Its the 25 May 2009, and I am on a 100 mile round trip errand of mercy. To collected stranded students and staff from Machynlleth. I don't know why they are stuck, just that I had 5 minute to get on the road. Its a good thing I know the route to Machynlleth well, I travelled it over many years going to the caravan my mum and dads used to have in Borth.
As I get to the sign for the town, I can see how bad the weather is. It is raining sideways!! Ok I know it can not technically rain sideways, but it was having a good go. Memories come back to me, eating chips from that chippy on the bench outside, getting stuck on the station as the train broke down. Many a happy or fun memories. But I was not here for a trip down memory lane, I was here to pick up students.
I pull up to the hastily arranged pick up point to find, well, umm, soggy or wet does not cover it. A group of Students and staff that look like they had just been pulled out of Cardigan Bay. I stop with the sliding door away from the rain. They hurriedly get in, almost instantly the inside of the minibus windows get covered in condensation.
After clearing the windows in the cab area, I headed off. Hoping that I get back in time so a hold on all transport does not happen. As I drive, I think about how the road would be to drive with a trailer or touring caravan. This thought is after a little bit of fun with pulling a trailer a week before after at least a two years break from towing them.
My thoughts on pulling trailers were stop when we passed the place I had to pull into on a trip to the coast with the family. Stu had one to many pink wafers, and was, well a bit car sick. Its a good thing that defenders are wipe cleanable. Much to the disgust of Kim.
Kim even out here miles away from home, Thing still appear that reminds me of her.
Flying though the county
One thing I have not mentioned is a course I have been doing. Mostly Paperwork, until now. I will spend a whole weekend doing a section of it. What most of my fellow course mates say is the fun part. The practical training & assessment.
What the course I hear you ask, Its a ASET Level 3 in blue light driving (ambulance). Or in other words, I am going to be driving around Shropshire on Blue lights. It not as fun as you think, honestly.
After getting the paperwork & vehicle checks out the way. It was the first drive, a straight drive with no warning devices. To see what our normal driving is like, It went well, I did miss a overtaking opportunity. But I am at the right standard to do the rest of the training. As both mine and the other trainee's driving was up to scratch we could do one blue light run each, before the end of the day.
Both were within Shrewsbury itself, I did make a couple of small mistakes. Nothing serious. After input on the drives we finished for the day. Next was the longer drives and the final assessment drives.
So the next morning, after vehicle checks, there was two short runs again, then it was on to the long runs. Mine was from the edge of Shrewsbury to far side of Telford via Crudgington. About a 25 mile run, cover most types of roads. God it's tough to do with a running commentary. It's amazing how many driver panic when they have a Vehicle with blue lights on behind them.
After parking in a layby for a debrief on the run and a smoke, umm I know bad for my health and yes I was hidden from view. It was time for my fellow trainee Garth's turn, It was of similar length ending on the A49 near Whitchurch. It was not a bad drive at all, and to be honest I was a bit jealous of how good his driving was.
After pulling into the midway truck stop for Garth's debrief and swap over, it was my turn for a run. This one was the assessment run, that I passed or failed on. So no pressure. I was told to active warning systems on the A41 between Tilstock and Wrexham road traffic islands. I refused as there was a active emergency vehicle running on Blue light coming up behind me. After the Police car had passed, I was told to head for Ellesmere and to start my run after the traffic island.
This made me a little bit happy, I would be doing my assessment run on a road I traveled many times with work. Twice a day in term time. The instructor know my thinking on commentary, It stop if it interferes with safety. I think he was quite happy with that. So It was blue lights on, siren on and off we go.
Bloody hell, I am driving what is affectively a 2.5 ton -ish van, above the speed limit, I did not have time to enjoy doing 70mph on a road I normally travel on doing 50mph. My mind was filled with speed, position, dangers, corners, road conditions, and lots of other things that I need to think about to keep us, safe and on the black stuff.
As the run carried on we were getting closer to my stomping grounds. Then I was directed to head for Os-west-tree. Oh Heck, I am going to Blue light Though my home town. The Instructor does not know Oswestry at all, and on finding out I live there told me to just drive around it. So I did. Passed the end of my Parents road. I know my dad would hear the siren and would be saying “I wonder were thats going”.
Into town, up to the weird light set up by Morrisons supermarket, up Oswald road and passed Sainsbury. Out toward work, shame it was closed, would of loved to turn up there with light a go go. And at works driveway, my run finished.
All that was needed now was for Garth to do a run back into Shrewsbury, which he did perfectly. Finish some paperwork off. Job done.
It was not until I got into my landy to come home that I though, one day I may have to do that with someone like Kim in the back to get them to the Isolation ward.
Sobering though.
You may think this Posting is a bit boring, but it has a real message. Blue Light driver are trained to drive as quickly and safety as possible But we need your Help as a Driver to do this. There is a great video that show you how you can help at www.bluelightaware.org.uk
What the course I hear you ask, Its a ASET Level 3 in blue light driving (ambulance). Or in other words, I am going to be driving around Shropshire on Blue lights. It not as fun as you think, honestly.
After getting the paperwork & vehicle checks out the way. It was the first drive, a straight drive with no warning devices. To see what our normal driving is like, It went well, I did miss a overtaking opportunity. But I am at the right standard to do the rest of the training. As both mine and the other trainee's driving was up to scratch we could do one blue light run each, before the end of the day.
Both were within Shrewsbury itself, I did make a couple of small mistakes. Nothing serious. After input on the drives we finished for the day. Next was the longer drives and the final assessment drives.
So the next morning, after vehicle checks, there was two short runs again, then it was on to the long runs. Mine was from the edge of Shrewsbury to far side of Telford via Crudgington. About a 25 mile run, cover most types of roads. God it's tough to do with a running commentary. It's amazing how many driver panic when they have a Vehicle with blue lights on behind them.
After parking in a layby for a debrief on the run and a smoke, umm I know bad for my health and yes I was hidden from view. It was time for my fellow trainee Garth's turn, It was of similar length ending on the A49 near Whitchurch. It was not a bad drive at all, and to be honest I was a bit jealous of how good his driving was.
After pulling into the midway truck stop for Garth's debrief and swap over, it was my turn for a run. This one was the assessment run, that I passed or failed on. So no pressure. I was told to active warning systems on the A41 between Tilstock and Wrexham road traffic islands. I refused as there was a active emergency vehicle running on Blue light coming up behind me. After the Police car had passed, I was told to head for Ellesmere and to start my run after the traffic island.
This made me a little bit happy, I would be doing my assessment run on a road I traveled many times with work. Twice a day in term time. The instructor know my thinking on commentary, It stop if it interferes with safety. I think he was quite happy with that. So It was blue lights on, siren on and off we go.
Bloody hell, I am driving what is affectively a 2.5 ton -ish van, above the speed limit, I did not have time to enjoy doing 70mph on a road I normally travel on doing 50mph. My mind was filled with speed, position, dangers, corners, road conditions, and lots of other things that I need to think about to keep us, safe and on the black stuff.
As the run carried on we were getting closer to my stomping grounds. Then I was directed to head for Os-west-tree. Oh Heck, I am going to Blue light Though my home town. The Instructor does not know Oswestry at all, and on finding out I live there told me to just drive around it. So I did. Passed the end of my Parents road. I know my dad would hear the siren and would be saying “I wonder were thats going”.
Into town, up to the weird light set up by Morrisons supermarket, up Oswald road and passed Sainsbury. Out toward work, shame it was closed, would of loved to turn up there with light a go go. And at works driveway, my run finished.
All that was needed now was for Garth to do a run back into Shrewsbury, which he did perfectly. Finish some paperwork off. Job done.
It was not until I got into my landy to come home that I though, one day I may have to do that with someone like Kim in the back to get them to the Isolation ward.
Sobering though.
You may think this Posting is a bit boring, but it has a real message. Blue Light driver are trained to drive as quickly and safety as possible But we need your Help as a Driver to do this. There is a great video that show you how you can help at www.bluelightaware.org.uk
Home is where the calm heart is
Shell is having problems coping with the stress of what has happened. This is coming out in the form of panic attacks.
These don't really affect her when she is in the familiar controlled environment of home, or Pats, her mums house that is within sight of our home. But when she is out of the house, she starts getting a bit wound up. Ending up with her having palpitations, sweating, dizziness and light headedness.
At this point she gets into the fight or flight response. Shell is quite feisty at times making her flight almost like a fight at times. Getting really agitated and angry when heading away from home. Starting to settle down when heading back to her comfort zone.
This make her going shopping a nightmare. So I do it, usually at 9pm on Tuesday night after my first aid group's training night, or after work for the Freezer shop. Even though I do the shopping shell make a list for me to follow, but I do make a few changes to cheaper items.
I know It sounds like there is a bit of agoraphobia mix in there too.
She tries to hides from her grief and feeling of lost by keeping the house running. And doing all the things a mother does at home. When she stops doing that, the computer become her comfort blanket. Just like it was the life line between her and Kim when she was in hospital.
It is understandable that Shell is finding it hard to cope, a mother bond to her children is strong. As I said in my last posting she is 'A woman that has had her heart ripped out and jumped up and down on by Gods big size 15 hobnail boots.'
She needs love, support, understanding and a hand in the right direction. For me to be her rock, For me to need her, to show her that even if she not doing stuff out side the house, that she is still useful and needed. For us to support each other, in our own individual ways.
To be a loving couple battling though what life has thrown at us, together.
These don't really affect her when she is in the familiar controlled environment of home, or Pats, her mums house that is within sight of our home. But when she is out of the house, she starts getting a bit wound up. Ending up with her having palpitations, sweating, dizziness and light headedness.
At this point she gets into the fight or flight response. Shell is quite feisty at times making her flight almost like a fight at times. Getting really agitated and angry when heading away from home. Starting to settle down when heading back to her comfort zone.
This make her going shopping a nightmare. So I do it, usually at 9pm on Tuesday night after my first aid group's training night, or after work for the Freezer shop. Even though I do the shopping shell make a list for me to follow, but I do make a few changes to cheaper items.
I know It sounds like there is a bit of agoraphobia mix in there too.
She tries to hides from her grief and feeling of lost by keeping the house running. And doing all the things a mother does at home. When she stops doing that, the computer become her comfort blanket. Just like it was the life line between her and Kim when she was in hospital.
It is understandable that Shell is finding it hard to cope, a mother bond to her children is strong. As I said in my last posting she is 'A woman that has had her heart ripped out and jumped up and down on by Gods big size 15 hobnail boots.'
She needs love, support, understanding and a hand in the right direction. For me to be her rock, For me to need her, to show her that even if she not doing stuff out side the house, that she is still useful and needed. For us to support each other, in our own individual ways.
To be a loving couple battling though what life has thrown at us, together.
beard or spiritual plaster?
I have done something that shell does not like, grown a beard.
Now I don't really know why I have grown it, may be due to not having Kim lip reading any more, maybe something to hide behind or just as a Spiritual plaster.
All I know is I feel a bit more comfortable with it on. I don't think its really to hide behind, as you stand out with a beard. But then again it hard to see if the mouth is a bit smiley or a bit sad with a beard.
Many blokes say they feel more confident or like a new man, when they have a beard. As for me it is part of the defence I use to stay upright and working. It is a bit weird, some want to hide. But I want to go Its not me, I'm different, I am in distress. I am Supporting a Family in distress.
I would be an idiot not to recognise the family is in distress. I am trying to hold it together, work and do my volunteering. How the hell are you meant to get your head straight, working 12 hour days. Have a step daughter that wont talk, but will go to her mates and come back drunk as her way of coping. A step lad that was already messed up in the emotion department before Kim got ill. Having a Daughter with Globe development delay, newly diagnosed ADHD that does not have the language skill to express her feelings.
Then there is the Big one, My wife, Shell.
A Mother that has lost her First born.A woman that has had her heart ripped out and jumped up and down on by Gods big size 15 hobnail boots.
You would be forgiven for thinking I am going to tell you about how my wife and her world imploded, But I think the least she deserve a future posting I am trying to write. That show her problems for what they are and not as she said “ I am worried the blog will make me look like a completely mad bitch”
Now I don't really know why I have grown it, may be due to not having Kim lip reading any more, maybe something to hide behind or just as a Spiritual plaster.
All I know is I feel a bit more comfortable with it on. I don't think its really to hide behind, as you stand out with a beard. But then again it hard to see if the mouth is a bit smiley or a bit sad with a beard.
Many blokes say they feel more confident or like a new man, when they have a beard. As for me it is part of the defence I use to stay upright and working. It is a bit weird, some want to hide. But I want to go Its not me, I'm different, I am in distress. I am Supporting a Family in distress.
I would be an idiot not to recognise the family is in distress. I am trying to hold it together, work and do my volunteering. How the hell are you meant to get your head straight, working 12 hour days. Have a step daughter that wont talk, but will go to her mates and come back drunk as her way of coping. A step lad that was already messed up in the emotion department before Kim got ill. Having a Daughter with Globe development delay, newly diagnosed ADHD that does not have the language skill to express her feelings.
Then there is the Big one, My wife, Shell.
A Mother that has lost her First born.A woman that has had her heart ripped out and jumped up and down on by Gods big size 15 hobnail boots.
You would be forgiven for thinking I am going to tell you about how my wife and her world imploded, But I think the least she deserve a future posting I am trying to write. That show her problems for what they are and not as she said “ I am worried the blog will make me look like a completely mad bitch”
standing in a car park
I am standing in a car park waiting for students, as I wait I look at the wonderful view of the welsh countryside this car park offers me. I am not really enjoying it as Today is the 24th of April, Two months since Kim passed away.
I feel down, I feel like I need to cry but can't. I am stuck in a limbo of sadness. So much reminds me of her, everywhere I look I see thing that my mind link to her. From her favour cup to sheep, before you think I lost it, she loved watching Wallace and Gromit's close shave.
I am working hard to keep the family running. I am tired, life is tiring at the moment. Pushing myself to stay functional, keep going. Not just shut down as I want to do.
As the students walk across the car park I think
'Two months ago today. I stood next to my step daughter, looking so peaceful after the fight she had. And shed a tear.'
I feel down, I feel like I need to cry but can't. I am stuck in a limbo of sadness. So much reminds me of her, everywhere I look I see thing that my mind link to her. From her favour cup to sheep, before you think I lost it, she loved watching Wallace and Gromit's close shave.
I am working hard to keep the family running. I am tired, life is tiring at the moment. Pushing myself to stay functional, keep going. Not just shut down as I want to do.
As the students walk across the car park I think
'Two months ago today. I stood next to my step daughter, looking so peaceful after the fight she had. And shed a tear.'
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