I am doing my usual thing of late, looking at the shadows on the ceiling. I am having really trouble getting my head around everything.
I feel like I'm in a blender of emotions, thoughts and feeling. I don't know if I want to cry or punch a wall, and I am not a violent man. Feeling burnt out in a world in grayscale. I can't work out what I feel or think at the moment. Being buffered by all sorts of thoughts and feeling.
The If only's, if only, she was in the 20% of survival. If only, she did not have the chest infection. If only, the bone marrow when into her. If only, she never had AML at all.
WHY. Why Kim, Why AML, why now, why did she die. Why US.
Hate. Hate of AML, Hate of anything that give me painful memories.
Yearning to have Kim back.
Unfairness that Kim has gone.
Apathy.
Pain, pain of lost, the scar across my heart and soul.
With all this going though my head, I think I am going mad.
Total confusion
Its the 19 of April, a Sunday. I don't know what happened earlier today. I just lost use of my mind, it just froze up like a old 486. I stood there, everything just did not make sense. Total confusion, some people will joke that its normal for me. I do wonder if all that gone on has affected me more than I realize, umm, No, I must just be a bit tied.
Well I did get an Easter treat, new Red Dwarf. It is one of my Sci Fi loves, & back to earth was, well a good watch. Even if it was based on a old episode 'back to reality'.
A colleague of mine from my VAS, had done first aid cover at one of the Basil Brush shows. Steph saw his Facebook status about it the other day over my shoulder, 4 hours later we were able to stop her going “Boom Boom Class, Boom Boom Basil” Oh the fun of having a child with ADHD.
As I sit here, I don't really think. Have I burnt out. Will I start to think again. I look up to see Steph at the back window. She goes from right to left as she does getting lower in stages, like she is walking down stairs. Then returns to the right coming back to the level she was before like she was on a escalator, then presses the window like there is an invisible button then disappearing straight down. I know where I seen this before.
She pop back up, laughs moves like Basil Brush doing ha ha Boom Boom. In my head I can hear Basil doing it. I smile, even with all the problems I am going though after the loss of Kim. Steph my little monkey does little gems like that, that lift my slightly, giving me a glimpse into the normal life I had before and hope I will have again.
Well I did get an Easter treat, new Red Dwarf. It is one of my Sci Fi loves, & back to earth was, well a good watch. Even if it was based on a old episode 'back to reality'.
A colleague of mine from my VAS, had done first aid cover at one of the Basil Brush shows. Steph saw his Facebook status about it the other day over my shoulder, 4 hours later we were able to stop her going “Boom Boom Class, Boom Boom Basil” Oh the fun of having a child with ADHD.
As I sit here, I don't really think. Have I burnt out. Will I start to think again. I look up to see Steph at the back window. She goes from right to left as she does getting lower in stages, like she is walking down stairs. Then returns to the right coming back to the level she was before like she was on a escalator, then presses the window like there is an invisible button then disappearing straight down. I know where I seen this before.
She pop back up, laughs moves like Basil Brush doing ha ha Boom Boom. In my head I can hear Basil doing it. I smile, even with all the problems I am going though after the loss of Kim. Steph my little monkey does little gems like that, that lift my slightly, giving me a glimpse into the normal life I had before and hope I will have again.
Ha ha ha BOOM BOOM
Its April half term, I am walking across Frankwell car park back to my mum and Stephanie. As I walk I think about whats happened. Steph going on tables to control her condition. It early days, but hopefully it will work. Its been a month and a bit since Kim passed. Shell had not got around to arranging counselling yet, oh well she will do it soon.
I meet up with Mum and Steph and head into Theatre Severn, Its the first time we have been here. A fun colourful set with a podium sitting centre stage laid out before us and happy Basil Brush type music plays, as the happy fun filled kids wait for the start of Basil Brush's High Skool Mania.
I don't feel as fun filled as the rest of the auditorium, I don't feel like fun at all. The show start with a flurry of music and Basil appearing at the top of the podium, as the cast appears on set the plot of the story is laid out, littered with bad puns. The anarchic of Basil at his best cut though my low mood and confusing over Mr Carl wearing a old British school uniform of blazer and cap, against the duo Double Trouble and Bonnie wearing American High School cheerleader type clothes.
By the time Basil and Mr Carl where trying to work out acronyms to impress the school inspector, and they came out as POO, WEE, BUM, I was Laughing away with Steph and the rest of the audience. It seem to be that I have left life at the door and escaped in the mad cap world of Basil Brush. The intermission come and Ice Cream and laugher follow.
The second part of the show was as mad and fun as the first. The school inspector, played by amazing balloon artist Bob Wooding, ended up having to look after the class (us the audience) performing his act in the process. It was a reference to generation of kids TV including Thunderbirds, pink panther, ET and my favour being a sci fi fan a dalek.
The show carried on with bob taking a custard pie to face, with a great comic look after. Even though a the small group of hecklers that basil and the cast did some great ad libs with, shouted “eat it, don't waste it” Steph goes mad at the last bit, songs, dance and the Sing a long. She loves them, The sing a long is based on the song 'oh billy'.
The show ends but the fun time, sillyness and energy of a good old family fun show carried on out of the theatre with us, Kids shouting the catchphase “HA HA HA BOOM BOOM”, “yes sirrrrrrrr” and “seriarse” Basil used instead of serious among many more. Steph and I were no exception. As we laugh and joked all the way back to the landy and onward to home.
We had not had his much fun in ages, It was a welcome break from the life we had lived over the last 5 months. Mum had thought of us going and bought the tickets, it goes to show mums do know best, even if Mr Carl looked like Boris Johnson love child.
I meet up with Mum and Steph and head into Theatre Severn, Its the first time we have been here. A fun colourful set with a podium sitting centre stage laid out before us and happy Basil Brush type music plays, as the happy fun filled kids wait for the start of Basil Brush's High Skool Mania.
I don't feel as fun filled as the rest of the auditorium, I don't feel like fun at all. The show start with a flurry of music and Basil appearing at the top of the podium, as the cast appears on set the plot of the story is laid out, littered with bad puns. The anarchic of Basil at his best cut though my low mood and confusing over Mr Carl wearing a old British school uniform of blazer and cap, against the duo Double Trouble and Bonnie wearing American High School cheerleader type clothes.
By the time Basil and Mr Carl where trying to work out acronyms to impress the school inspector, and they came out as POO, WEE, BUM, I was Laughing away with Steph and the rest of the audience. It seem to be that I have left life at the door and escaped in the mad cap world of Basil Brush. The intermission come and Ice Cream and laugher follow.
The second part of the show was as mad and fun as the first. The school inspector, played by amazing balloon artist Bob Wooding, ended up having to look after the class (us the audience) performing his act in the process. It was a reference to generation of kids TV including Thunderbirds, pink panther, ET and my favour being a sci fi fan a dalek.
The show carried on with bob taking a custard pie to face, with a great comic look after. Even though a the small group of hecklers that basil and the cast did some great ad libs with, shouted “eat it, don't waste it” Steph goes mad at the last bit, songs, dance and the Sing a long. She loves them, The sing a long is based on the song 'oh billy'.
The show ends but the fun time, sillyness and energy of a good old family fun show carried on out of the theatre with us, Kids shouting the catchphase “HA HA HA BOOM BOOM”, “yes sirrrrrrrr” and “seriarse” Basil used instead of serious among many more. Steph and I were no exception. As we laugh and joked all the way back to the landy and onward to home.
We had not had his much fun in ages, It was a welcome break from the life we had lived over the last 5 months. Mum had thought of us going and bought the tickets, it goes to show mums do know best, even if Mr Carl looked like Boris Johnson love child.
counselling anyone?
Its been a Month since Kim's passing. Mandy is hugging the bin as she lays in bed. Her behaviour is worrying me. She has been going out, getting drunk more often and in large amounts. Everyone is having trouble, including me.
I would explain the problems everyone is having, but it gets complicated and Shell has banned me from blogging about her emotion mountain, warning that she would bestow a divorce on me if I did.
As Mandy groans into the bin, I sit on our bed with Shell watching TV. I have been mulling over the Idea of family counselling. I have had counselling before, for some horrible jobs I have had in my volunteering with a large first aid charity. Finding this has helped, I had been pondered about how the rest of the family would react to the idea, of talking about they deepest emotions with a stranger . They have enough trouble talking about them in the family.
I turn to Shell “ you know this is not normal for Mandy, she is struggling. Everyone is, we need help” Shell says nothing so I carry on “ we need counselling, all of us. You know what I am like after it, It helps.” Shell agrees that something needs doing, so I tell her where the phone number is to a service the GP surgery gave me.
Shell turns in for the night leaving me to watch TV and ponder over whether to grow a beard or not.
I would explain the problems everyone is having, but it gets complicated and Shell has banned me from blogging about her emotion mountain, warning that she would bestow a divorce on me if I did.
As Mandy groans into the bin, I sit on our bed with Shell watching TV. I have been mulling over the Idea of family counselling. I have had counselling before, for some horrible jobs I have had in my volunteering with a large first aid charity. Finding this has helped, I had been pondered about how the rest of the family would react to the idea, of talking about they deepest emotions with a stranger . They have enough trouble talking about them in the family.
I turn to Shell “ you know this is not normal for Mandy, she is struggling. Everyone is, we need help” Shell says nothing so I carry on “ we need counselling, all of us. You know what I am like after it, It helps.” Shell agrees that something needs doing, so I tell her where the phone number is to a service the GP surgery gave me.
Shell turns in for the night leaving me to watch TV and ponder over whether to grow a beard or not.
avoiding me are you.
Its half way though the day and A member of staff is still avoiding me like the plague. I know why they are, They don't know what to say or how I will react. Do they think that when they say “how are you“ I would take my work boot off and say “yes, I can talk to her on this” then hold my boot to my ear and hold the lace out like an antenna.
With that thought, I decided to help him over it, by going over and chatting. But with out talking about Kim, asking how he is or offering how I was. And see how long it would be for he ran or asked about kim / me. A bit cruel of me, but my mind was in dark humour mode.
I had decided to hide his identity.
I started with a favourite of the UK,
Me “ Afternoon, The bloody morning fog makes it fun driving first thing in the morning”
Member of Staff “ Umm, yes. I think it would”
Me “ Yup, total nightmare. Anyway any thing interesting been going on lately”
MoS “ Now much really”
MoS laughs “ A intergalactic call, now that going to cost a bit.”
MoS “ Im fine ta” He pauses, takes a deep breath “and how are you”
Me “ Me, well I'm ok. It been a bit rough of late. But I am trying to look on the bright side, that Kim in no longer, in pain. Some times it works some times it does not. ”
MoS “That good then”
Me “ Yes, anyway must get going, I should be working.”
To the Member of staff. I'm sorry about that, But it did shatter the ice.
With that thought, I decided to help him over it, by going over and chatting. But with out talking about Kim, asking how he is or offering how I was. And see how long it would be for he ran or asked about kim / me. A bit cruel of me, but my mind was in dark humour mode.
I had decided to hide his identity.
I started with a favourite of the UK,
Me “ Afternoon, The bloody morning fog makes it fun driving first thing in the morning”
Member of Staff “ Umm, yes. I think it would”
Me “ Yup, total nightmare. Anyway any thing interesting been going on lately”
MoS “ Now much really”
I can see the sweat of worry forming
Me “ that's about right for around here. What about UFO spotted in Bridgnorth, Do you think ET come back to pay his phone bill. ”MoS laughs “ A intergalactic call, now that going to cost a bit.”
he moves nervously, I have the mental image of him thinking of the boot phone. At this point I decide to take pity on him.
Me “ Oh sorry, I forgot to ask how you are” MoS “ Im fine ta” He pauses, takes a deep breath “and how are you”
Me “ Me, well I'm ok. It been a bit rough of late. But I am trying to look on the bright side, that Kim in no longer, in pain. Some times it works some times it does not. ”
MoS “That good then”
Me “ Yes, anyway must get going, I should be working.”
To the Member of staff. I'm sorry about that, But it did shatter the ice.
Another thing to get my head around
A letter fell on the mat today when I was home for lunch, One of great importance. Do you remember the letter we missed to open the day after Kim death, this new one was linked to that.
The Letter was from CAMHS, Shropshire's Child and Adolescents Mental Health Service. Saying that due to us not contacting then over the letter dated the 22 February 2009, Stephanie has been taken off the register. This started a hurried forage for the original letter.
I better fill you in on Stephanie. She is a handful, with what her Special Education Need paperwork calls Global Development Delay with a long list of what problems she has, that would fill at least 4 blog postings by themselves.
Shell found the letter, looked at it and handed to me. It started with the usual waffle, about the clinic visits and test etc, It then told us what the results were. I looked at the finding for a moment or two, thinking Why does everything come at once.
The Paragraphs that got me when along the lines of 'She has many problems, only one of which can be dealt with by CAMHS, This being A.D.H.D'
'To continue on to treatment of this condition please contact us for an appointment, If you don't contact us will with take it you wish not to continue using the CAMH Service and immediately removed from care'
Quickly I find the cordless phone and ring the CAMHS office, and start explaining why we have not been in contact. “ The letter arrived the day after her half sister death and unfortunately got mix up in the medley of this event.” The soft gentle tone of the female staff member replies “ I with let the Doctor know, As these are exceptional circumstances I can see little problem with you being put back into our service” I thank her for her understanding and She offered her condolences.
I sit there smoking a roll up for a few. Thinking about it all, trying to get my already mixed up head around this new situation. Before heading back to work
The Letter was from CAMHS, Shropshire's Child and Adolescents Mental Health Service. Saying that due to us not contacting then over the letter dated the 22 February 2009, Stephanie has been taken off the register. This started a hurried forage for the original letter.
I better fill you in on Stephanie. She is a handful, with what her Special Education Need paperwork calls Global Development Delay with a long list of what problems she has, that would fill at least 4 blog postings by themselves.
Shell found the letter, looked at it and handed to me. It started with the usual waffle, about the clinic visits and test etc, It then told us what the results were. I looked at the finding for a moment or two, thinking Why does everything come at once.
The Paragraphs that got me when along the lines of 'She has many problems, only one of which can be dealt with by CAMHS, This being A.D.H.D'
'To continue on to treatment of this condition please contact us for an appointment, If you don't contact us will with take it you wish not to continue using the CAMH Service and immediately removed from care'
Quickly I find the cordless phone and ring the CAMHS office, and start explaining why we have not been in contact. “ The letter arrived the day after her half sister death and unfortunately got mix up in the medley of this event.” The soft gentle tone of the female staff member replies “ I with let the Doctor know, As these are exceptional circumstances I can see little problem with you being put back into our service” I thank her for her understanding and She offered her condolences.
I sit there smoking a roll up for a few. Thinking about it all, trying to get my already mixed up head around this new situation. Before heading back to work
Back to work
Its time to go back to work, my head is not really in it. I am still numb over the last few weeks. Picking up students is the easy part of the job today, they usually don't talk in the mornings. Opting to sit there trying to wake up properly before reaching college.
I go for a smoke before head inside, and I bump into what must be the only person in the college that did not know about Kim. “Awright mate, how was the holiday” without thinking I reply “yes, been ok, best thing is not working on my birthday” I don't know why I said it, I think it was because it was the easy way.
I aim to keep my head down, go and check my mail slot in the staffroom. Before talking to anyone, to strengthen myself. Half way down the corridor a member of staff I get on well with comes the other way smiles “Hello, I heard about Kim, I'm sorry for your loss” I thank her, and chat a bit. Before heading off again towards the staffroom.
Going to the staff room at this time, when PA's and department administrators pick up their mail was a bit of a mistake. Standing in a prime location to bump into a large group of lovely caring compassionate people. It was nice to talk with them, but it was over powering at times.
As I walked out the door I realized, my next two week with be filled with the sayings 'sorry for your lost' , 'condolences on ...' and ' it so sad about your stepdaughter' Unlike the last time this sort of thing happened, when Kim was first in hospital, I was not angry at the over powering flow of caring. I took it as comfort or just switched off.
I go for a smoke before head inside, and I bump into what must be the only person in the college that did not know about Kim. “Awright mate, how was the holiday” without thinking I reply “yes, been ok, best thing is not working on my birthday” I don't know why I said it, I think it was because it was the easy way.
I aim to keep my head down, go and check my mail slot in the staffroom. Before talking to anyone, to strengthen myself. Half way down the corridor a member of staff I get on well with comes the other way smiles “Hello, I heard about Kim, I'm sorry for your loss” I thank her, and chat a bit. Before heading off again towards the staffroom.
Going to the staff room at this time, when PA's and department administrators pick up their mail was a bit of a mistake. Standing in a prime location to bump into a large group of lovely caring compassionate people. It was nice to talk with them, but it was over powering at times.
As I walked out the door I realized, my next two week with be filled with the sayings 'sorry for your lost' , 'condolences on ...' and ' it so sad about your stepdaughter' Unlike the last time this sort of thing happened, when Kim was first in hospital, I was not angry at the over powering flow of caring. I took it as comfort or just switched off.
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