographs are great memories and links to People that we will never see again. And the Year 11 Photographs are one of the biggest memories of all. That their care so much about this that they will take the cost of giving us, The memories of Kim in Year 11.

I almost cried when I read this email, There was crying from Shell and her mum Pat when they saw the wonderful pack that H Tempest Photograph sent us, including a CD with a digital version of the individual Photo.

Now, there is a company with a corporate heart as beautiful as the Photographs they take.

A year today - fireworks

Considering the day, we are not really in the party mood. Its one year today since Doctor L arrived at our door with the news that started it all.

We were not that bothered about the usual fireworks, as they held bad memories. But as it was normal what we did, so we got some. It was a small box, it was not going to be as fun as the ones we had over previous years.

Mandy was quiet. She was sitting on bench in the garden drinking. I had not been keeping count of how much she had drunk so far. I could see the sadness on her face, The same sadness I felt in my heart, the heart with the scar of Kim's illness and passing.

It must be so hard for her, having her birthday as reminder of the horrible time we have had, and the losted member of the family.

I walked across the laminate flooring that had a strip of mud from my work boot flop on to a year ago. Under the rope I had to keep the kids back. And up to the point where I was last year.

Just as I went to light the first firework, the doorbell busts into life. A silhouette appears in the doorway lit with the same naked 100w light bulb that hangs from the ceiling. A shudder of remembrance runs though my body, as this was too much like last year.

It was one of our friends, as I waved and said hello. I thought, I wonder if Dr L is having a better November 5th this year. I leant down and lit the first firework.

As the last one banged in the sky, the smoke hanging in the damp cold air, my clothes soaked with fine mist of rain in the air. Just like that fateful evening 12 month ago. I hear Mandy weeping on her friends shoulder and saying “ I miss her so much”

I look up into the sky and mutter “so do I Mandy, so do I “

A year today - Almost live

Its November 5th and I am driving along, Jim is on the radio. He is asking “What does bonfire night means to you.” Most of them were happy stories. I started to enjoy them, snapshots of people happy times. When it has a shade of sadness for me.

A new subject is added to the mix, stress. This got me thinking and linking the subjects together. I pulled over and started to write a text. Now this text was lost as soon as I sent it, so this is what I roughly remember texting in to the show.

“a year ago today I was told my Stepdaugher had acute leukemia, So as you can guess I am a bit stressed today”

I carried on driving, and a few minutes later Jim read it out, there was a pause, “I bet” broke the silence on air. Its not often you hear Jim lost for words. Shortly after arriving back at site, my phone rang. It was Maggie the producer of the show, asking if I would go on air.

I decided that it was probably for the best if I did not. Replying “ Not today. Its all too raw to talk about. Anyway I don't think Jim would want a blubbering mess live on air” She fully understood, and asked if I was ok. That was a bit weird, a stranger on the phone checking I was ok. I said I was as fine I could be on a day like today, and threatened to find Jim when he next does his sit on a bench and chat to anyone that chat to him, the next time he is in my town.

This is local radio, so local that if I said yes, I would have been on it. Scary thought.

3 days off.

Its the 28th October, half term week. I am in in the first two day and off for the rest of the week. A break from the madness of work, time to support the family a bit more. Oh and more importantly a lie in.

But before I can start with the 3 days off, I need to do something. Chase up my appointment. Yes, it still has not arrived 3 weeks after contacting them. I can see them telling me it going to be in the new year. Its almost 12 months now. Oh well.

Shell and a visitor look at me as I am forthright with the woman on the phone, telling them politely that I want a appointment booking right now, as two attempts at getting one, direct from ward and a call a month ago failed to secure one. She asked when my hospital stay was, there was a moment of silence on the phone when I told her. It was broken by her say right, ok, I just looking for the earliest available slot. “ I have booked you into a clinic in December, I can see the date as yet but you are on the system now, any problems please call...” She gave me her name & extension number.

So with that hopefully sorted, I turn to a another task for my 3 days off. Expand Shell bubble. This is getting her to come around town with me. With my shot gun psychology, the idea was sound, to swap/share the safety of home onto another object or person. Namely me.

I did not get too far, I did not even stop the landrover. Shell was not having it, she got lock into the fear and there was no shaking it. So I did not push it too much and we returned home. I am at a loss at why she is doing this, and she says she does not have a problem. And there lies the first problem getting her to admit she has a problem.

2 days after the phone call a letter arrives, Its from the hospital. Result, I am going on the 22 December at 2.30. It lands on the week after the students finish for Christmas, so no worries with cover to go. Shame I lost the name and extention number of the administrator that sorted it, would of like to phone her back and thank her for sorting it out, almost twelve months after someone else should of.

Betws Y Coed

I am taken a trip out to Betws Y Coed. I find a parking space, and hear a student say “he won't get it in there”, I did it easily. It is amazing how people that only drive small cars misjudge the space needed for vehicles that are a bit bigger. True the minibus did fill the parking space, but that's just life.

With the students and member of staff walking around the area, I decided to head off and look around. I noticed a sign for a railway museum. So I went to nose around it, as I have a interest in historical engineering. I walk though the doors for the museum and get welcomed by a model shop.

The Shop is laid out like a little kid dream, locomotives, rolling stock and scenic items for model train sets everywhere. I am not really bothered by this stuff, it not my thing. As I look around I spot some airfix kits, including a big spitfire. This one could have a small 6volt motor fitted to make the propeller turn slowly, I had a thing about spitfires. I had and to a extent still do have a thing about flight and aircraft. I had been a air cadet for 7 years, and really enjoyed it. Unfortunately this airfix spitfire had a price tag as big as it scale.

So I paid to go into the museum, a odd place with a mix of model and real artefacts of the railway age. I was looking at telegraph system bits they had on display, when I hear a child going, “ mum, how did that work? Where is the bit you talk into?” and the mother being lost for answers, I knew the answer to some of his questions. I remembered back to Kim asking similar questions when we were out and about.

This remembering was broken when I hear this lad asking “ Do you know how they work” and I realise he is asking me. I am a bit worried that I look rude or a pervert in the next couple of seconds, then I realise I am wearing college branded clothing. And to them I look like a educator / safe person. I reply with “a little bit” I look at his mother, who has a relived look on her face, Like she knew his question on this would carry on all day if he did not get an answer. I answered his questions, his mother thanked me and I carried on looking around.

I headed back to the minibus for lunch and a coffee. As I sat there eating a swished ham sandwich, I thought of a TV program I saw a couple of nights before call flash forward. Where everyone fall asleep for about 2 minutes at the same time and see their lives in 6 months time.

Then the what if, came into my head. What if this happened for real, and Kim saw herself being treated, would it have changed the date of diagnosis? What out come would that have had? What if it happened during treatment so the future was just blackness to her, as she was not alive? What would of that done to her head?

What if I sat in a minibus think about what could of happened if Sci fi show concept really did happen? Oh wait. Hang on, that's happening for real. I look down at my boots, hold back a tear, oh God how I miss her.

Well that broke it.

Fuel station closed for delivery, damn. It was queuing before. Its a good thing I go to try and fuel at half a tank. I now have less than I would like, but enough to do the drop off run tonight, then I can fuel after it.

As I am in Meifod, Sharron one of the drivers texts. She is having problems with her minibus. She is slowly making her way back to the college, but wants me to come over and have a look, or stay with her if she has to wait for recovery. Before I can phone her Barry rings, he tells me Sharron can only hear on her phone but cant talk, I found out where she is from him, it is only 17 miles away. As I text her to say I'm on my way, I spot a problem I have.

I do not have enough fuel to get to her and get back to site. So I have to go back to Oswestry fuel and head out. That will make the trip 21 miles, adding 4 miles to it. Oh well, that life. As I drive back to town, I can see the problem Sharron was having, She could not phone the breakdown service. As the microphone on her phone was defective.

I arrive to find her stopped at the cross roads to a very busy 60 mile an hour road. I can see, why she stop. People overtake on this road in the most dangerous places when your doing 50mph. And this bus is being driven at 30mph. Where is it is not the best of places to leave a minibus in the dark. We know there is a slow road that has a car park 4 miles down it that is one you can drive down at 30mph without the threat of death.

We agreed that we would get to the car park and work out if we could make it the rest of the way to the garage. Plus the car park is a pub car park, and no we not going to stop for a stiff drink.

The drive was painful slow, it was when the braking system decided it was going to join in on the fun about 100 yards from the navigation inn we knew the game was over, and work was going to have to pay for a recovery. After Phoning the breakdown company on my works mobile, we when into the inn, where in it lovely warm and inviting lounge type room away from the cold, Sharron tries to give the landlord a heart attack, by missing out the word empty when she said there was two minibuses outside.

By the time we had a lovely warming coffee, hatch a plan for liberation one of our Walford campus minibuses with my counter part on that site know. As we could not contact him (all his buses were in so his phone was off) to do the morning run. and some jokes about her breaking her bus. The Recovery truck arrived.

The broken Minibus was loaded on to it, I took a photo of it on the truck. And It was time to go. As I followed I looked at this minibus on the back of the truck.

And think there is a sad look to a minibus on the back of a recover truck.

Should of really chased that up

I have just realised something, Remember back to when I was in hospital in November 2008 and they said I would have a letter, for appointment in 6 weeks. It is now coming up to the end of September 2009. That's about 10 months!!

Ok, I can hear some mutters of 'I should of chased it up' and yes I should of kept an eye out for it. My health is important, I know. But my life has been a bit busy over the last 10 months. The thing is why have they not sent it out, is administration at a hospital that bad that they can't book a simple appointment.

Oh well, Not much can be done about it now. I just need to track down where I was meant to be having the appointment and book one. Logically I phoned Urology outpatients, who politely redirected me to an administrator to take my details. Job done, now to wait for the appointment to drop though the letter box.

Well my line manager, has decided I will burn myself out with the overtime I am doing. So has told me I should be doing only one 12 hour day a week. I am to start taking a 3 hour break in the middle of the day, 4 days a week. I can see his point, I have only been doing 12 hours for a month and I am starting to look like a zombie. This starts next week, so how am I marking the start date. Yup, Driving an evening trip to Theatre Clwyd.

There is also a route change, I am now going out to Llanefyl, then Meifod, back to site. Its a long but nice route. I can't pronounce half the names on the route, Much to the enjoyment of some of the students, that can't believe I lived on the welsh border all my life, but still can get the right pronunciation of welsh place names.

Logical Breakfast

I do not have breakfast first thing in the morning, it's just a coffee. When I get back from my morning run or runs, depending on the need for a overflow run. I get breakfast with the rest of the lads and have a informal meeting on what's going on that day or tomorrow.

Today was no different. Except a member of staff that came to sit and chat with us, commented on my repetitive diet for breakfast. What he did not know was there is a reason for this, The clock told me what to eat. Right, before you call for a little white number that ties at the back, let me explain.

As you know I am on an emotional roller coaster after Kim death. And there are times where I do not feel like eating, That is when the logical part of my mind, does in true Mr Spock style, comes up with a simple logical way of keeping me on my feet and do what I need to do. If I don't want to eat, I have to eat before a set time. Do you know something, it works, when you got into the swing of it.

I don't really know if I should be talking about this, as loss of appetite can be one of the signs of depression. Not to say I was depressed. But this could be used as a guide to hiding it, and hiding signs of depression can be a very dangerous thing.

Out of the airwaves

I am doing one of the overflow minibus to and from our main campus to our Baschurch campus. This means I got 12 miles of just me and the radio coming back in the morning and going over in the afternoon.

Today is no exception. I Listen to radio 1, but I am not enjoying it any more. There are a couple of songs I can not listen to since Kim died, and one come on the radio, my heart with go on. My hand dives to the any button to get rid of it. My finger lands on the tune down button, The radio locked on to the next radio station.

There is a what I can only describe as a bigoted bloke, that could only see his view point and was being tied in knots by a second bloke that was putting over more than one view on the subject, I can't remember what the subject was, but I quiet like the way the presenter put ideas across.

When I got back to my base site, I added this station to the radio's pre-sets. The presenter, one Jim Hawkins, and yes, I wondered if he started out on treasure island radio too. Had really captured my ear, so I set about cleaning out the back of my minibus. Jim came across to me as an intelligent, well read/informed bloke. With a bit of a eccentric / quirky charismata about him.

A standard clean of my van had become a full blown clean out. I left Radio Shropshire to get on with other jobs I needed to do, missing a presenter that, I would enjoying as regularly as the rest of presenters. Mr Colin Young,

When time came for me to return to the Baschurch campus, I had the delight of Clare Ashford. A warm and funny lady, that enjoyed interaction with her listeners. I was to find out later that she came from a village a few miles away my home town of Oswestry.

Little did I know at the time that, this Local BBC radio station was going to be one of the corner stones of my emotional recovery. Introducing me to many wonder people on twitter and being there for me to pluck out of the air to enjoy and interact with.

I never expected to see that

To save you a lot of repetitive posts, in the same format of, got up went to work, thought of Kim all day and struggled, came home thought of Kim, supported everyone else, struggled then went to bed. I decided to jump on in time again.

I have Just finished a summer of doing Portable Appliance Testing or PAT for short. It is monotonous. Basically it's. Write down the items number, visual check, open plug, check connections, close plug, plug into tester, clip test lead on, press a button, write down reading, press another button, write down reading, stick a sticker on it. And repeat until every portable appliance is done, all 4 thousand of them.

Anyway enough about my summer at work, It's the 13th of September 2009. I am at one of my favour events with my First aid hobby. Lake Vyrnwy half Marathon. It was not on last year as Doug Morris the main organizer, all round good guy, lovely chap. Passed away.

We are standing in front of the first aid post, watching the runners heading for the buses to the start line. For the most part we get very little problem with this event as all the runner are diligent amateur, taking there sport very seriously and know they own limits.

As they walk to the buses, some loosing up before getting on. All dressed in the usual running gear except one. The three of us standing together took a double take, at a 6ft sunflower walking passed us. Brad a new adult member fresh from the cadets ranks, looks at me with a smile and asks “ How do you give mouth to mouth to a sunflower?”

I start to chuckle at the Monty Python like image in my head of trying to resuscitate a sunflower, when Dave the third member of this little group came out with “ It would bee very difficult!” I joked that “it would bee easier for a first aider dressed in yellow and black stripes”. We all start Laughing, then groan at how bad the puns really were.

Ok, you want to watch what?

Ok a bit of time has passed, well not for you dear reader. Its the 26 June, 4 Months and 2 days have passed since Kim died.

Shell is still having problems going out, Some days even the shop at the top of the road is too much for her. She is taken solace in the online world of cancer and leukemia support groups. I don't know if she knows she has a problem or is hiding from it. All I know is she 'lost' the phone number Doctor L had given us, maybe it not the right time for her to seek help.

Steph is doing well with the treatment. They have just up the dosage. It is usual for them to gently move up the dose scale to find the right level for the patient. We can see something, but until the right level is found she will still be a little hand full.

Then there is Mandi. She has a bit of an odd way of getting though it, well the first part is not that odd. Getting drunk, getting emotional and spending hours crying into her friends laps over Kim. It has seemed to have worked, her drinking has dropped to almost nothing. Thank god.

The thing I find odd is she wants to go and see my sisters keeper. A film about, a family and their daughter with Leukemia. Why does she want to see this film, we bloody lived though it. She asked if I wanted to go, I politely decline the offer. I am having enough problems from living though our run in with leukemia.

I was chatting to a work colleague, She had read the book and said it was about the parents wanting to remove the kidney of there 13 yr to give it to her sister who has Leukemia, and the fight of the 13 yr old to stop them.

Ok, What is it in my life that keeps throwing up links between leukemia and kidneys.

The Road to Machynlleth

Its the 25 May 2009, and I am on a 100 mile round trip errand of mercy. To collected stranded students and staff from Machynlleth. I don't know why they are stuck, just that I had 5 minute to get on the road. Its a good thing I know the route to Machynlleth well, I travelled it over many years going to the caravan my mum and dads used to have in Borth.

As I get to the sign for the town, I can see how bad the weather is. It is raining sideways!! Ok I know it can not technically rain sideways, but it was having a good go. Memories come back to me, eating chips from that chippy on the bench outside, getting stuck on the station as the train broke down. Many a happy or fun memories. But I was not here for a trip down memory lane, I was here to pick up students.

I pull up to the hastily arranged pick up point to find, well, umm, soggy or wet does not cover it. A group of Students and staff that look like they had just been pulled out of Cardigan Bay. I stop with the sliding door away from the rain. They hurriedly get in, almost instantly the inside of the minibus windows get covered in condensation.

After clearing the windows in the cab area, I headed off. Hoping that I get back in time so a hold on all transport does not happen. As I drive, I think about how the road would be to drive with a trailer or touring caravan. This thought is after a little bit of fun with pulling a trailer a week before after at least a two years break from towing them.

My thoughts on pulling trailers were stop when we passed the place I had to pull into on a trip to the coast with the family. Stu had one to many pink wafers, and was, well a bit car sick. Its a good thing that defenders are wipe cleanable. Much to the disgust of Kim.

Kim even out here miles away from home, Thing still appear that reminds me of her.

Flying though the county

One thing I have not mentioned is a course I have been doing. Mostly Paperwork, until now. I will spend a whole weekend doing a section of it. What most of my fellow course mates say is the fun part. The practical training & assessment.

What the course I hear you ask, Its a ASET Level 3 in blue light driving (ambulance). Or in other words, I am going to be driving around Shropshire on Blue lights. It not as fun as you think, honestly.

After getting the paperwork & vehicle checks out the way. It was the first drive, a straight drive with no warning devices. To see what our normal driving is like, It went well, I did miss a overtaking opportunity. But I am at the right standard to do the rest of the training. As both mine and the other trainee's driving was up to scratch we could do one blue light run each, before the end of the day.

Both were within Shrewsbury itself, I did make a couple of small mistakes. Nothing serious. After input on the drives we finished for the day. Next was the longer drives and the final assessment drives.

So the next morning, after vehicle checks, there was two short runs again, then it was on to the long runs. Mine was from the edge of Shrewsbury to far side of Telford via Crudgington. About a 25 mile run, cover most types of roads. God it's tough to do with a running commentary. It's amazing how many driver panic when they have a Vehicle with blue lights on behind them.

After parking in a layby for a debrief on the run and a smoke, umm I know bad for my health and yes I was hidden from view. It was time for my fellow trainee Garth's turn, It was of similar length ending on the A49 near Whitchurch. It was not a bad drive at all, and to be honest I was a bit jealous of how good his driving was.

After pulling into the midway truck stop for Garth's debrief and swap over, it was my turn for a run. This one was the assessment run, that I passed or failed on. So no pressure. I was told to active warning systems on the A41 between Tilstock and Wrexham road traffic islands. I refused as there was a active emergency vehicle running on Blue light coming up behind me. After the Police car had passed, I was told to head for Ellesmere and to start my run after the traffic island.

This made me a little bit happy, I would be doing my assessment run on a road I traveled many times with work. Twice a day in term time. The instructor know my thinking on commentary, It stop if it interferes with safety. I think he was quite happy with that. So It was blue lights on, siren on and off we go.

Bloody hell, I am driving what is affectively a 2.5 ton -ish van, above the speed limit, I did not have time to enjoy doing 70mph on a road I normally travel on doing 50mph. My mind was filled with speed, position, dangers, corners, road conditions, and lots of other things that I need to think about to keep us, safe and on the black stuff.

As the run carried on we were getting closer to my stomping grounds. Then I was directed to head for Os-west-tree. Oh Heck, I am going to Blue light Though my home town. The Instructor does not know Oswestry at all, and on finding out I live there told me to just drive around it. So I did. Passed the end of my Parents road. I know my dad would hear the siren and would be saying “I wonder were thats going”.

Into town, up to the weird light set up by Morrisons supermarket, up Oswald road and passed Sainsbury. Out toward work, shame it was closed, would of loved to turn up there with light a go go. And at works driveway, my run finished.

All that was needed now was for Garth to do a run back into Shrewsbury, which he did perfectly. Finish some paperwork off. Job done.

It was not until I got into my landy to come home that I though, one day I may have to do that with someone like Kim in the back to get them to the Isolation ward.

Sobering though.

You may think this Posting is a bit boring, but it has a real message. Blue Light driver are trained to drive as quickly and safety as possible But we need your Help as a Driver to do this. There is a great video that show you how you can help at www.bluelightaware.org.uk

Home is where the calm heart is

Shell is having problems coping with the stress of what has happened. This is coming out in the form of panic attacks.

These don't really affect her when she is in the familiar controlled environment of home, or Pats, her mums house that is within sight of our home. But when she is out of the house, she starts getting a bit wound up. Ending up with her having palpitations, sweating, dizziness and light headedness.

At this point she gets into the fight or flight response. Shell is quite feisty at times making her flight almost like a fight at times. Getting really agitated and angry when heading away from home. Starting to settle down when heading back to her comfort zone.

This make her going shopping a nightmare. So I do it, usually at 9pm on Tuesday night after my first aid group's training night, or after work for the Freezer shop. Even though I do the shopping shell make a list for me to follow, but I do make a few changes to cheaper items.

I know It sounds like there is a bit of agoraphobia mix in there too.

She tries to hides from her grief and feeling of lost by keeping the house running. And doing all the things a mother does at home. When she stops doing that, the computer become her comfort blanket. Just like it was the life line between her and Kim when she was in hospital.

It is understandable that Shell is finding it hard to cope, a mother bond to her children is strong. As I said in my last posting she is 'A woman that has had her heart ripped out and jumped up and down on by Gods big size 15 hobnail boots.'

She needs love, support, understanding and a hand in the right direction. For me to be her rock, For me to need her, to show her that even if she not doing stuff out side the house, that she is still useful and needed. For us to support each other, in our own individual ways.

To be a loving couple battling though what life has thrown at us, together.

beard or spiritual plaster?

I have done something that shell does not like, grown a beard.

Now I don't really know why I have grown it, may be due to not having Kim lip reading any more, maybe something to hide behind or just as a Spiritual plaster.

All I know is I feel a bit more comfortable with it on. I don't think its really to hide behind, as you stand out with a beard. But then again it hard to see if the mouth is a bit smiley or a bit sad with a beard.

Many blokes say they feel more confident or like a new man, when they have a beard. As for me it is part of the defence I use to stay upright and working. It is a bit weird, some want to hide. But I want to go Its not me, I'm different, I am in distress. I am Supporting a Family in distress.

I would be an idiot not to recognise the family is in distress. I am trying to hold it together, work and do my volunteering. How the hell are you meant to get your head straight, working 12 hour days. Have a step daughter that wont talk, but will go to her mates and come back drunk as her way of coping. A step lad that was already messed up in the emotion department before Kim got ill. Having a Daughter with Globe development delay, newly diagnosed ADHD that does not have the language skill to express her feelings.

Then there is the Big one, My wife, Shell.

A Mother that has lost her First born.A woman that has had her heart ripped out and jumped up and down on by Gods big size 15 hobnail boots.

You would be forgiven for thinking I am going to tell you about how my wife and her world imploded, But I think the least she deserve a future posting I am trying to write. That show her problems for what they are and not as she said “ I am worried the blog will make me look like a completely mad bitch”

standing in a car park

I am standing in a car park waiting for students, as I wait I look at the wonderful view of the welsh countryside this car park offers me. I am not really enjoying it as Today is the 24th of April, Two months since Kim passed away.

I feel down, I feel like I need to cry but can't. I am stuck in a limbo of sadness. So much reminds me of her, everywhere I look I see thing that my mind link to her. From her favour cup to sheep, before you think I lost it, she loved watching Wallace and Gromit's close shave.

I am working hard to keep the family running. I am tired, life is tiring at the moment. Pushing myself to stay functional, keep going. Not just shut down as I want to do.

As the students walk across the car park I think

'Two months ago today. I stood next to my step daughter, looking so peaceful after the fight she had. And shed a tear.'

The blender of emotion.

I am doing my usual thing of late, looking at the shadows on the ceiling. I am having really trouble getting my head around everything.

I feel like I'm in a blender of emotions, thoughts and feeling. I don't know if I want to cry or punch a wall, and I am not a violent man. Feeling burnt out in a world in grayscale. I can't work out what I feel or think at the moment. Being buffered by all sorts of thoughts and feeling.

The If only's, if only, she was in the 20% of survival. If only, she did not have the chest infection. If only, the bone marrow when into her. If only, she never had AML at all.
WHY. Why Kim, Why AML, why now, why did she die. Why US.
Hate. Hate of AML, Hate of anything that give me painful memories.
Yearning to have Kim back.
Unfairness that Kim has gone.
Apathy.
Pain, pain of lost, the scar across my heart and soul.

With all this going though my head, I think I am going mad.

Total confusion

Its the 19 of April, a Sunday. I don't know what happened earlier today. I just lost use of my mind, it just froze up like a old 486. I stood there, everything just did not make sense. Total confusion, some people will joke that its normal for me. I do wonder if all that gone on has affected me more than I realize, umm, No, I must just be a bit tied.

Well I did get an Easter treat, new Red Dwarf. It is one of my Sci Fi loves, & back to earth was, well a good watch. Even if it was based on a old episode 'back to reality'.

A colleague of mine from my VAS, had done first aid cover at one of the Basil Brush shows. Steph saw his Facebook status about it the other day over my shoulder, 4 hours later we were able to stop her going “Boom Boom Class, Boom Boom Basil” Oh the fun of having a child with ADHD.

As I sit here, I don't really think. Have I burnt out. Will I start to think again. I look up to see Steph at the back window. She goes from right to left as she does getting lower in stages, like she is walking down stairs. Then returns to the right coming back to the level she was before like she was on a escalator, then presses the window like there is an invisible button then disappearing straight down. I know where I seen this before.

She pop back up, laughs moves like Basil Brush doing ha ha Boom Boom. In my head I can hear Basil doing it. I smile, even with all the problems I am going though after the loss of Kim. Steph my little monkey does little gems like that, that lift my slightly, giving me a glimpse into the normal life I had before and hope I will have again.

Ha ha ha BOOM BOOM

Its April half term, I am walking across Frankwell car park back to my mum and Stephanie. As I walk I think about whats happened. Steph going on tables to control her condition. It early days, but hopefully it will work. Its been a month and a bit since Kim passed. Shell had not got around to arranging counselling yet, oh well she will do it soon.

I meet up with Mum and Steph and head into Theatre Severn, Its the first time we have been here. A fun colourful set with a podium sitting centre stage laid out before us and happy Basil Brush type music plays, as the happy fun filled kids wait for the start of Basil Brush's High Skool Mania.

I don't feel as fun filled as the rest of the auditorium, I don't feel like fun at all. The show start with a flurry of music and Basil appearing at the top of the podium, as the cast appears on set the plot of the story is laid out, littered with bad puns. The anarchic of Basil at his best cut though my low mood and confusing over Mr Carl wearing a old British school uniform of blazer and cap, against the duo Double Trouble and Bonnie wearing American High School cheerleader type clothes.

By the time Basil and Mr Carl where trying to work out acronyms to impress the school inspector, and they came out as POO, WEE, BUM, I was Laughing away with Steph and the rest of the audience. It seem to be that I have left life at the door and escaped in the mad cap world of Basil Brush. The intermission come and Ice Cream and laugher follow.

The second part of the show was as mad and fun as the first. The school inspector, played by amazing balloon artist Bob Wooding, ended up having to look after the class (us the audience) performing his act in the process. It was a reference to generation of kids TV including Thunderbirds, pink panther, ET and my favour being a sci fi fan a dalek.

The show carried on with bob taking a custard pie to face, with a great comic look after. Even though a the small group of hecklers that basil and the cast did some great ad libs with, shouted “eat it, don't waste it” Steph goes mad at the last bit, songs, dance and the Sing a long. She loves them, The sing a long is based on the song 'oh billy'.

The show ends but the fun time, sillyness and energy of a good old family fun show carried on out of the theatre with us, Kids shouting the catchphase “HA HA HA BOOM BOOM”, “yes sirrrrrrrr” and “seriarse” Basil used instead of serious among many more. Steph and I were no exception. As we laugh and joked all the way back to the landy and onward to home.

We had not had his much fun in ages, It was a welcome break from the life we had lived over the last 5 months. Mum had thought of us going and bought the tickets, it goes to show mums do know best, even if Mr Carl looked like Boris Johnson love child.

counselling anyone?

Its been a Month since Kim's passing. Mandy is hugging the bin as she lays in bed. Her behaviour is worrying me. She has been going out, getting drunk more often and in large amounts. Everyone is having trouble, including me.

I would explain the problems everyone is having, but it gets complicated and Shell has banned me from blogging about her emotion mountain, warning that she would bestow a divorce on me if I did.

As Mandy groans into the bin, I sit on our bed with Shell watching TV. I have been mulling over the Idea of family counselling. I have had counselling before, for some horrible jobs I have had in my volunteering with a large first aid charity. Finding this has helped, I had been pondered about how the rest of the family would react to the idea, of talking about they deepest emotions with a stranger . They have enough trouble talking about them in the family.

I turn to Shell “ you know this is not normal for Mandy, she is struggling. Everyone is, we need help” Shell says nothing so I carry on “ we need counselling, all of us. You know what I am like after it, It helps.” Shell agrees that something needs doing, so I tell her where the phone number is to a service the GP surgery gave me.

Shell turns in for the night leaving me to watch TV and ponder over whether to grow a beard or not.

avoiding me are you.

Its half way though the day and A member of staff is still avoiding me like the plague. I know why they are, They don't know what to say or how I will react. Do they think that when they say “how are you“ I would take my work boot off and say “yes, I can talk to her on this” then hold my boot to my ear and hold the lace out like an antenna.

With that thought, I decided to help him over it, by going over and chatting. But with out talking about Kim, asking how he is or offering how I was. And see how long it would be for he ran or asked about kim / me. A bit cruel of me, but my mind was in dark humour mode.

I had decided to hide his identity.
I started with a favourite of the UK,

Me “ Afternoon, The bloody morning fog makes it fun driving first thing in the morning”
Member of Staff “ Umm, yes. I think it would”
Me “ Yup, total nightmare. Anyway any thing interesting been going on lately”
MoS “ Now much really”

I can see the sweat of worry forming

Me “ that's about right for around here. What about UFO spotted in Bridgnorth, Do you think ET come back to pay his phone bill. ”
MoS laughs “ A intergalactic call, now that going to cost a bit.”

he moves nervously, I have the mental image of him thinking of the boot phone. At this point I decide to take pity on him.

Me “ Oh sorry, I forgot to ask how you are”
MoS “ Im fine ta” He pauses, takes a deep breath “and how are you”
Me “ Me, well I'm ok. It been a bit rough of late. But I am trying to look on the bright side, that Kim in no longer, in pain. Some times it works some times it does not. ”
MoS “That good then”
Me “ Yes, anyway must get going, I should be working.”

To the Member of staff. I'm sorry about that, But it did shatter the ice.

Another thing to get my head around

A letter fell on the mat today when I was home for lunch, One of great importance. Do you remember the letter we missed to open the day after Kim death, this new one was linked to that.

The Letter was from CAMHS, Shropshire's Child and Adolescents Mental Health Service. Saying that due to us not contacting then over the letter dated the 22 February 2009, Stephanie has been taken off the register. This started a hurried forage for the original letter.

I better fill you in on Stephanie. She is a handful, with what her Special Education Need paperwork calls Global Development Delay with a long list of what problems she has, that would fill at least 4 blog postings by themselves.

Shell found the letter, looked at it and handed to me. It started with the usual waffle, about the clinic visits and test etc, It then told us what the results were. I looked at the finding for a moment or two, thinking Why does everything come at once.

The Paragraphs that got me when along the lines of 'She has many problems, only one of which can be dealt with by CAMHS, This being A.D.H.D'

'To continue on to treatment of this condition please contact us for an appointment, If you don't contact us will with take it you wish not to continue using the CAMH Service and immediately removed from care'

Quickly I find the cordless phone and ring the CAMHS office, and start explaining why we have not been in contact. “ The letter arrived the day after her half sister death and unfortunately got mix up in the medley of this event.” The soft gentle tone of the female staff member replies “ I with let the Doctor know, As these are exceptional circumstances I can see little problem with you being put back into our service” I thank her for her understanding and She offered her condolences.

I sit there smoking a roll up for a few. Thinking about it all, trying to get my already mixed up head around this new situation. Before heading back to work

Back to work

Its time to go back to work, my head is not really in it. I am still numb over the last few weeks. Picking up students is the easy part of the job today, they usually don't talk in the mornings. Opting to sit there trying to wake up properly before reaching college.

I go for a smoke before head inside, and I bump into what must be the only person in the college that did not know about Kim. “Awright mate, how was the holiday” without thinking I reply “yes, been ok, best thing is not working on my birthday” I don't know why I said it, I think it was because it was the easy way.

I aim to keep my head down, go and check my mail slot in the staffroom. Before talking to anyone, to strengthen myself. Half way down the corridor a member of staff I get on well with comes the other way smiles “Hello, I heard about Kim, I'm sorry for your loss” I thank her, and chat a bit. Before heading off again towards the staffroom.

Going to the staff room at this time, when PA's and department administrators pick up their mail was a bit of a mistake. Standing in a prime location to bump into a large group of lovely caring compassionate people. It was nice to talk with them, but it was over powering at times.

As I walked out the door I realized, my next two week with be filled with the sayings 'sorry for your lost' , 'condolences on ...' and ' it so sad about your stepdaughter' Unlike the last time this sort of thing happened, when Kim was first in hospital, I was not angry at the over powering flow of caring. I took it as comfort or just switched off.

Mad awards and technical problems

Hello Dear Reader

This is a out of time line Posting for two things,

Firstly as you see I have a nomination for a blogging award. This is only at the begin stage at the moment, and I am waiting to hear if this blog has made it to the second round. I would like to thank you for putting me forward for the following categories

• Most Inspiring MAD Blogger 
• Best Blog Writer 
• Best Family Life Blog
• MAD Blogger of the year 2011   
• Blog Post of the Year 

You may be wondering what the MAD Blog awards are. Well they are Awards celebrate great British families and their blogs. To find out more go to www.the-mads.com


Finger cross that myself and this blog, are good enough to make it to the second round.

Secondly I would like to say Sorry for missing my posting deadline of 0730 UTC+1. This was due to fault with blogs host. and as you see is fixed. So with that Dear reader I will bow out and return you to the timeline on 16 march 2009, Enjoy.

The Funeral - Part 4

The mourning car drives off after it has done it's final duty for us, deliver us to the wake. It is at the woodlands pub, Yes you cant have a wake without alcohol. I know some of you will be thinking about my landy being parked there, but rest assured I wont be drink driving as I don't drink any more.

The room was full of people. Someone joked it would be a handful of people if there was not free food, the cynical person. Taking of food, I found my bother in law has a new trick, been able to keep his plate steady not loosing a single bit of food as he misses a chair and ends up on the floor, yes I know your not meant to laugh but I did.

There was a lot of people coming up and given they condolences, after the first 16 I decided it was time for a smoke so headed outside. My two best mates are in the smoking area, Tom and Craig. We start chatting about the day, about Stuart almost following Kim into the hole and my joke in the car.

Then we are interrupted by a guest asking who the bloke was in the grey Liverpool top is, they were surprised to find out it was Kim Biological Father. This was not the last time I was asked who he was.

I think from the amount of offerings of alcoholic beverages, anyone would of thought I was a drunk. Its amazing how many people have a weird look on their face when you say “that's very nice of you but I don't drink alcohol. A couple of times I did wonder if I had two heads.

The teens too young to get booze from the bar where trying to get some, in numerous ways. All failed as it was the same things we tried when we were their age, I am think they don't believe we were their age once.

The wake was winding down, the usual suspects where slipping what was left on the food table into carry bags they are hiding under the table. With this we head for home, I am physical and emotionally drained.

The Funeral - Part 3

The pavement fills with people to watch the coffin being loaded, me and Shell headed for the car. The vicar joined us in the car for the trip to the grave. With the back door of the hearse closing. The chief undertaker walk past the front of the car carrying a High visibility waistcoat.

As he puts it on my dark humour kicked in, I chuckled and before I could stop myself I said “A undertaker wearing a hi vis what next safety barriers around the grave” the vicar is the only one to react to this with a smile, I don't know if he like it or was being polite.

The cars set off for the half mile to the cemetery. When we arrive, there are 3 car by the grave. The hearse, our mourners car and my parents as my Mum has trouble walking due to her MS*. There is a pause to allow the people coming from the church on foot to arrive. So I check to see how mum is getting on with the uneven ground.

The crowd watches as Kim's coffin slides slowly and smoothly along the walnut deck onto the carrier. Reflecting on the polish black paintwork of the hearse as it passed heading toward it final resting place.

Accompanied by the quiet sound of sobbing, the coffin arrives next to the hole waiting for it. I look around to see groups of people huddled together comforting each other, the colour they wear does not matching the mood.

Kim is moved over the hole and is slowly lowered into the deep void, down into the cold darkness of her final resting place as the vicar say the poignant words “earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust”

mourners start to shuffle past the grave to pay they final respects, Stuart starts to shuffle past then slips almost sliding into the open grave. A few laughs sound out across the graveyard as Stuart is helped back to his feet.

The hearse moves off, the sun reflecting off the polished paintwork, sliver metal work and empty walnut load deck. Where Kim once lay for her final journey.


*Multiple Sclerosis.

The Funeral - Part 2

We have to walk past the hearse to get to the mourners car. As we get closer, Shell hand gets tighter on mine. We get into the car and the convoy moves off with the chief undertaker walking in front. there was a lot of people standing at their gates, with sad looks and bowing heads.

As we drew up at church I can see a sea of Red, Red shirts, Red T shirts, Liverpool tops and scarves. It was a wonderful, breath taking sight. I watch as Kim is being taken out of the hearse. Everyone heads into the church. We line up behind her at the door as we do I see Kim's Biological Father (KBF) sporting the grey Liverpool away shirt. He has to be different.

With all the chief mourners ready, The well Known song, you will never walk alone played by Gerry and the Pacemakers starts to play. I take a big gulp to try and clear the big lump that just appeared in my throat. I feel Shell squeeze my hand, we look at each other. And start to follow the coffin in.

As we walk down the aisle with Kim coffin covered in a Liverpool FC flag, I realize the church is packed with a sea of red, so pack in fact, over half the mourners do not have seats. So many people and so many lives touched by hers.

We file into our seats at the front. A Solitary coffin, Kim's coffin stands isolated and alone, in the middle of the large deserted space at the front of the church. The vicar starts the service, and for some strange reason when the first hymn, all things bright and beautiful, started I felt a little disconnected from the service it self. Lost in my own world thinking of Kim as some people behind me sing alternative lyrics to the hymn.

The eulogy is lovely, going on about how caring Kim was. Her attitude over not letting her deafness get in the way of her life, the awards she got for her attitude over it.

At this point I am holding back the tears with a big lump in my throat, It was so bad I could not sing along to Give me joy in my heart.

The Hymn finished and it was time for the chief mourners to line up to follow Kim out, KBF was looking related with his wife standing beside him, I could hear tuts from a couple of people. His wife moves a bit to show KBF leaning on the coffin.

We all get into position and Celine Dion My heart will go on, the theme tune of Kim favour film titanic start playing. We follow the coffin out, followed by the sea of red.

The Funeral - Part 1

I am feeling a bit down to today, its understandable as it is the funeral today. There is no time to sit and mope. There is stuff to do, logistical bits, getting the CD in a place where we wont forget it. Clothes ready to wear. Get food, Something, anything as I don't really feel like it, but going down due to lack of eating is not good.

At the moment I am in Spock mode, Just doing stuff as it is logical and holding back the emotion of the day so I can function. I get to the time in the day where I Take the landrover up to the woodland pub where we are holding the wake, we are having a funeral car so I don't have to support Shell and drive at the same time.

As I walk back home I start to think about the day ahead. I am dreading the funeral, It is horrible to bury your kids. I cant even conceive what it is like for shell to do this, and not being rude, I don't want to try, I am finding it hard to keep myself together, without pushing deeper into my feelings.

I get home and head off upstairs to get changed, I have decided to wear a suit, but I don't have a red shirt so a salmon coloured shirt will have to do. I head down stairs as it nearly time for the transport to arrive.

Shell stands next to me at the door, I can see her eye are moist. Stuart shout “here She come” Shell gets hold of my hand, in silence. The hearse comes into view, as the black paintwork reflects in the light, and the glass side showing the coffin of Kim, Shell tightens her grip.

The front door closes with a dull thud and clunk of the lock, I look at shell and see the despair and sadness in her eyes.

Black or Red? That is the Question

The Vicar had just left. We decided to get the him to do the eulogy, As me and shell thought we could not stand up and talk about Kim without breaking down. I have to find two CD with the songs we want playing at the entrance and exit of Kim. I am thinking of making a CD with just the two songs in the order they are going to be played, to save any problems on the day.

Pat has decided to deal with the head stone and has told us bluntly she buying it, end of. I think it nice that she doing it, and I am not arguing with her. As I don't want to upset her, she had enough of that already.

I think back over the last few days. Some people thought it was wrong of me not to go see Kim in the chapel of rest. But I said my goodbyes at the hospital. I did not need to see her again, to cry again.

There had been a big chat about clothing for the funeral. Formal Black? Come as you are? Suits? During the chat my dark humour raised its head, and I had to stop myself from saying nudist. Some time I come very close to my humour getting me into trouble. It all came back to the same question every time a dress code was suggested “What would Kim want?”

So that where we started, Formal black? No, suits? No, Come as you are? Crop top and peddle pusher, Defiantly NO. Smart Casual? Yes, but not black, Bright colours. Some suggested Red. Then that was link to her favour football club, Liverpool.

That was it Dress code is Smart casual, Liverpool shirts or red tops.

We told all that were coming and One of Kim's best mates Katie, contact us. Asking if she has to wear a liverpool top as she is a strong Man U fan. This is the same Katie that Kim had an in joke with over the two teams, so I commented that Kim would of found it funny for her to turn up in a Man U Shirt, as the final in joke between them. Only time with tell if she does or not.

News Hounds

I am Sitting in the front room looking at the cordless phone, Wondering how the person that just phoned got our ex directory number.

I could understand local interest, But national interest baffled me. I think I better start a the beginning.

I woke up to hear shell telling someone to go away, in less polite terms then closed front door, I find out a few minutes later It was a lad I know from the local weekly newspaper, The Advertiser. Who popped around to find out if I knew anything about the rumour of a death of a college student.

Later on in the day, I given him a ring. And arranged a time for him to pop round for a chat. Between that call and him arriving later in the day, Pat had three calls and we had one from newspapers, asking for interview.

We had decided that only, the Advertiser and Shropshire Star would get anything out of us. As they are local papers. David Lawson of the Advertiser turns up as arranged on the phone. We all sit down in the front room to chat.


David is same age as me, we were in the same year at school. But he was more sporty than me, and was not one of the geeky weirdos that I was. And some say I still am.

Talking about the tilt I would like on the article, That was the message of Give Blood. And why I wanted it to be in the article. Kim had had so many blood products in hospital to try and save her, None of this would have been possible without ordinary people doing some thing as simple but amazing as giving blood. Most of what was said is already here on the blog so I wont bore you with it.

Shell says “You feel so helpless and just wish it was happening to you instead” I was pondering this, and the parents need to protect they children. When Shell starts chatting about Kim hiding how tough the treatment was and rarely showing it, and how she chatted to others starting out on treatment on the ward. I thought of jumping in and saying, I think the rare time she showed how hard it is was when I arrived.

You see Kim thinks about other people feelings, and try to protect them. She knew with me she could let the guard down, after all I was the straight talking First aider?

After we finished chatting, We say goodbye to the 6ft 3 reporter left.

Then the phone ring, Its a woman magazine, wanting to buy Kims story. Over the next couple of weeks, Phone calls, letters, all wanting one thing The exclusive rights to Our, Kims story.

To think about making money at a time like this for the story would be loathsome, crude and would Sully Kim memory. But that did not stop them from ringing time and time again.

1st March

Its the 1st of march. I am on semi auto pilot, looking at a headstone catalogue. Half way though I realise what the date is, St David day, my 30th birthday. And here I am choosing a headstone, not the way I imagined I would be doing for my 30th.

This got me thinking about how the last 3 days have not been normal. And one came straight to mind. I had been to visit Doctor L to tell him Kim has passed away. It seemed fitting as he come to visit us on the cold and damp night in November to tell us the news.

Doctor L is sitting in chair as we talk, I fill him in with the bits a medical report just does not cover, about how shell is or is not coping. My thoughts on what help we need, that we could do with counselling. As we talk about Kim his caring side, the side that made him swear the Hippocratic oath shows. It must be hard to sit there and staying professional, as you talk about a person you known since birth and her death. You got to hand it to them.

I had been to see the vicar. To see if we could play pre recorded music for the funeral. We could so now we needed to find them. Then to the undertakers for the order of service. We had worked out what hymns to use with the help of my Mum.

We had the back page done. The top had a poem, and the bottom was the thanks and where donations were going.

I found the poem on a free online poem site it did not have a writers name. Shame really. I will finish this posting with the poem.

Time has taken me from you

Although not very far

I'll be watching though the sunshine

And though the brightest star.

I'll be watching all of you

From the heavens above

So take good care of each other

And carry all my love.

If you're ever wondering

If I'm there, here's where you can start

Take a look inside yourself

Deep within your heart.

I'll always be your baby

Your child, your best friend

So anytime you need me

Close your eyes I'm back again.

The undertakers

I love the second or two of just after you wake before the memory kicks in. Then I remember the events of yesterday. I just feel like pulling the duvet over my head and let the world get on with it. Finally I get up, I don't want to I just want to leave my numb body in bed and weep into my pillow. But I can't do that as there are thing to do.

I head downstairs and slump in a chair, thinking of what had to be done today. A cup of coffee and toast appear thanks to shell, who by the looks of it is trying to get though it by keeping busy. I did not want to eat but I did anyway, it was after all breakfast time.

We have to go to the funeral directors, they need a slip of paper we have to return Kim to Oswestry. Shell does not want to go so, it is me and Shell's mum Pat that heads off to the funeral directors, to get the wheel in motion.

The Funeral directors, David Davies & Sons is a bit, umm, unique. The uniqueness and eccentricity of this company is evident in there car park. As you pull in it like the undertakers car park but the left side of it has everything you expect at a window fitters.

You may think its weird having a undertaker doing window fitting, But I don't even think about it as I concentrate on the matter in hand. Getting though the day and getting the tasks I need to do done.

We are greeted by a lovely man, with window sealant on his work issue sweatshirt. Who show us into the meeting room and says someone will be with us shorty. Gillian arrives and with all the care you expect of a family run funeral directors talked and help though the first parts of organizing a burial.

We get to the point where she asks what coffin we would like. My dark humour kicked in as defence, I am able to hold in the comment of 'can we have a glass one'. As we looked though the catalogue, I wondered if anyone has asked for or joked about a glass one before.

With the wheels in motion for the funeral, with the lovely caring undertaker, we head home, Pat is worse for wear, so am I but the hard defensive coating stop it showing.

As I walk though the house, to do the next task, I miss the unopened letter on the side, a letter that explains a lot about how my daughter Steph is taking what is happening.

After a long day of doing stuff I did not have the get up and go to do. I sat down at the computer and on to facebook seeing the status I posted last night, referring to my one when Kim went back after Christmas. 'Dave and Shell have fallen off the treadmill with a big crash. Kim passed away on the 24th of February' . I go to Kim facebook page and look at all the comments, My eyes filling with tears, then I see a friend has started a group called ' in loving memory of Kimberley Jones'

That was the point where I had to give up on the Computer, I could not see it though the tears.

The Longest, hardest day - Part 3

I cant remember how I have ended up standing outside the isolation ward all by myself, but I have. I am on auto pilot, as I am shown into a side office, the same one that sat in about 10 days before being told the odds of her surviving. As I walked into the room the memories are there but bogged down in the numbness.

Kim Consultant's start talking, to this day I can not remember what she said. All I can remember is shaking the consultants hand and being presented with all the worldly goods that Kim had with her in the hospital. Her life for the last few months packed into a handful of bags.

Now it admin time, I get the Medical Cert of cause of death from a bereavement care office, load everything into the vehicle, set the Sat Nav to the Registry office. On the way out from the hospital stands the Building where Kim last hope was processed, National Blood Service lab.

I pulled up outside the registry office and look round at the sad faces, with red eyes and tear lines running down them. The kids did not want to come so Tom stayed with them, to look after them. As I walked to towards the Build I reached total emotional shutdown. Not the best time to update my direct boss, on what happening.

I send a impersonal text just saying 'kim has died', I was not thinking, and did not think about him receiving that o so blunt text. The Battle harden First Aider in me, was running the show, If it was not, I would still be back at the hospital crying on to Tom T shirt.

Processing the death was a cold and logical process. As I walked out I Looked down at the certificate of death, and a part of my soul ached with the finality of it all. Well in Birmingham at least.

We arrive back at home. Shell is crying, she has not stop since she got the news about Kim. Steph is doing what she normally does as it has not sunk in. God I wish I had the fortune of innocence to protect me from this horrible day. We off load the kit and I head back to work to drop the vehicle off.

I walk though the doors to see Barry standing at reception. As I get closer, he utters a line he had thought greatly about “bad day then” this would be the last greeting I would have for a while that would not have the words sorry or condolences in the first line.

As I walk into the cool evening air, I lean against a support pillar. Take a deep breath and try to muster the last dregs of energy in my body to stop myself falling apart where I stood.

Today had really taken it out of me.

The Longest, hardest day - Part 2

With the Phone call from Shell going around and around inside my head. We find the ICU and are shown into a room, where a Nurse arrives with a doctor to tell us the news face to face.

KIM IS DEAD.

They gave us the technical terms for why she died, only me and Tom could understand what they meant and Tom summed it up nicely, “The infection she had was too much for her”

We were asked if we wanted to see her as they got the paperwork sorted. We decided to go in two groups, Me and Tom, then Mandy, Trudy and Stu.

Tom and myself head down to see her first. The ward is painted in what I can only describe as window XP task bar blue. As we are shown into the bay, We see the bed with clean uncreased white sheets, above the head of the bed was a wall of white and red sockets, and monitoring equipment.

Lying in the bed, sheets neatly running across her shoulders was Kim, bandanna taking pride of place on her head. As it always has since her hair loss. She looked so peaceful, like she was just asleep. That is when I turned to Tom and lost the hard coating I had been using to do what needed to be done.

It must have been a strange sight, me standing there head rested on the chest of Tom, a 6ft 2in bloke with a rugby players build crying and blubbering my heart out. A heart that at that moment had a part of it ripped away. I look across at the 17 year old I loved and cared for so very much, A child I cared for like my own, a child I comforted when she fell over or was ill. A child that would not see the life that had lay out in front of her.

I started to pull myself together numb all over, just wanting to find a place to hid, to curl up and block out the world, to cry and hold my broken heart. I wanted the world to stop, so I could get off and mourn Kim. But alas life goes on around the stillness of this moment.

Sitting in the room waiting for Mandy, Stu and Trudy to return and the doctor to arrive, I feel nothing, just numbness. Everyone files into the room, the Doctor, 2 junior doctors, and 2 nurses. The Doctor talks, I just sit there. Unthinking, until the bone marrow comes up.

My mind was doing what it did back on that cold dark night that we were told about Kim's illness. The Practical, Professional part of my mind took over. “Can it be opened up to be used anyone needing it, or used in research?” over half the room were taken aback by this, & a junior Doctor shuffles out of the room. “we need to look into that” replies the doctor. Then carries on with the rest of the needs to be done stuff. Until being call out to the junior doctor, with some notes.

They came back in, saying that it can not be used by anyone else as it was harvested for Kim, but as we agreed for any spare to be used for research, then it will all be used by research labs. At least Mandy's selfless painful act would not be in vain after all.

The Longest, hardest day - Part 1

Its the 24 Feb, the day Kim get the bone marrow infusion, as I lean on the work vehicle in Wem waiting for the time to leave. I ponder this thought, The national blood service* had started processing Mandy bone marrow over night. And I wonder how well this infusion will work on kim.

The engine stops as my phone rings. Its a nurse from the QEH telling me Kim is not well, That I should be ready to head over to Birmingham. This does not sound good, I need to think about what to do. I decided to think as I have breakfast, Just in case I end up on a mad dash to the QEH, as it could be my only meal of the day and me flaking out would not help anyone.

I sat at a table that would not look out of place in a fast food joint, including the ketchup splatter that missed the last users plate. I look out thought the double fire exit doors, at the students laughing and joking seeming not to have a care in the world. As I sat here like a fish in the fish tank of desperation. My thoughts on the different between the life of These students and that of Kim are interrupted by my phone ringing.

It was the hospital, Kim has been moved to Intermediate Care Unit. They said I should start heading over. Quickly I talked to my colleagues and the boss, telling them what happening. And ended up with the keys to a vehicle to get there.

I pull up outside home, to pick up the Sat Nav and a couple of passengers. I set up the Sat Nav, wrote a parking note, using the key words the nurse told me**. As a friend Izzy turns up with Mandy's Iron tables. I was not overly happy with Mandy coming as she was feeling the affects of the procedure she had yesterday, But if Kim was very bad. I could not stop her.

We are making good time as we reach Telford, I feel something shift in my back. As my need to pee grows, I guess it was mirco stone in my Kidney. It was no good I would have to pull over into the services. I get out at the services to umm, get rid of my waste water. Leaving Tom, Stu, Mandy and her mate Trudy in the vehicle for a short time, then it on the road again to complete the 68 miles dash to Kim side.

I pull up in the one of the spaces the nurse told me to use, stuck the note in the window and hid the Sat Nav. As I walk away from the vehicle my phone rang.

It is Shell, crying.

*www.blood.co.uk
** They have a way of stopping you being booked, and I am not telling.