Restaurant trip

Christmas is over. But the weather wants us to think Christmas is still here. Not much happened in January 2010, So here an out line of it. Its snowed, stop for a little bit then started again.

Right now I got January out the way. Its the 11th of February and I was out with my volunteering over the weekend. Now the event we covered was hovercrafting for the over 60. What a great event, The hovercrafters were a great laugh. One bloke an old pilot, mastered it within a minute and was a joy to watch. Its times like this that break the gloom of getting used to life without Kim.

Its what gone on tonight that is going to be to the fore over the next couple of days.

I am in an all you can eat Chinese restaurant 20 miles from home. There are 10 of us at a table for 11, no we have not miscounted. This is why I'm going to be in the middle of the fall out of the conversion going on now over the table for the next few days.

I will start at the begin. You remember Shell has this problem with going out. Well tonight is a family meal out, with shell's mum, dad and brothers. To celebrate a couple of birthdays, including Kims.

Her mum now knows how bad Shell is, after a full argument in the front room over her not going and her pigheadedness for fighting to stay in her safe zone.

As Shell wrapped herself up in the safety blanket she call home. We headed off to the meal, as her mum decided she would not wreck for all of us. During the drive, Pat is commenting to her sons Chris and Kev about shell problem.

Now it question time over the food, Pat is building up a picture of what has been going on.

I have mixed feeling about it. In one way I'm happy but worried about her. She need to feel safe, she need to grieve. On the over hand she need to move forward, at the moment she is stuck. And I cant get though to her. I have a feeling her mum can.

I am not a psychic, if I was Kim may still be here, but I feel tough love in shell future.

The Boxing Day After

I am slumped on the sofa. Feeling the affects of overdosing on turkey. Why do we do it, Stuff ourselves to the edge of exploding. You know so stuff one wafer thin chocolate mint would make us explode all over the front room.

I think I know why, I am half way though, yes you guessed it, a turkey sandwich. And that the answer, to get rid of a much turkey as possible so they not eating for the next 3 weeks.

Its a bit like that with my thoughts today. The leftovers of yesterday, feeding my thoughts today. Thoughts of a good friend I lost many years ago, I have talked about him in a post called Ghosts*.

And the soreness of remembering him today, on the day of this death added to by the grief I feel for losing Kim, make today very painful. I just want to shutdown and do nothing.

I get up and walk across to the bookcase we have almost full of Videos and DVDs. One shelf has books on it. I stand there looking at one book, and one video. Both with strong ties to my dearly departed friend.

The video is a signed copy of Red Dwarf Smeg ups. My mate went down to a signing of the Video by Robert Llewellyn, the actor that plays Kryten. I could not go, so he told me to give him the video and he would get signed. Which he duly did, even though he was very ill and had to use a wheelchair at this point.

The video is not special because it signed by an actor I truly enjoy watching, But because of the strong emotional story of how it got signed and the care my longed departed beloved friend had to get it signed for me.

The book is nothing special, it just a book like all the other that ran off the print run of this book. The special link is, Its my copy of the book I read to him as he lay there many years ago slowly passing away. I still cant read the last chapter of it, Its too painful.

As I start to move away, a DVD catches my eye. Mamma Mia , One of Kims favour films.

3 items, that would go unnoticed by casual lookers. Sitting there as strong links to loved ones lost. To happy times, to sad times, to memories, and emotions that others would not see.

With a single tear running down my cheek, I aimlessly wander off with the Ghosts of the past watching on.

*http://leukemicstepchild.blogspot.com/2010/07/ghosts.html

The Christmas after - Part 2

With all plates, dishes and cutlery in the dishwasher. It was time to get the flowers we bought the day before and drive down to the cemetery.

You would of thought, after Christmas dinner everyone would be asleep on the sofa, at least that what I could of done. When we arrive, even though there was a covering of snow. There was 5 cars parked up outside the gates.

As we walk down to Kim grave. we can see people, tending to they loved one graves, placing flowers, talking to the head stones. It was a wonderful sight, on this day when we celebrate the birth of a religious figure. Here we are remember loved ones lost. There seems to be a circle of life In this day and place.

As we removed the old flowers and I make a nice step arrangement, Steph is brushing the snow off the top of the gravestone. Shell is talking as if she is chatting with Kim. I can see her eyes are moist, ready to flow with tears.

This is the farthest Shell has been from home since Kim Illness. I am waiting for her to start loosing her cool and wanting to get back to the safety blanket of the house. But I get a strange feeling she too emotionally invested in this place to run way.

With the new flowers in place and the old ones in hand, we walk back to the landrover and to tea at my parents. Leaving Kim in peace in final resting place.

Christmas felt a bit sad this year. As it was missing one of it wonderful characters

The Christmas after - Part 1

I am woken by Steph Saying loudly “Daddy, Daddy, It's Christmas Day. Get up Daddy” I look at the clock, 0652 in the morning. Ok the ADHD tablets have settled her down a bit, but being woken by an excited 12 year old at this time in the morning is still not fun.

I head down stairs and into the kitchen to make myself a coffee. I have a strange feeling, the feeling of a void, a empty space. The presents are opened, Kids play or set up and half read instruction manuals. All the usual fun of a Christmas morning.

Shell disappears and returns a little bit later with stuff that wont fit in or on Pat's cooker. As we switched the location of Christmas dinner last year to aid Kim, it is Pat's turn this year.

As the food cooks on both cookers, I help set up the seating at Pat's. It's busy as everyone descends on the front room for lunch. Everyone gets a plate and sits down on one of the eleven chairs.

It was not until everyone was sitting down that it became clear, We had a one chair too many.

Sitting against the wall was a lone chair, One lone empty chair. The chair of the lost teen, The chair Kim usually sat on.

The void I felt earlier was Kim, well more to the point Not Kim. It was the space left by a missing part of the family.