Time to write about myself and how things have changed for me. And It's hard to do a true full self assessment.
So how have thing changed for me since That dreadful fireworks night.
Well the experience has I have no doubt changed me, my out look on life and death, Has almost driven me to finish volunteering. Has left me with a scar on my heart that known by everyone that has lost a loved one in a traumatic way.
How have I come to peace with my lost of Kim. Like everyone else I have had to find my own path, littered with the problems and stress of everyday life.
This path was make up of support of others and support I had to find myself. Family and friend are a great support.
My Mum and Dad are very caring people and cared dearly for Kim, even when they where feeling the pain of her lost, they found the strength to support us, from talking to the usual support they give us with Steph and her ADHD.
My friends, I only have a couple of true deep friends, that knows some thing is up for over 40 paces . From giving me a chest to cry on. talking deeply though to talking complete comical drivel, that gave light relief. Watching out for my welfare, asking me if I am ok, to telling me I am not right, even if I thought I was, including the line “even you know you've beeping got eat, you stupid idiot”
Then there is the self support on the path, these come in the form of one you look for and ones you come across, or even grow from one into the other.
Jotting the mess floating about my head into notebooks, just happened. When I started writing WHY WHY WHY WHY on some paperwork at work, then I got hold of a notebook, and started writing all sorts of disjointed bits in it.
This disjointed mess of conciousness in a notebook, then over time grew into a idea of a blog, then into a blog, this blog. With supportive comments from friends both on twitter and my everyday life.
There was the accident, but wonderful coming across BBC Radio Shropshire. A really mix of thing from entertainment to community hub and everything in between. I have even been on radio Shropshire talking about Kim. They even introduced me to the world of Twitter.
Twitter, Until half way though writing this posting I did not think of it as part of my support, but it gave me a place to laugh and joke, a place where I found good caring people, that at time given me supportive words and I given supportive words back. And a place where I talked over the starting of a blog.
The Blog, I needed some where for me to sort out what happened, and to express the memories and thoughts. Some say I write powerful posts, I say I write what I need to write, to free it. If they full of strong and powerful feeling, then that what is burning in my soul at the time I am writing it.
Counselling by the wonderful Hope House. A safe Place for me to open up, to show my scared heart and pained soul to someone that was shocked by it. And with understanding and guidance help me with them.
Ok I know the next one should of gone in with Radio Shropshire, but it has a special place for me, that is the Trunk of Funk with Colin Young. Its two hours of me, the rest of the fans and Colin interacting, and enjoying the music on what Col quite rightly calls “ The virtual dance floor”. We all just kick back, banter, joke, and enjoy leaving the stresses of everyday life at the door and just enjoying a damn good party. Its just good to get lost in it, just for a couple of hours.
So am I now completely fine, I don't think I will be. Do I think I am at the end of the journey of getting over it, Just like Shell I am getting there,but there is a few bit still to sort out.
And as shell like to keep reminding me, I still have a beard. I don't know why I still have it, That some thing I still need to work out, and That's the final hurdle.
So Dear Reader, I come to the end of the posting or should that be essay? update on me. All 885 words of it. And also the end of my blogging on here all 36,131 words of it . This is not to say I have stop blogging altogether, I have started a personal blog called The weird mind of Dave.
With that I will bid you a good bye, and a thank you for being part of my life, and my blogging as with out you, this would just be a stream of conciousness lost in the internet.
So until I see you again, Stay Safe and Stay Happy.
Update One
As I said in my last posting I am leaving the blog at April 2010. I thought it was rude to just cut off, with out giving you an update on What happened with who.
Stuart.
Is now 16, Student at a local college doing a grounds maintenance course. Bit of a angry lad, he never did have counselling.
Mandy
Is now 18, After spending a lot of time talking with friends, about what happened decided she had already had come to some sort of peace with the loss of her sister. And has not long had news of a happy surprise, that she is going to be a mum in mid 2012. Her and her boyfriend are happy about it.
Shell
now this is a hard one and I know she read this blog.
The hard part for her was realizing she was in denial over how deeply loosing her first child had affected her. She over came what I believe was separation anxiety disorder from home, that held a strong emotional link to Kim.
Shell still shows some small needs. Like in hospital situations she will not go alone or be left alone for short periods of time with more that a door in the way. Which is understandable, considering what happened in a hospital.
She will say that the last paragraph is untrue, and I will probably get a call or text to that affect, when she reads this.
Shell will never truly get over the loss of Kim. No parent can, all you can hope for is a happy peace with it. And she is making very good progress to getting there.
Stephanie
She was the first to have (the kids version of) counselling, provide by the wonderful hope house. She is with the exception of Mandy the most well adjusted, ADHD aside. She shows love for Kim, enjoys the happy memories of her. Due to her problems does not link certain days to Kim, but does pick up on what we as a family give out on, a anniversary day for Kim.
As for her problem, she is now stable on tablets and in Severndale specialist school. That give her the learning and emotional development support she needs.
She is very close to her nan, my mum. And is very caring, so much so that when my mum had a bad fall at home when I went down to do home care, Steph would come with me to help. She is a bright girl and quickly picked up what I was doing, and under my mum supervision helped her in doing tasks.
Now that just leave me. I think that essay can wait for another day.
Stuart.
Is now 16, Student at a local college doing a grounds maintenance course. Bit of a angry lad, he never did have counselling.
Mandy
Is now 18, After spending a lot of time talking with friends, about what happened decided she had already had come to some sort of peace with the loss of her sister. And has not long had news of a happy surprise, that she is going to be a mum in mid 2012. Her and her boyfriend are happy about it.
Shell
now this is a hard one and I know she read this blog.
The hard part for her was realizing she was in denial over how deeply loosing her first child had affected her. She over came what I believe was separation anxiety disorder from home, that held a strong emotional link to Kim.
Shell still shows some small needs. Like in hospital situations she will not go alone or be left alone for short periods of time with more that a door in the way. Which is understandable, considering what happened in a hospital.
She will say that the last paragraph is untrue, and I will probably get a call or text to that affect, when she reads this.
Shell will never truly get over the loss of Kim. No parent can, all you can hope for is a happy peace with it. And she is making very good progress to getting there.
Stephanie
She was the first to have (the kids version of) counselling, provide by the wonderful hope house. She is with the exception of Mandy the most well adjusted, ADHD aside. She shows love for Kim, enjoys the happy memories of her. Due to her problems does not link certain days to Kim, but does pick up on what we as a family give out on, a anniversary day for Kim.
As for her problem, she is now stable on tablets and in Severndale specialist school. That give her the learning and emotional development support she needs.
She is very close to her nan, my mum. And is very caring, so much so that when my mum had a bad fall at home when I went down to do home care, Steph would come with me to help. She is a bright girl and quickly picked up what I was doing, and under my mum supervision helped her in doing tasks.
Now that just leave me. I think that essay can wait for another day.
behind the scenes
Well Dear Reader. I have a choice to make, Do I carry on and bore you with writing about writing posts or do I wrap this blog up.
So Bye, last one out turn off the lights.
Don't worry, I am not just going to run off. I am going to do a post or two about the here and now. The thoughts and feeling I have on writing this blog and the thing that helped.
Lets go behind the scenes of the blog. I am typing this I am sitting at my messy work bench / desk , in front of me is my Amateur radio pc that I have always used to blog to my right is my everyday pc, that I do blog research on, and set up the auto tweets and FB status updates.
Hopefully you can see a photo of my desk above.
Every Thursday I have sat here, Listening to the Trunk of funk on BBC Radio Shropshire as I sorted my notes and thoughts into something near understandable English. Some say I fail, some say I moved them.
The one thing I know is the places I have written notes or thought up the base of a posting. Some are funny, Like 1am at Manchester airport, or on a simulator on holiday. Even writing a Christmas posting in the café of the worlds museum Liverpool on a hot sunny day.
That the fun of writing a memoir blog. You can scribble in a notebook or talk into a Dictaphone about any time within the blog at any time of year.
Next week Posting will be an update from April 2010 to December 2011, But who will it be about. Well that for next week.
Till then Dear Reader, stay safe.
So Bye, last one out turn off the lights.
Don't worry, I am not just going to run off. I am going to do a post or two about the here and now. The thoughts and feeling I have on writing this blog and the thing that helped.
Lets go behind the scenes of the blog. I am typing this I am sitting at my messy work bench / desk , in front of me is my Amateur radio pc that I have always used to blog to my right is my everyday pc, that I do blog research on, and set up the auto tweets and FB status updates.
Hopefully you can see a photo of my desk above.
Every Thursday I have sat here, Listening to the Trunk of funk on BBC Radio Shropshire as I sorted my notes and thoughts into something near understandable English. Some say I fail, some say I moved them.
The one thing I know is the places I have written notes or thought up the base of a posting. Some are funny, Like 1am at Manchester airport, or on a simulator on holiday. Even writing a Christmas posting in the café of the worlds museum Liverpool on a hot sunny day.
That the fun of writing a memoir blog. You can scribble in a notebook or talk into a Dictaphone about any time within the blog at any time of year.
Next week Posting will be an update from April 2010 to December 2011, But who will it be about. Well that for next week.
Till then Dear Reader, stay safe.
To Blog or Not to Blog?
I have started writing in a notepad, as a way of remember or off load random stuff that appears in my head. I am still going to do this even though I am doing counselling sessions.
But what do I do with this mix of conciousness? When I'm done, burn it? Keep it in a dark cupboard for the rest of my life collecting dust? I think what I am going though deserve more than destroying or forgetting, but what am I going to do with it.
I have been typing on to the pc as well, throwing strongly imprinted days at the digital world that is a Open Office document. Its just a mess, I don't know what to do these ranting of a dyslexic, full of holes, spelling and grammar mistakes.
Anyway, I start chatting to Dawn a fellow Radio Shropshire listener on twitter. About what I should do with it, and if I should blog it.
Wondering if anyone would read my drivel, There was a big rush to buy the rights to publish the story in the women's gossip mags. But that would have been written properly with miss quoting and edited for suspense and emotions.
During the chat, Dawn made a comment along the lines of “Write the blog for you, no one else. If people read it, then that a bonus” or words to that effect. She should know about blogging, she had just been nominated for a blog award.
So as I carried on deliberating to blog or not to blog. I started to sort out the mess of words that laid on my computer. I was not expecting it to be easy. Far from it, I was expecting it to be a bloody nightmare. Spell checker and a online dictionary came to my aid. As I bashed away at the keys to write what was to become the first proper post, that I would name A bad night.
During the second block of writing, which was to become 3 posting of first full day, I wandered to Blogspot.com, a blogging site and joined up. All I needed now was a name and something to put on the blog.
I carried on writing the rest of the 3 postings, I start to cry. The story of Kim, her illness and our experience was coming to life. The pain and emotion of that day, the morning after comes flooding back. Stabbing at the scar on my heart.
Shortly after finishing the 3 part morning after, I gave the blog a name and wrote a welcome post, within the next few hours 4 posts would join it.
But what do I do with this mix of conciousness? When I'm done, burn it? Keep it in a dark cupboard for the rest of my life collecting dust? I think what I am going though deserve more than destroying or forgetting, but what am I going to do with it.
I have been typing on to the pc as well, throwing strongly imprinted days at the digital world that is a Open Office document. Its just a mess, I don't know what to do these ranting of a dyslexic, full of holes, spelling and grammar mistakes.
Anyway, I start chatting to Dawn a fellow Radio Shropshire listener on twitter. About what I should do with it, and if I should blog it.
Wondering if anyone would read my drivel, There was a big rush to buy the rights to publish the story in the women's gossip mags. But that would have been written properly with miss quoting and edited for suspense and emotions.
During the chat, Dawn made a comment along the lines of “Write the blog for you, no one else. If people read it, then that a bonus” or words to that effect. She should know about blogging, she had just been nominated for a blog award.
So as I carried on deliberating to blog or not to blog. I started to sort out the mess of words that laid on my computer. I was not expecting it to be easy. Far from it, I was expecting it to be a bloody nightmare. Spell checker and a online dictionary came to my aid. As I bashed away at the keys to write what was to become the first proper post, that I would name A bad night.
During the second block of writing, which was to become 3 posting of first full day, I wandered to Blogspot.com, a blogging site and joined up. All I needed now was a name and something to put on the blog.
I carried on writing the rest of the 3 postings, I start to cry. The story of Kim, her illness and our experience was coming to life. The pain and emotion of that day, the morning after comes flooding back. Stabbing at the scar on my heart.
Shortly after finishing the 3 part morning after, I gave the blog a name and wrote a welcome post, within the next few hours 4 posts would join it.
Thus starting my time as a blogger. The telling my story.The story of Kim and of living life in the shadow of leukemia.
Counselling Together.
Its been a week since my first counselling session. And I am heading back to Hope House, but this time I am not alone. Shell is with me.
She does not want to see a counsellor by herself. So we are going for couples counselling. I don't know if it to do with the safety blanket of having me there or the unknown entity of counselling.
Shell is nervously playing with her phone as we sign into the building. We are met by Suzanne, we get settled in the room. Suzanne start off gently, maybe as she could sense Shells apprehension.
I sit back from the conversation, as Shell talks about Kim and the family. It was nothing heavy, as she is not one for sharing emotions freely. Then it came around to Kim's illness.
Shell was not opening up, I don't know why. She talked about how much she missed her, how she had been the talking to her a lot on the phone, but did not talk about why she had a problem with going to see her.
I am sitting there thinking that the main nut to crack for Shell to get the most out of it, is for Shell to under stand the protective barrier of not having to look at the physical signs of the leukemia and the treatment in Kim. This would lead to exploring the problem of her not going out.
I can understand why in the time just after Kim's death, that Shell would not fancy going out. I had a fair deal of it at work, People reminding you. Now it not really their fault, they want to show you they care. But after a while the lines, ' I'm sorry for your loss' and 'my condolences' become sticks poking at the scar left on the heart.
The session comes to an end for today. It seemed that Shell was a bit happier about counselling. Doing it alone, was still beyond her at the moment. That's ok, I can live with that she taken the first steps. This is the largest distances, she been from the house since losing Kim. And she is getting help from a counsellor.
So It's been a big day for her, I am glad that she was able to come this far. Let hope the forward movement carry on.
She does not want to see a counsellor by herself. So we are going for couples counselling. I don't know if it to do with the safety blanket of having me there or the unknown entity of counselling.
Shell is nervously playing with her phone as we sign into the building. We are met by Suzanne, we get settled in the room. Suzanne start off gently, maybe as she could sense Shells apprehension.
I sit back from the conversation, as Shell talks about Kim and the family. It was nothing heavy, as she is not one for sharing emotions freely. Then it came around to Kim's illness.
Shell was not opening up, I don't know why. She talked about how much she missed her, how she had been the talking to her a lot on the phone, but did not talk about why she had a problem with going to see her.
I am sitting there thinking that the main nut to crack for Shell to get the most out of it, is for Shell to under stand the protective barrier of not having to look at the physical signs of the leukemia and the treatment in Kim. This would lead to exploring the problem of her not going out.
I can understand why in the time just after Kim's death, that Shell would not fancy going out. I had a fair deal of it at work, People reminding you. Now it not really their fault, they want to show you they care. But after a while the lines, ' I'm sorry for your loss' and 'my condolences' become sticks poking at the scar left on the heart.
The session comes to an end for today. It seemed that Shell was a bit happier about counselling. Doing it alone, was still beyond her at the moment. That's ok, I can live with that she taken the first steps. This is the largest distances, she been from the house since losing Kim. And she is getting help from a counsellor.
So It's been a big day for her, I am glad that she was able to come this far. Let hope the forward movement carry on.
First counselling Session
With the last post I talked about how BBC Radio Shropshire help me. So it seem logical to skip to the end of March, and talk about the start of counselling. The other foundation to my emotion recovery. Plus, my birthday was not much to talk about.
A bit of background about the organisation given us counselling. Hope House. A hospice that deal with children, over 320 and they families at anyone time. It also gives Post bereavement support to over 100 families, Some of these they have not had dealing with before the death of they child.
This is my first visit to hope house but it not my first time having counselling, but this is different. I am used to post traumatic type to stop post traumatic stress starting, not bereavement type. So I was a bit tense when I arrived.
I was introduced to the lovely Suzanne, who was going to be my counsellor. And headed of to one of the family rooms.
We just generally chatted about the family, Kim's illness. To get a basic background to my life, and also putting me at my ease. It did put me at ease with talking to her, putting in place the foundation of counselling. The feeling of being safe.
Now some of you may be thinking why being safe? In this situation you will be opening up and bearing your soul and the emotions that you would not allow others to see. You must feel secure, snug and protected to become unguarded, to let your protective barriers down to exposed your vulnerable, pained inner self.
Some of you will be reading that and thinking what a load of psychological bull faecal matter. Oh well, each to their own thoughts on it.
I have a lot of protective barriers, It come with the hobby of doing first aid. One of them is disjointing emotions, becoming emotionless. A bit like Star Trek's Spock, some times it is very handy. But it does come with a down side or two, big emotional reactions to the silliest thing or not being able to reconnect to them.
Suzanne has seen this before, and has experience in helping getting them back together with the person. in times of large emotion stress my mind runs off to Spock logic, so it was going to become a big part of my sessions, assisted by the greatest emotion link out side the family. Music*, the more I got exposed to music the more my happier emotions came to a point were I could access them, dragging the other emotions with them to a point that with the help of Suzanne meet up with them and share them, in the safe secure environment of the sessions.
The other was dark humour. I have to watch how I use this as many see it as being sick or uncaring, or even worse both. Suzanne was not phased by it, in fact she some times used it as a spring board to get though other protective barriers I had, to get to areas that were not otherwise forthcoming.
As you walk away from a session, you are trying to get the barriers back in place before you hit the real, everyday world. Sometimes I would return home, with some gaps in them. And sit saying very little, trying to get over what happened in the session and get the emotion and barriers in check.
I am sure people knew when I had a hard session. I was not the smiling chatty person I use as a mask to hid the scarred and damaged person inside.
* The music was usually on Radio Shropshire. As I am writing this, I am listing to music to help me write. Trunk of funk then Jim on Iplayer.
A bit of background about the organisation given us counselling. Hope House. A hospice that deal with children, over 320 and they families at anyone time. It also gives Post bereavement support to over 100 families, Some of these they have not had dealing with before the death of they child.
This is my first visit to hope house but it not my first time having counselling, but this is different. I am used to post traumatic type to stop post traumatic stress starting, not bereavement type. So I was a bit tense when I arrived.
I was introduced to the lovely Suzanne, who was going to be my counsellor. And headed of to one of the family rooms.
We just generally chatted about the family, Kim's illness. To get a basic background to my life, and also putting me at my ease. It did put me at ease with talking to her, putting in place the foundation of counselling. The feeling of being safe.
Now some of you may be thinking why being safe? In this situation you will be opening up and bearing your soul and the emotions that you would not allow others to see. You must feel secure, snug and protected to become unguarded, to let your protective barriers down to exposed your vulnerable, pained inner self.
Some of you will be reading that and thinking what a load of psychological bull faecal matter. Oh well, each to their own thoughts on it.
I have a lot of protective barriers, It come with the hobby of doing first aid. One of them is disjointing emotions, becoming emotionless. A bit like Star Trek's Spock, some times it is very handy. But it does come with a down side or two, big emotional reactions to the silliest thing or not being able to reconnect to them.
Suzanne has seen this before, and has experience in helping getting them back together with the person. in times of large emotion stress my mind runs off to Spock logic, so it was going to become a big part of my sessions, assisted by the greatest emotion link out side the family. Music*, the more I got exposed to music the more my happier emotions came to a point were I could access them, dragging the other emotions with them to a point that with the help of Suzanne meet up with them and share them, in the safe secure environment of the sessions.
The other was dark humour. I have to watch how I use this as many see it as being sick or uncaring, or even worse both. Suzanne was not phased by it, in fact she some times used it as a spring board to get though other protective barriers I had, to get to areas that were not otherwise forthcoming.
As you walk away from a session, you are trying to get the barriers back in place before you hit the real, everyday world. Sometimes I would return home, with some gaps in them. And sit saying very little, trying to get over what happened in the session and get the emotion and barriers in check.
I am sure people knew when I had a hard session. I was not the smiling chatty person I use as a mask to hid the scarred and damaged person inside.
Dear Reader
Hope house is a charity and only carry on it's wonderful work thanks to donations. If this posting touched your heart. maybe the next time you see one of they boxes, you may want to drop a pound in it or not, the choice is yours.
* The music was usually on Radio Shropshire. As I am writing this, I am listing to music to help me write. Trunk of funk then Jim on Iplayer.
Radio
I have mentioned BBC Radio Shropshire before. So I thought it was time to talk about what it has done for me since I found it.
A lot of my Job is lone working, that means I spend a lot of time on my own. And when you got thing on your mind that is not a good thing. Grief over Kim and worry about how Shell is taking her loss, does nothing for a good mood at all.
There are two parts to how Radio Shropshire helped. One was the day time show, when I was alone. The other was two what called specialist show.
The day time shows, showed me the county of Shropshire in a new light.
Clare Ashford has now moved to join Eric Smith on the breakfast show. Both are far too quick witted for that time in the morning.
Jim Hawkins does a mainly talk based show with some great music sprinkled though it. Showing the human side of Shropshire, Giving a new angle on local stories and people. With the core idea of helping people out along the way.
Colin Young's afternoon show. It has a fun personal feel, with some fun interaction bits. like prat nav, you have to guess the place in Shropshire with cryptic sat nav style directions. And hitting the headline, where you have to give a song to match the headline. Some times I try to get Col to read out the most weirdest answers to both of these, usually ending up with a comical comment from him.
Then there is Adam Green and Vicki Archer, with the drive time show. With more interaction with schools out, a guessing game where Vicki's pre school explain an object, it's harder than it sounds. Then there is place of the week, a place in Shropshire that they visit and learn about, taking us along for the ride.
I have friends on twitter from all over Shropshire thanks to these day time shows, I am taking with one of then that blogs, and mulling over starting one myself.
Then there is the specialist shows, shared between 3 local stations. Both are music shows.
The Trunk of Funk, Colin Young uses his massive knowledge of music from the 70's and 80's. Disco, funk, northern soul. It has a lively community on twitter and facebook, and Col interaction on air and online during the show. This really adds a feeling of togetherness, like we are on one big dance floor. Even if we are spread across the world.
Jim Hawkins Show is a bit different. He call it “taking music for a walk” I call it Magical mystery wander. I don't know most of the music he play, but its good and its fun. I like to spread this show across 3day, one hour a day. As a nice little pick me up.
As you can see two really uplifting specialist shows and the friendly day show, really help to lift my mood, and help me think happier thoughts.
So As you can see, BBC Radio Shropshire has helped keep me sane during the dark time, and keeps me the right side of the black dog, by being good it job. Being the voice of Shropshire.
A lot of my Job is lone working, that means I spend a lot of time on my own. And when you got thing on your mind that is not a good thing. Grief over Kim and worry about how Shell is taking her loss, does nothing for a good mood at all.
There are two parts to how Radio Shropshire helped. One was the day time show, when I was alone. The other was two what called specialist show.
The day time shows, showed me the county of Shropshire in a new light.
Clare Ashford has now moved to join Eric Smith on the breakfast show. Both are far too quick witted for that time in the morning.
Jim Hawkins does a mainly talk based show with some great music sprinkled though it. Showing the human side of Shropshire, Giving a new angle on local stories and people. With the core idea of helping people out along the way.
Colin Young's afternoon show. It has a fun personal feel, with some fun interaction bits. like prat nav, you have to guess the place in Shropshire with cryptic sat nav style directions. And hitting the headline, where you have to give a song to match the headline. Some times I try to get Col to read out the most weirdest answers to both of these, usually ending up with a comical comment from him.
Then there is Adam Green and Vicki Archer, with the drive time show. With more interaction with schools out, a guessing game where Vicki's pre school explain an object, it's harder than it sounds. Then there is place of the week, a place in Shropshire that they visit and learn about, taking us along for the ride.
I have friends on twitter from all over Shropshire thanks to these day time shows, I am taking with one of then that blogs, and mulling over starting one myself.
Then there is the specialist shows, shared between 3 local stations. Both are music shows.
The Trunk of Funk, Colin Young uses his massive knowledge of music from the 70's and 80's. Disco, funk, northern soul. It has a lively community on twitter and facebook, and Col interaction on air and online during the show. This really adds a feeling of togetherness, like we are on one big dance floor. Even if we are spread across the world.
Jim Hawkins Show is a bit different. He call it “taking music for a walk” I call it Magical mystery wander. I don't know most of the music he play, but its good and its fun. I like to spread this show across 3day, one hour a day. As a nice little pick me up.
As you can see two really uplifting specialist shows and the friendly day show, really help to lift my mood, and help me think happier thoughts.
So As you can see, BBC Radio Shropshire has helped keep me sane during the dark time, and keeps me the right side of the black dog, by being good it job. Being the voice of Shropshire.
Writers note, wondering if I decided to do the blog? You are reading it LOL.
Restaurant trip
Christmas is over. But the weather wants us to think Christmas is still here. Not much happened in January 2010, So here an out line of it. Its snowed, stop for a little bit then started again.
Right now I got January out the way. Its the 11th of February and I was out with my volunteering over the weekend. Now the event we covered was hovercrafting for the over 60. What a great event, The hovercrafters were a great laugh. One bloke an old pilot, mastered it within a minute and was a joy to watch. Its times like this that break the gloom of getting used to life without Kim.
Its what gone on tonight that is going to be to the fore over the next couple of days.
I am in an all you can eat Chinese restaurant 20 miles from home. There are 10 of us at a table for 11, no we have not miscounted. This is why I'm going to be in the middle of the fall out of the conversion going on now over the table for the next few days.
I will start at the begin. You remember Shell has this problem with going out. Well tonight is a family meal out, with shell's mum, dad and brothers. To celebrate a couple of birthdays, including Kims.
Her mum now knows how bad Shell is, after a full argument in the front room over her not going and her pigheadedness for fighting to stay in her safe zone.
As Shell wrapped herself up in the safety blanket she call home. We headed off to the meal, as her mum decided she would not wreck for all of us. During the drive, Pat is commenting to her sons Chris and Kev about shell problem.
Now it question time over the food, Pat is building up a picture of what has been going on.
I have mixed feeling about it. In one way I'm happy but worried about her. She need to feel safe, she need to grieve. On the over hand she need to move forward, at the moment she is stuck. And I cant get though to her. I have a feeling her mum can.
I am not a psychic, if I was Kim may still be here, but I feel tough love in shell future.
Right now I got January out the way. Its the 11th of February and I was out with my volunteering over the weekend. Now the event we covered was hovercrafting for the over 60. What a great event, The hovercrafters were a great laugh. One bloke an old pilot, mastered it within a minute and was a joy to watch. Its times like this that break the gloom of getting used to life without Kim.
Its what gone on tonight that is going to be to the fore over the next couple of days.
I am in an all you can eat Chinese restaurant 20 miles from home. There are 10 of us at a table for 11, no we have not miscounted. This is why I'm going to be in the middle of the fall out of the conversion going on now over the table for the next few days.
I will start at the begin. You remember Shell has this problem with going out. Well tonight is a family meal out, with shell's mum, dad and brothers. To celebrate a couple of birthdays, including Kims.
Her mum now knows how bad Shell is, after a full argument in the front room over her not going and her pigheadedness for fighting to stay in her safe zone.
As Shell wrapped herself up in the safety blanket she call home. We headed off to the meal, as her mum decided she would not wreck for all of us. During the drive, Pat is commenting to her sons Chris and Kev about shell problem.
Now it question time over the food, Pat is building up a picture of what has been going on.
I have mixed feeling about it. In one way I'm happy but worried about her. She need to feel safe, she need to grieve. On the over hand she need to move forward, at the moment she is stuck. And I cant get though to her. I have a feeling her mum can.
I am not a psychic, if I was Kim may still be here, but I feel tough love in shell future.
The Boxing Day After
I am slumped on the sofa. Feeling the affects of overdosing on turkey. Why do we do it, Stuff ourselves to the edge of exploding. You know so stuff one wafer thin chocolate mint would make us explode all over the front room.
I think I know why, I am half way though, yes you guessed it, a turkey sandwich. And that the answer, to get rid of a much turkey as possible so they not eating for the next 3 weeks.
Its a bit like that with my thoughts today. The leftovers of yesterday, feeding my thoughts today. Thoughts of a good friend I lost many years ago, I have talked about him in a post called Ghosts*.
And the soreness of remembering him today, on the day of this death added to by the grief I feel for losing Kim, make today very painful. I just want to shutdown and do nothing.
I get up and walk across to the bookcase we have almost full of Videos and DVDs. One shelf has books on it. I stand there looking at one book, and one video. Both with strong ties to my dearly departed friend.
The video is a signed copy of Red Dwarf Smeg ups. My mate went down to a signing of the Video by Robert Llewellyn, the actor that plays Kryten. I could not go, so he told me to give him the video and he would get signed. Which he duly did, even though he was very ill and had to use a wheelchair at this point.
The video is not special because it signed by an actor I truly enjoy watching, But because of the strong emotional story of how it got signed and the care my longed departed beloved friend had to get it signed for me.
The book is nothing special, it just a book like all the other that ran off the print run of this book. The special link is, Its my copy of the book I read to him as he lay there many years ago slowly passing away. I still cant read the last chapter of it, Its too painful.
As I start to move away, a DVD catches my eye. Mamma Mia , One of Kims favour films.
3 items, that would go unnoticed by casual lookers. Sitting there as strong links to loved ones lost. To happy times, to sad times, to memories, and emotions that others would not see.
With a single tear running down my cheek, I aimlessly wander off with the Ghosts of the past watching on.
*http://leukemicstepchild.blogspot.com/2010/07/ghosts.html
I think I know why, I am half way though, yes you guessed it, a turkey sandwich. And that the answer, to get rid of a much turkey as possible so they not eating for the next 3 weeks.
Its a bit like that with my thoughts today. The leftovers of yesterday, feeding my thoughts today. Thoughts of a good friend I lost many years ago, I have talked about him in a post called Ghosts*.
And the soreness of remembering him today, on the day of this death added to by the grief I feel for losing Kim, make today very painful. I just want to shutdown and do nothing.
I get up and walk across to the bookcase we have almost full of Videos and DVDs. One shelf has books on it. I stand there looking at one book, and one video. Both with strong ties to my dearly departed friend.
The video is a signed copy of Red Dwarf Smeg ups. My mate went down to a signing of the Video by Robert Llewellyn, the actor that plays Kryten. I could not go, so he told me to give him the video and he would get signed. Which he duly did, even though he was very ill and had to use a wheelchair at this point.
The video is not special because it signed by an actor I truly enjoy watching, But because of the strong emotional story of how it got signed and the care my longed departed beloved friend had to get it signed for me.
The book is nothing special, it just a book like all the other that ran off the print run of this book. The special link is, Its my copy of the book I read to him as he lay there many years ago slowly passing away. I still cant read the last chapter of it, Its too painful.
As I start to move away, a DVD catches my eye. Mamma Mia , One of Kims favour films.
3 items, that would go unnoticed by casual lookers. Sitting there as strong links to loved ones lost. To happy times, to sad times, to memories, and emotions that others would not see.
With a single tear running down my cheek, I aimlessly wander off with the Ghosts of the past watching on.
*http://leukemicstepchild.blogspot.com/2010/07/ghosts.html
The Christmas after - Part 2
With all plates, dishes and cutlery in the dishwasher. It was time to get the flowers we bought the day before and drive down to the cemetery.
You would of thought, after Christmas dinner everyone would be asleep on the sofa, at least that what I could of done. When we arrive, even though there was a covering of snow. There was 5 cars parked up outside the gates.
As we walk down to Kim grave. we can see people, tending to they loved one graves, placing flowers, talking to the head stones. It was a wonderful sight, on this day when we celebrate the birth of a religious figure. Here we are remember loved ones lost. There seems to be a circle of life In this day and place.
As we removed the old flowers and I make a nice step arrangement, Steph is brushing the snow off the top of the gravestone. Shell is talking as if she is chatting with Kim. I can see her eyes are moist, ready to flow with tears.
This is the farthest Shell has been from home since Kim Illness. I am waiting for her to start loosing her cool and wanting to get back to the safety blanket of the house. But I get a strange feeling she too emotionally invested in this place to run way.
With the new flowers in place and the old ones in hand, we walk back to the landrover and to tea at my parents. Leaving Kim in peace in final resting place.
Christmas felt a bit sad this year. As it was missing one of it wonderful characters
The Christmas after - Part 1
I am woken by Steph Saying loudly “Daddy, Daddy, It's Christmas Day. Get up Daddy” I look at the clock, 0652 in the morning. Ok the ADHD tablets have settled her down a bit, but being woken by an excited 12 year old at this time in the morning is still not fun.
I head down stairs and into the kitchen to make myself a coffee. I have a strange feeling, the feeling of a void, a empty space. The presents are opened, Kids play or set up and half read instruction manuals. All the usual fun of a Christmas morning.
Shell disappears and returns a little bit later with stuff that wont fit in or on Pat's cooker. As we switched the location of Christmas dinner last year to aid Kim, it is Pat's turn this year.
As the food cooks on both cookers, I help set up the seating at Pat's. It's busy as everyone descends on the front room for lunch. Everyone gets a plate and sits down on one of the eleven chairs.
It was not until everyone was sitting down that it became clear, We had a one chair too many.
Sitting against the wall was a lone chair, One lone empty chair. The chair of the lost teen, The chair Kim usually sat on.
The void I felt earlier was Kim, well more to the point Not Kim. It was the space left by a missing part of the family.
Kidney appointment
Its the 22nd December 2009, I'm Sitting flicking through a 8 month old magazine waiting for my appointment with the urology consultant. 13 months and 11 days after I was told I would have an appointment in 6 weeks.
I walked in and shook his hand, sat down and started talking about my stones. It was when I told him the date I was released from hospital and this was my first follow up appointment, he looked a bit angry.
“So you had no treatment for your stones for over a year, have you had any more problems?” he asked, “Just over 13 months. And I have not had any more since” he walk around the desk, “ Well that very lucky that you have been OK, thank god. Over a year for a appointment, that is just disgraceful!!*”
He takes a seat and carries on “ So how are you getting on with your renal fusion?” “My what?!”
“your Horseshoe kidney,” paused at the blank look on my face “ they did not tell you” “um, no” I replied. He did not look impressed.
He pulled up my scan, turned the monitor around, so we could both see it. And started explaining about Horseshoe kidneys.
It is a congenital disorder, where the isthmus of both kidneys become fused together. with the two sets of renal arteries,veins and ureters being left for the most part intact. The amount of fusing can affect some of the nephron and the renal corpuscles held within, thus affecting osmosis of excreta.
In other words for the less medically minded. It happens during development in the womb, and the bottom parts of the kidneys mash together to make one kidney, with two lots of blood in/out and pee tubes. How much of them are mashed together affect how much stuff that makes up pee can be cleaned from the blood in a fix time.
If you are still confused**, I have one kidney that look likes a horseshoe.
side affects of this condition are nausea, abdominal discomfort, Stones and Infections. The only way of keeping the risk of the last two down is by not getting dehydrated.
It may be one of the reasons I don't drink alcohol any more, as drinking 2 pints make me really bad for up to 4 days afterwards , plus I cant see the point of making a complete alcohol fuel idiot of myself. The consultant agreed with my logic on both counts.
Happy that the long wait for an appointment had not adversely affected my health. He told me that I would need to do a pee sample for one 24 hour period, gave me a slip for the bottle. And bided me a cheery goodbye.
I when to exchange my slip for the bottle, the nurse returned with 2 bottles both 5 litres in size, my god do they expect me to fill both of them. My mind boggled.
* There was more to this line, but I don't think it was in keeping with the corporate line.
**do a internet search for 'horseshoe kidney'
I walked in and shook his hand, sat down and started talking about my stones. It was when I told him the date I was released from hospital and this was my first follow up appointment, he looked a bit angry.
“So you had no treatment for your stones for over a year, have you had any more problems?” he asked, “Just over 13 months. And I have not had any more since” he walk around the desk, “ Well that very lucky that you have been OK, thank god. Over a year for a appointment, that is just disgraceful!!*”
He takes a seat and carries on “ So how are you getting on with your renal fusion?” “My what?!”
“your Horseshoe kidney,” paused at the blank look on my face “ they did not tell you” “um, no” I replied. He did not look impressed.
He pulled up my scan, turned the monitor around, so we could both see it. And started explaining about Horseshoe kidneys.
It is a congenital disorder, where the isthmus of both kidneys become fused together. with the two sets of renal arteries,veins and ureters being left for the most part intact. The amount of fusing can affect some of the nephron and the renal corpuscles held within, thus affecting osmosis of excreta.
In other words for the less medically minded. It happens during development in the womb, and the bottom parts of the kidneys mash together to make one kidney, with two lots of blood in/out and pee tubes. How much of them are mashed together affect how much stuff that makes up pee can be cleaned from the blood in a fix time.
If you are still confused**, I have one kidney that look likes a horseshoe.
side affects of this condition are nausea, abdominal discomfort, Stones and Infections. The only way of keeping the risk of the last two down is by not getting dehydrated.
It may be one of the reasons I don't drink alcohol any more, as drinking 2 pints make me really bad for up to 4 days afterwards , plus I cant see the point of making a complete alcohol fuel idiot of myself. The consultant agreed with my logic on both counts.
Happy that the long wait for an appointment had not adversely affected my health. He told me that I would need to do a pee sample for one 24 hour period, gave me a slip for the bottle. And bided me a cheery goodbye.
I when to exchange my slip for the bottle, the nurse returned with 2 bottles both 5 litres in size, my god do they expect me to fill both of them. My mind boggled.
Writers note
Dear Reader, As I am writing this in 2011, Just as news has come out about THIS NHS trust failures in administration of follow up appointments. That left a man with life changing problems, that means he has lost his independence. So I am lucky really, it was just kidney stones.
* There was more to this line, but I don't think it was in keeping with the corporate line.
**do a internet search for 'horseshoe kidney'
Jackfield
Well not much of Interest has happened over the last 3 week.
moving stuff between sites for display. I think I made a few drivers do a double take with the skeleton from science sat seat belted in the front seat of the minibus. Next time, I am dressing it up in jacket and hat. I may get it waving with the aid of some fishing line.
Did a trip to Jackfield tile museum. That's a weird but interesting place to visit, Its has a Edwardian tube station and a old children's ward as exhibits. The Iron bridge gorge is a beautiful place and has some delightful places to sit, think and relax.
Sitting looking out over the river Severn flowing thought the landscape. I thought of Kim and the sights she will never see, and that she is now free of pain. I breathed in the wonderful gently view laid out in front of me. I enjoyed it for a bit then opened a letter I pick up when I left the house this morning.
It was a standard NHS Appointment letter, saying I had an appointment with a kidney specialist at The Royal Shrewsbury Hospital on the 22 December at 1430. I quickly looked at my diary, The students finish on the 18 December so I don't need to find any cover for my routes at work, Thank God!
Then I start thinking, on the 11 November 2008 I was told I would have an appointment in approximately 6 week, that would be around 16 December 2008. It is now the 10 December 2009, One day of 13 Months to get a appointment letter I should have had about 2 week after I was released from Hospital. By my working out it will be 13 Months 11 Days from the day the Junior Doctor said I would be book for it to having the appointment.
I write it into my diary, and go back to relaxing and de stressing views in front of me. Before my blood boiled over the massive failure of the hospital administration system.
Little did I know what was going to happen between now and that appointment, something that will affect me, but By law can not blog about it. It will be referred to as D incident.
moving stuff between sites for display. I think I made a few drivers do a double take with the skeleton from science sat seat belted in the front seat of the minibus. Next time, I am dressing it up in jacket and hat. I may get it waving with the aid of some fishing line.
Did a trip to Jackfield tile museum. That's a weird but interesting place to visit, Its has a Edwardian tube station and a old children's ward as exhibits. The Iron bridge gorge is a beautiful place and has some delightful places to sit, think and relax.
Sitting looking out over the river Severn flowing thought the landscape. I thought of Kim and the sights she will never see, and that she is now free of pain. I breathed in the wonderful gently view laid out in front of me. I enjoyed it for a bit then opened a letter I pick up when I left the house this morning.
It was a standard NHS Appointment letter, saying I had an appointment with a kidney specialist at The Royal Shrewsbury Hospital on the 22 December at 1430. I quickly looked at my diary, The students finish on the 18 December so I don't need to find any cover for my routes at work, Thank God!
Then I start thinking, on the 11 November 2008 I was told I would have an appointment in approximately 6 week, that would be around 16 December 2008. It is now the 10 December 2009, One day of 13 Months to get a appointment letter I should have had about 2 week after I was released from Hospital. By my working out it will be 13 Months 11 Days from the day the Junior Doctor said I would be book for it to having the appointment.
I write it into my diary, and go back to relaxing and de stressing views in front of me. Before my blood boiled over the massive failure of the hospital administration system.
Little did I know what was going to happen between now and that appointment, something that will affect me, but By law can not blog about it. It will be referred to as D incident.
Beautiful Gift
Some times, some things just takes the wind out of your sails. One of them was an reply to an email asking for copy of Kim's year Eleven photos, As the year group photo was damage by her dog a couple of week after we had it the first time.
Here is the main part of the lovely email
“ Since your enquiry we have spoken with the Marches School and they informed us of the sad news that Kimberley had recently Passed away and we extend to you and your family our condolences at this very difficult time.
Finally, under such sad circumstances, I confirm that there will be no charge for the Year 11 photograph with some extra individual prints. “
The last bit of the email really got me. Here is a company, Um, no, Lets get this right,
Here is H Tempest Photograph, Showing their understanding that Photographs are great memories and links to People that we will never see again. And the Year 11 Photographs are one of the biggest memories of all. That their care so much about this that they will take the cost of giving us, The memories of Kim in Year 11.
I almost cried when I read this email, There was crying from Shell and her mum Pat when they saw the wonderful pack that H Tempest Photograph sent us, including a CD with a digital version of the individual Photo.
Now, there is a company with a corporate heart as beautiful as the Photographs they take.
Here is the main part of the lovely email
“ Since your enquiry we have spoken with the Marches School and they informed us of the sad news that Kimberley had recently Passed away and we extend to you and your family our condolences at this very difficult time.
Finally, under such sad circumstances, I confirm that there will be no charge for the Year 11 photograph with some extra individual prints. “
The last bit of the email really got me. Here is a company, Um, no, Lets get this right,
Here is H Tempest Photograph, Showing their understanding that Photographs are great memories and links to People that we will never see again. And the Year 11 Photographs are one of the biggest memories of all. That their care so much about this that they will take the cost of giving us, The memories of Kim in Year 11.
I almost cried when I read this email, There was crying from Shell and her mum Pat when they saw the wonderful pack that H Tempest Photograph sent us, including a CD with a digital version of the individual Photo.
Now, there is a company with a corporate heart as beautiful as the Photographs they take.
A year today - fireworks
Considering the day, we are not really in the party mood. Its one year today since Doctor L arrived at our door with the news that started it all.
We were not that bothered about the usual fireworks, as they held bad memories. But as it was normal what we did, so we got some. It was a small box, it was not going to be as fun as the ones we had over previous years.
Mandy was quiet. She was sitting on bench in the garden drinking. I had not been keeping count of how much she had drunk so far. I could see the sadness on her face, The same sadness I felt in my heart, the heart with the scar of Kim's illness and passing.
It must be so hard for her, having her birthday as reminder of the horrible time we have had, and the losted member of the family.
I walked across the laminate flooring that had a strip of mud from my work boot flop on to a year ago. Under the rope I had to keep the kids back. And up to the point where I was last year.
Just as I went to light the first firework, the doorbell busts into life. A silhouette appears in the doorway lit with the same naked 100w light bulb that hangs from the ceiling. A shudder of remembrance runs though my body, as this was too much like last year.
It was one of our friends, as I waved and said hello. I thought, I wonder if Dr L is having a better November 5th this year. I leant down and lit the first firework.
As the last one banged in the sky, the smoke hanging in the damp cold air, my clothes soaked with fine mist of rain in the air. Just like that fateful evening 12 month ago. I hear Mandy weeping on her friends shoulder and saying “ I miss her so much”
I look up into the sky and mutter “so do I Mandy, so do I “
We were not that bothered about the usual fireworks, as they held bad memories. But as it was normal what we did, so we got some. It was a small box, it was not going to be as fun as the ones we had over previous years.
Mandy was quiet. She was sitting on bench in the garden drinking. I had not been keeping count of how much she had drunk so far. I could see the sadness on her face, The same sadness I felt in my heart, the heart with the scar of Kim's illness and passing.
It must be so hard for her, having her birthday as reminder of the horrible time we have had, and the losted member of the family.
I walked across the laminate flooring that had a strip of mud from my work boot flop on to a year ago. Under the rope I had to keep the kids back. And up to the point where I was last year.
Just as I went to light the first firework, the doorbell busts into life. A silhouette appears in the doorway lit with the same naked 100w light bulb that hangs from the ceiling. A shudder of remembrance runs though my body, as this was too much like last year.
It was one of our friends, as I waved and said hello. I thought, I wonder if Dr L is having a better November 5th this year. I leant down and lit the first firework.
As the last one banged in the sky, the smoke hanging in the damp cold air, my clothes soaked with fine mist of rain in the air. Just like that fateful evening 12 month ago. I hear Mandy weeping on her friends shoulder and saying “ I miss her so much”
I look up into the sky and mutter “so do I Mandy, so do I “
A year today - Almost live
Its November 5th and I am driving along, Jim is on the radio. He is asking “What does bonfire night means to you.” Most of them were happy stories. I started to enjoy them, snapshots of people happy times. When it has a shade of sadness for me.
A new subject is added to the mix, stress. This got me thinking and linking the subjects together. I pulled over and started to write a text. Now this text was lost as soon as I sent it, so this is what I roughly remember texting in to the show.
“a year ago today I was told my Stepdaugher had acute leukemia, So as you can guess I am a bit stressed today”
I carried on driving, and a few minutes later Jim read it out, there was a pause, “I bet” broke the silence on air. Its not often you hear Jim lost for words. Shortly after arriving back at site, my phone rang. It was Maggie the producer of the show, asking if I would go on air.
I decided that it was probably for the best if I did not. Replying “ Not today. Its all too raw to talk about. Anyway I don't think Jim would want a blubbering mess live on air” She fully understood, and asked if I was ok. That was a bit weird, a stranger on the phone checking I was ok. I said I was as fine I could be on a day like today, and threatened to find Jim when he next does his sit on a bench and chat to anyone that chat to him, the next time he is in my town.
This is local radio, so local that if I said yes, I would have been on it. Scary thought.
A new subject is added to the mix, stress. This got me thinking and linking the subjects together. I pulled over and started to write a text. Now this text was lost as soon as I sent it, so this is what I roughly remember texting in to the show.
“a year ago today I was told my Stepdaugher had acute leukemia, So as you can guess I am a bit stressed today”
I carried on driving, and a few minutes later Jim read it out, there was a pause, “I bet” broke the silence on air. Its not often you hear Jim lost for words. Shortly after arriving back at site, my phone rang. It was Maggie the producer of the show, asking if I would go on air.
I decided that it was probably for the best if I did not. Replying “ Not today. Its all too raw to talk about. Anyway I don't think Jim would want a blubbering mess live on air” She fully understood, and asked if I was ok. That was a bit weird, a stranger on the phone checking I was ok. I said I was as fine I could be on a day like today, and threatened to find Jim when he next does his sit on a bench and chat to anyone that chat to him, the next time he is in my town.
This is local radio, so local that if I said yes, I would have been on it. Scary thought.
3 days off.
Its the 28th October, half term week. I am in in the first two day and off for the rest of the week. A break from the madness of work, time to support the family a bit more. Oh and more importantly a lie in.
But before I can start with the 3 days off, I need to do something. Chase up my appointment. Yes, it still has not arrived 3 weeks after contacting them. I can see them telling me it going to be in the new year. Its almost 12 months now. Oh well.
Shell and a visitor look at me as I am forthright with the woman on the phone, telling them politely that I want a appointment booking right now, as two attempts at getting one, direct from ward and a call a month ago failed to secure one. She asked when my hospital stay was, there was a moment of silence on the phone when I told her. It was broken by her say right, ok, I just looking for the earliest available slot. “ I have booked you into a clinic in December, I can see the date as yet but you are on the system now, any problems please call...” She gave me her name & extension number.
So with that hopefully sorted, I turn to a another task for my 3 days off. Expand Shell bubble. This is getting her to come around town with me. With my shot gun psychology, the idea was sound, to swap/share the safety of home onto another object or person. Namely me.
I did not get too far, I did not even stop the landrover. Shell was not having it, she got lock into the fear and there was no shaking it. So I did not push it too much and we returned home. I am at a loss at why she is doing this, and she says she does not have a problem. And there lies the first problem getting her to admit she has a problem.
2 days after the phone call a letter arrives, Its from the hospital. Result, I am going on the 22 December at 2.30. It lands on the week after the students finish for Christmas, so no worries with cover to go. Shame I lost the name and extention number of the administrator that sorted it, would of like to phone her back and thank her for sorting it out, almost twelve months after someone else should of.
But before I can start with the 3 days off, I need to do something. Chase up my appointment. Yes, it still has not arrived 3 weeks after contacting them. I can see them telling me it going to be in the new year. Its almost 12 months now. Oh well.
Shell and a visitor look at me as I am forthright with the woman on the phone, telling them politely that I want a appointment booking right now, as two attempts at getting one, direct from ward and a call a month ago failed to secure one. She asked when my hospital stay was, there was a moment of silence on the phone when I told her. It was broken by her say right, ok, I just looking for the earliest available slot. “ I have booked you into a clinic in December, I can see the date as yet but you are on the system now, any problems please call...” She gave me her name & extension number.
So with that hopefully sorted, I turn to a another task for my 3 days off. Expand Shell bubble. This is getting her to come around town with me. With my shot gun psychology, the idea was sound, to swap/share the safety of home onto another object or person. Namely me.
I did not get too far, I did not even stop the landrover. Shell was not having it, she got lock into the fear and there was no shaking it. So I did not push it too much and we returned home. I am at a loss at why she is doing this, and she says she does not have a problem. And there lies the first problem getting her to admit she has a problem.
2 days after the phone call a letter arrives, Its from the hospital. Result, I am going on the 22 December at 2.30. It lands on the week after the students finish for Christmas, so no worries with cover to go. Shame I lost the name and extention number of the administrator that sorted it, would of like to phone her back and thank her for sorting it out, almost twelve months after someone else should of.
Betws Y Coed
I am taken a trip out to Betws Y Coed. I find a parking space, and hear a student say “he won't get it in there”, I did it easily. It is amazing how people that only drive small cars misjudge the space needed for vehicles that are a bit bigger. True the minibus did fill the parking space, but that's just life.
With the students and member of staff walking around the area, I decided to head off and look around. I noticed a sign for a railway museum. So I went to nose around it, as I have a interest in historical engineering. I walk though the doors for the museum and get welcomed by a model shop.
The Shop is laid out like a little kid dream, locomotives, rolling stock and scenic items for model train sets everywhere. I am not really bothered by this stuff, it not my thing. As I look around I spot some airfix kits, including a big spitfire. This one could have a small 6volt motor fitted to make the propeller turn slowly, I had a thing about spitfires. I had and to a extent still do have a thing about flight and aircraft. I had been a air cadet for 7 years, and really enjoyed it. Unfortunately this airfix spitfire had a price tag as big as it scale.
So I paid to go into the museum, a odd place with a mix of model and real artefacts of the railway age. I was looking at telegraph system bits they had on display, when I hear a child going, “ mum, how did that work? Where is the bit you talk into?” and the mother being lost for answers, I knew the answer to some of his questions. I remembered back to Kim asking similar questions when we were out and about.
This remembering was broken when I hear this lad asking “ Do you know how they work” and I realise he is asking me. I am a bit worried that I look rude or a pervert in the next couple of seconds, then I realise I am wearing college branded clothing. And to them I look like a educator / safe person. I reply with “a little bit” I look at his mother, who has a relived look on her face, Like she knew his question on this would carry on all day if he did not get an answer. I answered his questions, his mother thanked me and I carried on looking around.
I headed back to the minibus for lunch and a coffee. As I sat there eating a swished ham sandwich, I thought of a TV program I saw a couple of nights before call flash forward. Where everyone fall asleep for about 2 minutes at the same time and see their lives in 6 months time.
Then the what if, came into my head. What if this happened for real, and Kim saw herself being treated, would it have changed the date of diagnosis? What out come would that have had? What if it happened during treatment so the future was just blackness to her, as she was not alive? What would of that done to her head?
What if I sat in a minibus think about what could of happened if Sci fi show concept really did happen? Oh wait. Hang on, that's happening for real. I look down at my boots, hold back a tear, oh God how I miss her.
With the students and member of staff walking around the area, I decided to head off and look around. I noticed a sign for a railway museum. So I went to nose around it, as I have a interest in historical engineering. I walk though the doors for the museum and get welcomed by a model shop.
The Shop is laid out like a little kid dream, locomotives, rolling stock and scenic items for model train sets everywhere. I am not really bothered by this stuff, it not my thing. As I look around I spot some airfix kits, including a big spitfire. This one could have a small 6volt motor fitted to make the propeller turn slowly, I had a thing about spitfires. I had and to a extent still do have a thing about flight and aircraft. I had been a air cadet for 7 years, and really enjoyed it. Unfortunately this airfix spitfire had a price tag as big as it scale.
So I paid to go into the museum, a odd place with a mix of model and real artefacts of the railway age. I was looking at telegraph system bits they had on display, when I hear a child going, “ mum, how did that work? Where is the bit you talk into?” and the mother being lost for answers, I knew the answer to some of his questions. I remembered back to Kim asking similar questions when we were out and about.
This remembering was broken when I hear this lad asking “ Do you know how they work” and I realise he is asking me. I am a bit worried that I look rude or a pervert in the next couple of seconds, then I realise I am wearing college branded clothing. And to them I look like a educator / safe person. I reply with “a little bit” I look at his mother, who has a relived look on her face, Like she knew his question on this would carry on all day if he did not get an answer. I answered his questions, his mother thanked me and I carried on looking around.
I headed back to the minibus for lunch and a coffee. As I sat there eating a swished ham sandwich, I thought of a TV program I saw a couple of nights before call flash forward. Where everyone fall asleep for about 2 minutes at the same time and see their lives in 6 months time.
Then the what if, came into my head. What if this happened for real, and Kim saw herself being treated, would it have changed the date of diagnosis? What out come would that have had? What if it happened during treatment so the future was just blackness to her, as she was not alive? What would of that done to her head?
What if I sat in a minibus think about what could of happened if Sci fi show concept really did happen? Oh wait. Hang on, that's happening for real. I look down at my boots, hold back a tear, oh God how I miss her.
Well that broke it.
Fuel station closed for delivery, damn. It was queuing before. Its a good thing I go to try and fuel at half a tank. I now have less than I would like, but enough to do the drop off run tonight, then I can fuel after it.
As I am in Meifod, Sharron one of the drivers texts. She is having problems with her minibus. She is slowly making her way back to the college, but wants me to come over and have a look, or stay with her if she has to wait for recovery. Before I can phone her Barry rings, he tells me Sharron can only hear on her phone but cant talk, I found out where she is from him, it is only 17 miles away. As I text her to say I'm on my way, I spot a problem I have.
I do not have enough fuel to get to her and get back to site. So I have to go back to Oswestry fuel and head out. That will make the trip 21 miles, adding 4 miles to it. Oh well, that life. As I drive back to town, I can see the problem Sharron was having, She could not phone the breakdown service. As the microphone on her phone was defective.
I arrive to find her stopped at the cross roads to a very busy 60 mile an hour road. I can see, why she stop. People overtake on this road in the most dangerous places when your doing 50mph. And this bus is being driven at 30mph. Where is it is not the best of places to leave a minibus in the dark. We know there is a slow road that has a car park 4 miles down it that is one you can drive down at 30mph without the threat of death.
We agreed that we would get to the car park and work out if we could make it the rest of the way to the garage. Plus the car park is a pub car park, and no we not going to stop for a stiff drink.
The drive was painful slow, it was when the braking system decided it was going to join in on the fun about 100 yards from the navigation inn we knew the game was over, and work was going to have to pay for a recovery. After Phoning the breakdown company on my works mobile, we when into the inn, where in it lovely warm and inviting lounge type room away from the cold, Sharron tries to give the landlord a heart attack, by missing out the word empty when she said there was two minibuses outside.
By the time we had a lovely warming coffee, hatch a plan for liberation one of our Walford campus minibuses with my counter part on that site know. As we could not contact him (all his buses were in so his phone was off) to do the morning run. and some jokes about her breaking her bus. The Recovery truck arrived.
The broken Minibus was loaded on to it, I took a photo of it on the truck. And It was time to go. As I followed I looked at this minibus on the back of the truck.
And think there is a sad look to a minibus on the back of a recover truck.
Should of really chased that up
I have just realised something, Remember back to when I was in hospital in November 2008 and they said I would have a letter, for appointment in 6 weeks. It is now coming up to the end of September 2009. That's about 10 months!!
Ok, I can hear some mutters of 'I should of chased it up' and yes I should of kept an eye out for it. My health is important, I know. But my life has been a bit busy over the last 10 months. The thing is why have they not sent it out, is administration at a hospital that bad that they can't book a simple appointment.
Oh well, Not much can be done about it now. I just need to track down where I was meant to be having the appointment and book one. Logically I phoned Urology outpatients, who politely redirected me to an administrator to take my details. Job done, now to wait for the appointment to drop though the letter box.
Well my line manager, has decided I will burn myself out with the overtime I am doing. So has told me I should be doing only one 12 hour day a week. I am to start taking a 3 hour break in the middle of the day, 4 days a week. I can see his point, I have only been doing 12 hours for a month and I am starting to look like a zombie. This starts next week, so how am I marking the start date. Yup, Driving an evening trip to Theatre Clwyd.
There is also a route change, I am now going out to Llanefyl, then Meifod, back to site. Its a long but nice route. I can't pronounce half the names on the route, Much to the enjoyment of some of the students, that can't believe I lived on the welsh border all my life, but still can get the right pronunciation of welsh place names.
Ok, I can hear some mutters of 'I should of chased it up' and yes I should of kept an eye out for it. My health is important, I know. But my life has been a bit busy over the last 10 months. The thing is why have they not sent it out, is administration at a hospital that bad that they can't book a simple appointment.
Oh well, Not much can be done about it now. I just need to track down where I was meant to be having the appointment and book one. Logically I phoned Urology outpatients, who politely redirected me to an administrator to take my details. Job done, now to wait for the appointment to drop though the letter box.
Well my line manager, has decided I will burn myself out with the overtime I am doing. So has told me I should be doing only one 12 hour day a week. I am to start taking a 3 hour break in the middle of the day, 4 days a week. I can see his point, I have only been doing 12 hours for a month and I am starting to look like a zombie. This starts next week, so how am I marking the start date. Yup, Driving an evening trip to Theatre Clwyd.
There is also a route change, I am now going out to Llanefyl, then Meifod, back to site. Its a long but nice route. I can't pronounce half the names on the route, Much to the enjoyment of some of the students, that can't believe I lived on the welsh border all my life, but still can get the right pronunciation of welsh place names.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)