I deposited Kim back into her nice clean room, the deep clean team did a wonderful job.
Driving back was a mix of emotions, it was nice to have her home for the day but she was weak as a kitten. So fragile I had a image of wrapping her up in bubble wrap for the journey back*.
As I pull up the handbrake a wave of tiredness flows over me, It may of look to any outsiders as a lazy day at home, although you could not see, I had been far from restful from the first time I set eyes on her this morning, there are a lot of thing you can check without touching. Rate of breathing, pupil reaction time, blood refill to skin. And that what I did all day, checking for changes in the above. And now the mental strain is showing.
I drop my weary body out of the landy and head into the house, the door squeaks as I open it, The house looked normal enough, shell checking emails the kids watching TV, but there is a feeling of unfilled space and a more sombre mood than the normal tonight. I wonder if seeing her here has brought home the thin line she treads.
As I lay in bed that night looking at the ceiling as I normal do now, I feel as far away from Kim as I have ever felt before and so close.
*I do have a weird mind, or its a defence mechanisms. I cant work out which one it is. :D
Day out
I wake up to the sound of the hoover and smell of polish. I walk into the bathroom to see it been clean to within a inch of its life. I get dressed and head downstairs where I see shell in a almost dueling like manner attacking the sofa with the hoover.
I can tell Kim is coming home, the latest news is this is a one day visit home, not the week she was hoping. Well it better than nothing, and the word has got out. There is a huge list of people wanting to pop around, we are warily that this could tire kim out too much or worse one of them could bring an illness with them.
Quick conversation with them about illnesses drop the list by half. We did not want to do it, but we had to do it to protect Kim. My mum had visited her a lot when she is in hospital so decided to not pop in. with all that sorted it was time to go get Kim.
Kim was sitting on the corner of her bed coat in hand, bandanna on head. Chomping at the bit to get going. It is strange going into the room with out the barrier nursing stuff on. But considering she was heading out some what logical.As we left the cleaning staff arrive to do a full deep clean of the room during her time away.
I can't remember who got to Kim first Shell, Steph or Billy. All I know is she had a big welcome. After billy ran around madly he joined kim on the sofa. Where they both fell asleep. And that is what Kim did most of the day, sleep. The Treatment was really taking it out of her.
I can tell Kim is coming home, the latest news is this is a one day visit home, not the week she was hoping. Well it better than nothing, and the word has got out. There is a huge list of people wanting to pop around, we are warily that this could tire kim out too much or worse one of them could bring an illness with them.
Quick conversation with them about illnesses drop the list by half. We did not want to do it, but we had to do it to protect Kim. My mum had visited her a lot when she is in hospital so decided to not pop in. with all that sorted it was time to go get Kim.
Kim was sitting on the corner of her bed coat in hand, bandanna on head. Chomping at the bit to get going. It is strange going into the room with out the barrier nursing stuff on. But considering she was heading out some what logical.As we left the cleaning staff arrive to do a full deep clean of the room during her time away.
I can't remember who got to Kim first Shell, Steph or Billy. All I know is she had a big welcome. After billy ran around madly he joined kim on the sofa. Where they both fell asleep. And that is what Kim did most of the day, sleep. The Treatment was really taking it out of her.
Thoughts in the night
Everywhere is quiet. I am looking at the darken ceiling lit gently by the streetlight outside throwing a light shadow of the window frame onto it.
As I lay there looking at the ceiling I started to think.
It has been a hard 38 days. My head had and still is all over the place. The shock had passed, leaving the feeling of pain, anger, realization, despair and sadness.
Unlike my cool almost professional outside I was far from cool inside. Lucky the shock only lasted a couple of days, the anger lasted a bit longer, but passed.
I surprised myself over the last month or so with my reactions to the situation I have been in.
The numbness of the dark wet night we got told
The frustration of being stuck in hospital with the stones
The mix of getting home
The over powering experience of all the support at work, and the strange feeling of anger. Dont know why, weird.
To the realization and sadness I feel now.
There is a little up lift
Later today Kim should be coming home for a week break from hospital. I just hope her temperature and white cell count play ball.
Time to try to get to sleep again.
As I lay there looking at the ceiling I started to think.
It has been a hard 38 days. My head had and still is all over the place. The shock had passed, leaving the feeling of pain, anger, realization, despair and sadness.
Unlike my cool almost professional outside I was far from cool inside. Lucky the shock only lasted a couple of days, the anger lasted a bit longer, but passed.
I surprised myself over the last month or so with my reactions to the situation I have been in.
The numbness of the dark wet night we got told
The frustration of being stuck in hospital with the stones
The mix of getting home
The over powering experience of all the support at work, and the strange feeling of anger. Dont know why, weird.
To the realization and sadness I feel now.
There is a little up lift
Later today Kim should be coming home for a week break from hospital. I just hope her temperature and white cell count play ball.
Time to try to get to sleep again.
I know you from somewhere.
Its Saturday and it a overcast day. I am walking in with a bag of clean stuff, new mags and a couple of DVD. As I do the usual pre entry routine I notice there is some one in with Kim already.
I know her from somewhere, I just could not put my finger on it. I say hello and she nods. With my back to them putting the stuff down I hear nothing until they both laugh. Ok she is deaf too, that narrow it down. It turns out the laughter was about me not recognizing her. In my defense I had not seen her in about 2 and half to 3 years, at a bowling ally.
She is Katie, one of Kim very good friends from the SIS get togethers. They are always chatting away on facebook, messager or in any other non verbal medium.
I am treated to them laughing and joking using as little verbal cues as possible, they know each other so well, that even with out sign they can do it really well. Some thing I have seen lots of the kids do in SIS meet ups.
So here I am an outside in the world of hearing impaired kids. Being able to pick up bits of the interaction between them, but a lot more than someone that is not used to the world of a deaf child.
Kim was enjoying the jokey banter of who's football team was better, her (Liverpool) or Katie (Manchester United). The fit lads in the mags and all the other girly stuff they go on about, well I say girly they are both tomboys.
This carries on for a while until katie need to head off, the parting shot is Katie waving the man u badge on her shirt and doing the winner W with her hand then pointing at Kim liverpool cover and doing the loser L. Kim replys doing the W for her cover and the L at Katie's top. Katie disapears though the door saying "no, they are the losers"
For a time I saw the old pre illness Kim, laughing, joking and taking the Mick. It was great to see, the day to day grind of her illness had been getting me down, wearing my soul and ripping at my heart.
But today I left feeling a little bit upbeat.
I know her from somewhere, I just could not put my finger on it. I say hello and she nods. With my back to them putting the stuff down I hear nothing until they both laugh. Ok she is deaf too, that narrow it down. It turns out the laughter was about me not recognizing her. In my defense I had not seen her in about 2 and half to 3 years, at a bowling ally.
She is Katie, one of Kim very good friends from the SIS get togethers. They are always chatting away on facebook, messager or in any other non verbal medium.
I am treated to them laughing and joking using as little verbal cues as possible, they know each other so well, that even with out sign they can do it really well. Some thing I have seen lots of the kids do in SIS meet ups.
So here I am an outside in the world of hearing impaired kids. Being able to pick up bits of the interaction between them, but a lot more than someone that is not used to the world of a deaf child.
Kim was enjoying the jokey banter of who's football team was better, her (Liverpool) or Katie (Manchester United). The fit lads in the mags and all the other girly stuff they go on about, well I say girly they are both tomboys.
This carries on for a while until katie need to head off, the parting shot is Katie waving the man u badge on her shirt and doing the winner W with her hand then pointing at Kim liverpool cover and doing the loser L. Kim replys doing the W for her cover and the L at Katie's top. Katie disapears though the door saying "no, they are the losers"
For a time I saw the old pre illness Kim, laughing, joking and taking the Mick. It was great to see, the day to day grind of her illness had been getting me down, wearing my soul and ripping at my heart.
But today I left feeling a little bit upbeat.
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