Shell is having problems coping with the stress of what has happened. This is coming out in the form of panic attacks.
These don't really affect her when she is in the familiar controlled environment of home, or Pats, her mums house that is within sight of our home. But when she is out of the house, she starts getting a bit wound up. Ending up with her having palpitations, sweating, dizziness and light headedness.
At this point she gets into the fight or flight response. Shell is quite feisty at times making her flight almost like a fight at times. Getting really agitated and angry when heading away from home. Starting to settle down when heading back to her comfort zone.
This make her going shopping a nightmare. So I do it, usually at 9pm on Tuesday night after my first aid group's training night, or after work for the Freezer shop. Even though I do the shopping shell make a list for me to follow, but I do make a few changes to cheaper items.
I know It sounds like there is a bit of agoraphobia mix in there too.
She tries to hides from her grief and feeling of lost by keeping the house running. And doing all the things a mother does at home. When she stops doing that, the computer become her comfort blanket. Just like it was the life line between her and Kim when she was in hospital.
It is understandable that Shell is finding it hard to cope, a mother bond to her children is strong. As I said in my last posting she is 'A woman that has had her heart ripped out and jumped up and down on by Gods big size 15 hobnail boots.'
She needs love, support, understanding and a hand in the right direction. For me to be her rock, For me to need her, to show her that even if she not doing stuff out side the house, that she is still useful and needed. For us to support each other, in our own individual ways.
To be a loving couple battling though what life has thrown at us, together.
beard or spiritual plaster?
I have done something that shell does not like, grown a beard.
Now I don't really know why I have grown it, may be due to not having Kim lip reading any more, maybe something to hide behind or just as a Spiritual plaster.
All I know is I feel a bit more comfortable with it on. I don't think its really to hide behind, as you stand out with a beard. But then again it hard to see if the mouth is a bit smiley or a bit sad with a beard.
Many blokes say they feel more confident or like a new man, when they have a beard. As for me it is part of the defence I use to stay upright and working. It is a bit weird, some want to hide. But I want to go Its not me, I'm different, I am in distress. I am Supporting a Family in distress.
I would be an idiot not to recognise the family is in distress. I am trying to hold it together, work and do my volunteering. How the hell are you meant to get your head straight, working 12 hour days. Have a step daughter that wont talk, but will go to her mates and come back drunk as her way of coping. A step lad that was already messed up in the emotion department before Kim got ill. Having a Daughter with Globe development delay, newly diagnosed ADHD that does not have the language skill to express her feelings.
Then there is the Big one, My wife, Shell.
A Mother that has lost her First born.A woman that has had her heart ripped out and jumped up and down on by Gods big size 15 hobnail boots.
You would be forgiven for thinking I am going to tell you about how my wife and her world imploded, But I think the least she deserve a future posting I am trying to write. That show her problems for what they are and not as she said “ I am worried the blog will make me look like a completely mad bitch”
Now I don't really know why I have grown it, may be due to not having Kim lip reading any more, maybe something to hide behind or just as a Spiritual plaster.
All I know is I feel a bit more comfortable with it on. I don't think its really to hide behind, as you stand out with a beard. But then again it hard to see if the mouth is a bit smiley or a bit sad with a beard.
Many blokes say they feel more confident or like a new man, when they have a beard. As for me it is part of the defence I use to stay upright and working. It is a bit weird, some want to hide. But I want to go Its not me, I'm different, I am in distress. I am Supporting a Family in distress.
I would be an idiot not to recognise the family is in distress. I am trying to hold it together, work and do my volunteering. How the hell are you meant to get your head straight, working 12 hour days. Have a step daughter that wont talk, but will go to her mates and come back drunk as her way of coping. A step lad that was already messed up in the emotion department before Kim got ill. Having a Daughter with Globe development delay, newly diagnosed ADHD that does not have the language skill to express her feelings.
Then there is the Big one, My wife, Shell.
A Mother that has lost her First born.A woman that has had her heart ripped out and jumped up and down on by Gods big size 15 hobnail boots.
You would be forgiven for thinking I am going to tell you about how my wife and her world imploded, But I think the least she deserve a future posting I am trying to write. That show her problems for what they are and not as she said “ I am worried the blog will make me look like a completely mad bitch”
standing in a car park
I am standing in a car park waiting for students, as I wait I look at the wonderful view of the welsh countryside this car park offers me. I am not really enjoying it as Today is the 24th of April, Two months since Kim passed away.
I feel down, I feel like I need to cry but can't. I am stuck in a limbo of sadness. So much reminds me of her, everywhere I look I see thing that my mind link to her. From her favour cup to sheep, before you think I lost it, she loved watching Wallace and Gromit's close shave.
I am working hard to keep the family running. I am tired, life is tiring at the moment. Pushing myself to stay functional, keep going. Not just shut down as I want to do.
As the students walk across the car park I think
'Two months ago today. I stood next to my step daughter, looking so peaceful after the fight she had. And shed a tear.'
I feel down, I feel like I need to cry but can't. I am stuck in a limbo of sadness. So much reminds me of her, everywhere I look I see thing that my mind link to her. From her favour cup to sheep, before you think I lost it, she loved watching Wallace and Gromit's close shave.
I am working hard to keep the family running. I am tired, life is tiring at the moment. Pushing myself to stay functional, keep going. Not just shut down as I want to do.
As the students walk across the car park I think
'Two months ago today. I stood next to my step daughter, looking so peaceful after the fight she had. And shed a tear.'
The blender of emotion.
I am doing my usual thing of late, looking at the shadows on the ceiling. I am having really trouble getting my head around everything.
I feel like I'm in a blender of emotions, thoughts and feeling. I don't know if I want to cry or punch a wall, and I am not a violent man. Feeling burnt out in a world in grayscale. I can't work out what I feel or think at the moment. Being buffered by all sorts of thoughts and feeling.
The If only's, if only, she was in the 20% of survival. If only, she did not have the chest infection. If only, the bone marrow when into her. If only, she never had AML at all.
WHY. Why Kim, Why AML, why now, why did she die. Why US.
Hate. Hate of AML, Hate of anything that give me painful memories.
Yearning to have Kim back.
Unfairness that Kim has gone.
Apathy.
Pain, pain of lost, the scar across my heart and soul.
With all this going though my head, I think I am going mad.
I feel like I'm in a blender of emotions, thoughts and feeling. I don't know if I want to cry or punch a wall, and I am not a violent man. Feeling burnt out in a world in grayscale. I can't work out what I feel or think at the moment. Being buffered by all sorts of thoughts and feeling.
The If only's, if only, she was in the 20% of survival. If only, she did not have the chest infection. If only, the bone marrow when into her. If only, she never had AML at all.
WHY. Why Kim, Why AML, why now, why did she die. Why US.
Hate. Hate of AML, Hate of anything that give me painful memories.
Yearning to have Kim back.
Unfairness that Kim has gone.
Apathy.
Pain, pain of lost, the scar across my heart and soul.
With all this going though my head, I think I am going mad.
Total confusion
Its the 19 of April, a Sunday. I don't know what happened earlier today. I just lost use of my mind, it just froze up like a old 486. I stood there, everything just did not make sense. Total confusion, some people will joke that its normal for me. I do wonder if all that gone on has affected me more than I realize, umm, No, I must just be a bit tied.
Well I did get an Easter treat, new Red Dwarf. It is one of my Sci Fi loves, & back to earth was, well a good watch. Even if it was based on a old episode 'back to reality'.
A colleague of mine from my VAS, had done first aid cover at one of the Basil Brush shows. Steph saw his Facebook status about it the other day over my shoulder, 4 hours later we were able to stop her going “Boom Boom Class, Boom Boom Basil” Oh the fun of having a child with ADHD.
As I sit here, I don't really think. Have I burnt out. Will I start to think again. I look up to see Steph at the back window. She goes from right to left as she does getting lower in stages, like she is walking down stairs. Then returns to the right coming back to the level she was before like she was on a escalator, then presses the window like there is an invisible button then disappearing straight down. I know where I seen this before.
She pop back up, laughs moves like Basil Brush doing ha ha Boom Boom. In my head I can hear Basil doing it. I smile, even with all the problems I am going though after the loss of Kim. Steph my little monkey does little gems like that, that lift my slightly, giving me a glimpse into the normal life I had before and hope I will have again.
Well I did get an Easter treat, new Red Dwarf. It is one of my Sci Fi loves, & back to earth was, well a good watch. Even if it was based on a old episode 'back to reality'.
A colleague of mine from my VAS, had done first aid cover at one of the Basil Brush shows. Steph saw his Facebook status about it the other day over my shoulder, 4 hours later we were able to stop her going “Boom Boom Class, Boom Boom Basil” Oh the fun of having a child with ADHD.
As I sit here, I don't really think. Have I burnt out. Will I start to think again. I look up to see Steph at the back window. She goes from right to left as she does getting lower in stages, like she is walking down stairs. Then returns to the right coming back to the level she was before like she was on a escalator, then presses the window like there is an invisible button then disappearing straight down. I know where I seen this before.
She pop back up, laughs moves like Basil Brush doing ha ha Boom Boom. In my head I can hear Basil doing it. I smile, even with all the problems I am going though after the loss of Kim. Steph my little monkey does little gems like that, that lift my slightly, giving me a glimpse into the normal life I had before and hope I will have again.
Ha ha ha BOOM BOOM
Its April half term, I am walking across Frankwell car park back to my mum and Stephanie. As I walk I think about whats happened. Steph going on tables to control her condition. It early days, but hopefully it will work. Its been a month and a bit since Kim passed. Shell had not got around to arranging counselling yet, oh well she will do it soon.
I meet up with Mum and Steph and head into Theatre Severn, Its the first time we have been here. A fun colourful set with a podium sitting centre stage laid out before us and happy Basil Brush type music plays, as the happy fun filled kids wait for the start of Basil Brush's High Skool Mania.
I don't feel as fun filled as the rest of the auditorium, I don't feel like fun at all. The show start with a flurry of music and Basil appearing at the top of the podium, as the cast appears on set the plot of the story is laid out, littered with bad puns. The anarchic of Basil at his best cut though my low mood and confusing over Mr Carl wearing a old British school uniform of blazer and cap, against the duo Double Trouble and Bonnie wearing American High School cheerleader type clothes.
By the time Basil and Mr Carl where trying to work out acronyms to impress the school inspector, and they came out as POO, WEE, BUM, I was Laughing away with Steph and the rest of the audience. It seem to be that I have left life at the door and escaped in the mad cap world of Basil Brush. The intermission come and Ice Cream and laugher follow.
The second part of the show was as mad and fun as the first. The school inspector, played by amazing balloon artist Bob Wooding, ended up having to look after the class (us the audience) performing his act in the process. It was a reference to generation of kids TV including Thunderbirds, pink panther, ET and my favour being a sci fi fan a dalek.
The show carried on with bob taking a custard pie to face, with a great comic look after. Even though a the small group of hecklers that basil and the cast did some great ad libs with, shouted “eat it, don't waste it” Steph goes mad at the last bit, songs, dance and the Sing a long. She loves them, The sing a long is based on the song 'oh billy'.
The show ends but the fun time, sillyness and energy of a good old family fun show carried on out of the theatre with us, Kids shouting the catchphase “HA HA HA BOOM BOOM”, “yes sirrrrrrrr” and “seriarse” Basil used instead of serious among many more. Steph and I were no exception. As we laugh and joked all the way back to the landy and onward to home.
We had not had his much fun in ages, It was a welcome break from the life we had lived over the last 5 months. Mum had thought of us going and bought the tickets, it goes to show mums do know best, even if Mr Carl looked like Boris Johnson love child.
I meet up with Mum and Steph and head into Theatre Severn, Its the first time we have been here. A fun colourful set with a podium sitting centre stage laid out before us and happy Basil Brush type music plays, as the happy fun filled kids wait for the start of Basil Brush's High Skool Mania.
I don't feel as fun filled as the rest of the auditorium, I don't feel like fun at all. The show start with a flurry of music and Basil appearing at the top of the podium, as the cast appears on set the plot of the story is laid out, littered with bad puns. The anarchic of Basil at his best cut though my low mood and confusing over Mr Carl wearing a old British school uniform of blazer and cap, against the duo Double Trouble and Bonnie wearing American High School cheerleader type clothes.
By the time Basil and Mr Carl where trying to work out acronyms to impress the school inspector, and they came out as POO, WEE, BUM, I was Laughing away with Steph and the rest of the audience. It seem to be that I have left life at the door and escaped in the mad cap world of Basil Brush. The intermission come and Ice Cream and laugher follow.
The second part of the show was as mad and fun as the first. The school inspector, played by amazing balloon artist Bob Wooding, ended up having to look after the class (us the audience) performing his act in the process. It was a reference to generation of kids TV including Thunderbirds, pink panther, ET and my favour being a sci fi fan a dalek.
The show carried on with bob taking a custard pie to face, with a great comic look after. Even though a the small group of hecklers that basil and the cast did some great ad libs with, shouted “eat it, don't waste it” Steph goes mad at the last bit, songs, dance and the Sing a long. She loves them, The sing a long is based on the song 'oh billy'.
The show ends but the fun time, sillyness and energy of a good old family fun show carried on out of the theatre with us, Kids shouting the catchphase “HA HA HA BOOM BOOM”, “yes sirrrrrrrr” and “seriarse” Basil used instead of serious among many more. Steph and I were no exception. As we laugh and joked all the way back to the landy and onward to home.
We had not had his much fun in ages, It was a welcome break from the life we had lived over the last 5 months. Mum had thought of us going and bought the tickets, it goes to show mums do know best, even if Mr Carl looked like Boris Johnson love child.
counselling anyone?
Its been a Month since Kim's passing. Mandy is hugging the bin as she lays in bed. Her behaviour is worrying me. She has been going out, getting drunk more often and in large amounts. Everyone is having trouble, including me.
I would explain the problems everyone is having, but it gets complicated and Shell has banned me from blogging about her emotion mountain, warning that she would bestow a divorce on me if I did.
As Mandy groans into the bin, I sit on our bed with Shell watching TV. I have been mulling over the Idea of family counselling. I have had counselling before, for some horrible jobs I have had in my volunteering with a large first aid charity. Finding this has helped, I had been pondered about how the rest of the family would react to the idea, of talking about they deepest emotions with a stranger . They have enough trouble talking about them in the family.
I turn to Shell “ you know this is not normal for Mandy, she is struggling. Everyone is, we need help” Shell says nothing so I carry on “ we need counselling, all of us. You know what I am like after it, It helps.” Shell agrees that something needs doing, so I tell her where the phone number is to a service the GP surgery gave me.
Shell turns in for the night leaving me to watch TV and ponder over whether to grow a beard or not.
I would explain the problems everyone is having, but it gets complicated and Shell has banned me from blogging about her emotion mountain, warning that she would bestow a divorce on me if I did.
As Mandy groans into the bin, I sit on our bed with Shell watching TV. I have been mulling over the Idea of family counselling. I have had counselling before, for some horrible jobs I have had in my volunteering with a large first aid charity. Finding this has helped, I had been pondered about how the rest of the family would react to the idea, of talking about they deepest emotions with a stranger . They have enough trouble talking about them in the family.
I turn to Shell “ you know this is not normal for Mandy, she is struggling. Everyone is, we need help” Shell says nothing so I carry on “ we need counselling, all of us. You know what I am like after it, It helps.” Shell agrees that something needs doing, so I tell her where the phone number is to a service the GP surgery gave me.
Shell turns in for the night leaving me to watch TV and ponder over whether to grow a beard or not.
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