I have had enough off mum

It is the 19th of January. I am sadden by what's been going on over the last couple of weeks.

I don't know if I'm a pessimist or a realist. But the worry I had when we found another angle on Kim's sporadic eating have come true. She has now stopped altogether, even the food parcels we are taking in.

I am leaning on the Front of the landy smoking the 3rd cigarette in a row. Pondering the Glass half empty / half full thing and decided that at the moment it could be 'Glass what glass some bugger drunk it and nicked the bloody Glass'. If I am this low after 2 month & 14 days, God know what I will be like when it been 12 months.

I Kick the little Voice in my head saying “If she gets that far' into a sound proof cell in my mind. I take a deep breath and head for the entrance.

“Don't say it” Kim says as I walk though the door “ I have had enough off mum” I know Shell has been on online chat with her since before I got home from work.

“She's right” was the reply as I dropped the bag of clean washing in the corner. “you do need to eat or you will become too weak for treatment. I know the chemotherapy is most probably changing the way things taste, but a dietitian has been up here working out a food plan with you. Please see them again and try even harder to eat”

I could tell by the the look on her face that everyone has been talking to her about it, so I decided to leave it there.

I started trying to talk about other things but it was hard with the 'no eating elephant' in the room. After a while of uneasy conversion, I said see you later.

Talking to the nurses about the options over nutrition for Kim. The Doctor was not going to fit a feed line, as it could scratch her nose or throat.

The thoughts of a garden hose, funnel and a big jug of oxtail soup have flashed though my weird mind.

There are no words for how I feel about Kim not eating. Very worried is the understatement of the century.