The blender of emotion.

I am doing my usual thing of late, looking at the shadows on the ceiling. I am having really trouble getting my head around everything.

I feel like I'm in a blender of emotions, thoughts and feeling. I don't know if I want to cry or punch a wall, and I am not a violent man. Feeling burnt out in a world in grayscale. I can't work out what I feel or think at the moment. Being buffered by all sorts of thoughts and feeling.

The If only's, if only, she was in the 20% of survival. If only, she did not have the chest infection. If only, the bone marrow when into her. If only, she never had AML at all.
WHY. Why Kim, Why AML, why now, why did she die. Why US.
Hate. Hate of AML, Hate of anything that give me painful memories.
Yearning to have Kim back.
Unfairness that Kim has gone.
Apathy.
Pain, pain of lost, the scar across my heart and soul.

With all this going though my head, I think I am going mad.