behind the scenes

Well Dear Reader. I have a choice to make, Do I carry on and bore you with writing about writing posts or do I wrap this blog up.

So Bye, last one out turn off the lights.

Don't worry, I am not just going to run off. I am going to do a post or two about the here and now. The thoughts and feeling I have on writing this blog and the thing that helped.

Lets go behind the scenes of the blog. I am typing this I am sitting at my messy work bench / desk , in front of me is my Amateur radio pc that I have always used to blog to my right is my everyday pc, that I do blog research on, and set up the auto tweets and FB status updates.

Hopefully you can see a photo of my desk above.

Every Thursday I have sat here, Listening to the Trunk of funk on BBC Radio Shropshire as I sorted my notes and thoughts into something near understandable English. Some say I fail, some say I moved them.

The one thing I know is the places I have written notes or thought up the base of a posting. Some are funny, Like 1am at Manchester airport, or on a simulator on holiday. Even writing a Christmas posting in the café of the worlds museum Liverpool on a hot sunny day.

That the fun of writing a memoir blog. You can scribble in a notebook or talk into a Dictaphone about any time within the blog at any time of year.

Next week Posting will be an update from April 2010 to December 2011, But who will it be about. Well that for next week.

Till then Dear Reader, stay safe.

To Blog or Not to Blog?

I have started writing in a notepad, as a way of remember or off load random stuff that appears in my head. I am still going to do this even though I am doing counselling sessions.

But what do I do with this mix of conciousness? When I'm done, burn it? Keep it in a dark cupboard for the rest of my life collecting dust? I think what I am going though deserve more than destroying or forgetting, but what am I going to do with it.

I have been typing on to the pc as well, throwing strongly imprinted days at the digital world that is a Open Office document. Its just a mess, I don't know what to do these ranting of a dyslexic, full of holes, spelling and grammar mistakes.

Anyway, I start chatting to Dawn a fellow Radio Shropshire listener on twitter. About what I should do with it, and if I should blog it.

Wondering if anyone would read my drivel, There was a big rush to buy the rights to publish the story in the women's gossip mags. But that would have been written properly with miss quoting and edited for suspense and emotions.

During the chat, Dawn made a comment along the lines of “Write the blog for you, no one else. If people read it, then that a bonus” or words to that effect. She should know about blogging, she had just been nominated for a blog award.

So as I carried on deliberating to blog or not to blog. I started to sort out the mess of words that laid on my computer. I was not expecting it to be easy. Far from it, I was expecting it to be a bloody nightmare. Spell checker and a online dictionary came to my aid. As I bashed away at the keys to write what was to become the first proper post, that I would name A bad night.

During the second block of writing, which was to become 3 posting of first full day, I wandered to Blogspot.com, a blogging site and joined up. All I needed now was a name and something to put on the blog.

I carried on writing the rest of the 3 postings, I start to cry. The story of Kim, her illness and our experience was coming to life. The pain and emotion of that day, the morning after comes flooding back. Stabbing at the scar on my heart.

Shortly after finishing the 3 part morning after, I gave the blog a name and wrote a welcome post, within the next few hours 4 posts would join it.

Thus starting my time as a blogger. The telling my story.The story of Kim and of living life in the shadow of leukemia.

Counselling Together.

Its been a week since my first counselling session. And I am heading back to Hope House, but this time I am not alone. Shell is with me.

She does not want to see a counsellor by herself. So we are going for couples counselling. I don't know if it to do with the safety blanket of having me there or the unknown entity of counselling.

Shell is nervously playing with her phone as we sign into the building. We are met by Suzanne, we get settled in the room. Suzanne start off gently, maybe as she could sense Shells apprehension.

I sit back from the conversation, as Shell talks about Kim and the family. It was nothing heavy, as she is not one for sharing emotions freely. Then it came around to Kim's illness.

Shell was not opening up, I don't know why. She talked about how much she missed her, how she had been the talking to her a lot on the phone, but did not talk about why she had a problem with going to see her.

I am sitting there thinking that the main nut to crack for Shell to get the most out of it, is for Shell to under stand the protective barrier of not having to look at the physical signs of the leukemia and the treatment in Kim. This would lead to exploring the problem of her not going out.

I can understand why in the time just after Kim's death, that Shell would not fancy going out. I had a fair deal of it at work, People reminding you. Now it not really their fault, they want to show you they care. But after a while the lines, ' I'm sorry for your loss' and 'my condolences' become sticks poking at the scar left on the heart.

The session comes to an end for today. It seemed that Shell was a bit happier about counselling. Doing it alone, was still beyond her at the moment. That's ok, I can live with that she taken the first steps. This is the largest distances, she been from the house since losing Kim. And she is getting help from a counsellor.

So It's been a big day for her, I am glad that she was able to come this far. Let hope the forward movement carry on.

First counselling Session

With the last post I talked about how BBC Radio Shropshire help me. So it seem logical to skip to the end of March, and talk about the start of counselling. The other foundation to my emotion recovery. Plus, my birthday was not much to talk about.

A bit of background about the organisation given us counselling. Hope House. A hospice that deal with children, over 320 and they families at anyone time. It also gives Post bereavement support to over 100 families, Some of these they have not had dealing with before the death of they child.

This is my first visit to hope house but it not my first time having counselling, but this is different. I am used to post traumatic type to stop post traumatic stress starting, not bereavement type. So I was a bit tense when I arrived.

I was introduced to the lovely Suzanne, who was going to be my counsellor. And headed of to one of the family rooms.

We just generally chatted about the family, Kim's illness. To get a basic background to my life, and also putting me at my ease. It did put me at ease with talking to her, putting in place the foundation of counselling. The feeling of being safe.

Now some of you may be thinking why being safe? In this situation you will be opening up and bearing your soul and the emotions that you would not allow others to see. You must feel secure, snug and protected to become unguarded, to let your protective barriers down to exposed your vulnerable, pained inner self.

Some of you will be reading that and thinking what a load of psychological bull faecal matter. Oh well, each to their own thoughts on it.

I have a lot of protective barriers, It come with the hobby of doing first aid. One of them is disjointing emotions, becoming emotionless. A bit like Star Trek's Spock, some times it is very handy. But it does come with a down side or two, big emotional reactions to the silliest thing or not being able to reconnect to them.

Suzanne has seen this before, and has experience in helping getting them back together with the person. in times of large emotion stress my mind runs off to Spock logic, so it was going to become a big part of my sessions, assisted by the greatest emotion link out side the family. Music*, the more I got exposed to music the more my happier emotions came to a point were I could access them, dragging the other emotions with them to a point that with the help of Suzanne meet up with them and share them, in the safe secure environment of the sessions.

The other was dark humour. I have to watch how I use this as many see it as being sick or uncaring, or even worse both. Suzanne was not phased by it, in fact she some times used it as a spring board to get though other protective barriers I had, to get to areas that were not otherwise forthcoming.

As you walk away from a session, you are trying to get the barriers back in place before you hit the real, everyday world. Sometimes I would return home, with some gaps in them. And sit saying very little, trying to get over what happened in the session and get the emotion and barriers in check.

I am sure people knew when I had a hard session. I was not the smiling chatty person I use as a mask to hid the scarred and damaged person inside.

Dear Reader

Hope house is a charity and only carry on it's wonderful work thanks to donations. If this posting touched your heart. maybe the next time you see one of they boxes, you may want to drop a pound in it or not, the choice is yours.

* The music was usually on Radio Shropshire. As I am writing this, I am listing to music to help me write. Trunk of funk then Jim on Iplayer.

Radio

I have mentioned BBC Radio Shropshire before. So I thought it was time to talk about what it has done for me since I found it.

A lot of my Job is lone working, that means I spend a lot of time on my own. And when you got thing on your mind that is not a good thing. Grief over Kim and worry about how Shell is taking her loss, does nothing for a good mood at all.

There are two parts to how Radio Shropshire helped. One was the day time show, when I was alone. The other was two what called specialist show.

The day time shows, showed me the county of Shropshire in a new light.

Clare Ashford has now moved to join Eric Smith on the breakfast show. Both are far too quick witted for that time in the morning.

Jim Hawkins does a mainly talk based show with some great music sprinkled though it. Showing the human side of Shropshire, Giving a new angle on local stories and people. With the core idea of helping people out along the way.

Colin Young's afternoon show. It has a fun personal feel, with some fun interaction bits. like prat nav, you have to guess the place in Shropshire with cryptic sat nav style directions. And hitting the headline, where you have to give a song to match the headline. Some times I try to get Col to read out the most weirdest answers to both of these, usually ending up with a comical comment from him.

Then there is Adam Green and Vicki Archer, with the drive time show. With more interaction with schools out, a guessing game where Vicki's pre school explain an object, it's harder than it sounds. Then there is place of the week, a place in Shropshire that they visit and learn about, taking us along for the ride.

I have friends on twitter from all over Shropshire thanks to these day time shows, I am taking with one of then that blogs, and mulling over starting one myself.

Then there is the specialist shows, shared between 3 local stations. Both are music shows.

The Trunk of Funk, Colin Young uses his massive knowledge of music from the 70's and 80's. Disco, funk, northern soul. It has a lively community on twitter and facebook, and Col interaction on air and online during the show. This really adds a feeling of togetherness, like we are on one big dance floor. Even if we are spread across the world.


Jim Hawkins Show is a bit different. He call it “taking music for a walk” I call it Magical mystery wander. I don't know most of the music he play, but its good and its fun. I like to spread this show across 3day, one hour a day. As a nice little pick me up.

As you can see two really uplifting specialist shows and the friendly day show, really help to lift my mood, and help me think happier thoughts.

So As you can see, BBC Radio Shropshire has helped keep me sane during the dark time, and keeps me the right side of the black dog, by being good it job. Being the voice of Shropshire.

Writers note, wondering if I decided to do the blog? You are reading it LOL.